Oct. 15, 2025
ADHA Moments Explained on Ask Mom Parenting with Sue Donnellan
Sue Donnellan Shares Parenting Children with ADHD: How to Know When to Connect & When to Correct!
Parenting Children with ADHD: How to Know When to Connect & When to Correct
Parenting a child with ADHD can feel like living in a constant guessing game:
Am I supporting the diagnosis… or enabling the behavior?
Do I hold the line… or hold space?
How do I discipline a child whose brain doesn’t respond to discipline the same way?
In this episode, we dig deep into the razor-thin line between connection and correction …and why both are essential if you want your child to build self-control, not shame.
You’ll learn how to recognize when your child’s brain is in dysregulation mode (and literally can’t hear you), versus when it’s time to teach accountability and follow-through.
We’ll cover:
- How to read your child’s body and tone for signs their brain is “locked down” vs. “ready to learn.”
- The My Lead First™ method for setting expectations in advance so correction doesn’t turn into combat.
- The real reason typical punishments and consequences backfire with ADHD kids - and what actually builds discipline.
- Simple sensory resets that reopen the brain for listening, reasoning, and self-regulation.
- How to balance compassion with accountability - so you’re not excusing bad behavior, but you’re also not crushing your child’s confidence.
This episode is for every parent torn between empathy and exhaustion, wondering if their child “can’t” or just “won’t.” You’ll walk away knowing when to lead with connection… and when to lead with correction - without guