The My Lead First™ Method: Setting Expectations for ADHD Children

Welcome! Today, we're diving deep into a topic that's close to the hearts of many parents raising children with ADHD: setting expectations. It's a tricky dance, isn't it? How do we guide our children towards positive behavior without triggering meltdowns or damaging their self-esteem? This blog post expands on the strategies discussed in the recent episode of Ask Mom Parenting with Sue Donnellan, ADHD Moments on Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan. We'll explore the "My Lead First™" method, a proactive approach that can transform correction from a source of conflict into an opportunity for growth and understanding. Join us as we unpack the challenges and offer practical solutions for creating a more harmonious and effective parenting experience. We'll be pulling directly from the wisdom Sue shared on the episode and expanding upon it.

Understanding the ADHD Parenting Puzzle

Parenting children with ADHD presents unique challenges. It's not simply about "bad behavior" or a lack of willpower. ADHD affects the brain's executive functions – planning, organization, impulse control, and working memory. This means that children with ADHD often struggle with tasks that come naturally to others, leading to frustration, conflict, and feelings of inadequacy.

Traditional parenting techniques, which rely heavily on consequences and punishment, often backfire with ADHD children. These approaches can increase anxiety, lower self-esteem, and create a cycle of negativity. Instead, we need strategies that address the underlying neurological differences and provide support for developing essential skills.

The key is to understand that ADHD is a difference in brain function, not a deficit in character. When we shift our perspective, we can begin to approach parenting from a place of empathy and understanding, paving the way for more effective and positive interactions.

The Tightrope Walk: Connection vs. Correction

One of the biggest struggles for parents of ADHD children is knowing when to connect and when to correct. It often feels like walking a tightrope between being supportive and setting boundaries. On one hand, we want to be compassionate and understanding of our child's challenges. On the other hand, we need to teach responsibility and accountability.

The problem is that these two approaches can feel contradictory. If we're too focused on connection, we might worry that we're enabling bad behavior. If we're too focused on correction, we might damage our relationship with our child. So, how do we find the right balance?

The answer lies in understanding the state of your child's brain. Is their brain “locked down” or are they ready to learn?

Decoding Your Child's Signals: Are They Locked Down or Ready to Learn?

Before attempting to correct your child's behavior, it's crucial to assess their current state of mind. Are they in a state of dysregulation, often referred to as being "locked down," or are they receptive and open to learning?

When a child is dysregulated, their brain is in survival mode. The amygdala, the brain's emotional center, is activated, and the prefrontal cortex, responsible for reasoning and decision-making, is effectively offline. In this state, reasoning, logic, and consequences are unlikely to be effective. Attempting to correct a child in this state will likely lead to increased frustration and resistance.

So, how do you know if your child is "locked down"? Look for these signs:

• Increased heart rate
• Rapid breathing
• Clenched fists
• Tense facial muscles
• Agitation
• Defensiveness
• Difficulty making eye contact
• Shutting down or withdrawing

If you observe these signs, it's time to shift your focus from correction to connection. Validate their feelings, offer support, and help them regulate their emotions. Once they are calm and receptive, you can then address the behavior in a constructive way.

Introducing the My Lead First™ Method

The My Lead First™ method is a proactive approach to setting expectations with children who have ADHD. It's based on the idea that clear, advance expectations can prevent many behavioral issues from occurring in the first place. By taking the lead and providing clear guidance, you can create a more predictable and less stressful environment for your child.

Here's how the My Lead First™ method works:

1. Plan Ahead: Before entering a potentially challenging situation (e.g., going to a restaurant, visiting a friend's house), take the time to discuss expectations with your child.
2. Be Specific: Clearly outline what you expect from them. Use concrete language and avoid vague terms like "be good." Instead, say something like, "I expect you to use a quiet voice and stay in your seat unless you need to use the restroom."
3. Practice: Role-play the situation with your child. This will help them visualize what's expected of them and give them an opportunity to ask questions.
4. Visual Aids: For younger children, visual aids like picture cards can be helpful. These can serve as reminders of the expectations.
5. Positive Reinforcement: Focus on positive reinforcement rather than punishment. Catch your child doing something right and praise them for it. This will encourage them to repeat the desired behavior.

For example, if you're going to the grocery store, you might say, "Okay, we're going to the store now. My Lead First: We need to stay together, you need to keep your hands to yourself, and we are only buying the items on the list. If you can do that, then afterwards we can do something special like [insert activity]."

By setting clear expectations in advance, you reduce the likelihood of misbehavior and create a more positive experience for everyone involved. The My Lead First™ method isn't about controlling your child; it's about empowering them with the knowledge and tools they need to succeed.

Why Traditional Discipline Fails ADHD Children

As mentioned earlier, traditional discipline methods often fail children with ADHD because they don't address the underlying neurological differences. Punishments and consequences can be ineffective for several reasons:

• Impulsivity: ADHD children often act impulsively, without thinking about the consequences. By the time they realize they've done something wrong, it's too late.
• Difficulty with Working Memory: ADHD affects working memory, which is the ability to hold information in mind while performing a task. This means that ADHD children may struggle to remember rules and instructions, even if they were just told them.
• Emotional Dysregulation: ADHD can also lead to emotional dysregulation, making it difficult for children to manage their emotions. This can lead to meltdowns and outbursts, which are often misinterpreted as defiance.
• Low Self-Esteem: Constant criticism and punishment can erode a child's self-esteem, leading to feelings of shame and inadequacy. This can further exacerbate behavioral problems.

Instead of relying on punishment, focus on strategies that support your child's specific needs. This might include breaking down tasks into smaller steps, providing frequent reminders, and teaching them coping skills for managing their emotions.

Sensory Resets: Reopening the Brain for Connection

When a child is in a state of dysregulation, sensory input can be overwhelming. Certain sounds, textures, or smells can trigger anxiety and exacerbate their emotional state. Sensory resets are simple techniques that can help calm the nervous system and reopen the brain for connection.

Here are a few examples of sensory resets:

• Deep Breathing: Encourage your child to take slow, deep breaths. This can help calm the nervous system and reduce anxiety.
• Weighted Blanket: The pressure from a weighted blanket can be very calming for some children.
• Movement Breaks: Physical activity can help release pent-up energy and improve focus.
• Nature Walks: Spending time in nature can be very soothing and restorative.
• Quiet Time: Sometimes, all a child needs is a few minutes of quiet time to decompress.

Experiment with different sensory resets to find what works best for your child. The key is to provide them with tools they can use to manage their emotions and regain control.

Balancing Compassion and Accountability

Finding the right balance between compassion and accountability is essential for effective parenting of ADHD children. It's important to be understanding of their challenges, but it's also important to teach them responsibility for their actions.

Here are a few tips for balancing compassion and accountability:

• Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge and validate your child's feelings, even if you don't agree with their behavior.
• Focus on Solutions: Instead of dwelling on the problem, focus on finding solutions.
• Teach Problem-Solving Skills: Help your child develop problem-solving skills by asking them questions like, "What could you do differently next time?"
• Set Realistic Expectations: Be mindful of your child's limitations and set realistic expectations.
• Celebrate Successes: Celebrate your child's successes, no matter how small. This will help build their confidence and motivation.

Remember, parenting is a journey, not a destination. There will be ups and downs along the way. The key is to keep learning, growing, and adapting to your child's changing needs.

Key Takeaways for Guilt-Free, Effective Parenting

Here are some key takeaways from this blog post to help you on your parenting journey:

• ADHD is a neurological difference, not a character flaw.
• Traditional discipline methods often backfire with ADHD children.
• The My Lead First™ method is a proactive approach to setting expectations.
• It's crucial to assess your child's state of mind before attempting to correct their behavior.
• Sensory resets can help calm the nervous system and reopen the brain for connection.
• Balancing compassion and accountability is essential for effective parenting.

By understanding the unique challenges of ADHD and implementing these strategies, you can create a more positive and supportive environment for your child, fostering their growth, self-esteem, and overall well-being.

Connect with Sue Donnellan and Resources

For more in-depth information and personalized support, I highly recommend connecting with Sue Donnellan at AskMomParenting.com. She offers a wealth of resources, including one-on-one coaching, online courses, and a supportive community of parents.

• Free Facebook Group: Yell-Free Parenting for Exhausted Moms
• Sue’s Book: Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a F^ck
• Want 1-on-1 coaching? Book here
• Get Sue’s Weekly Newsletter: Subscribe now

Also, check out the show notes from the related episode, ADHD Moments on Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan, for additional links and resources.

Thank you for joining us on this journey! Remember, you're not alone. With understanding, patience, and the right strategies, you can navigate the challenges of parenting ADHD children and help them reach their full potential.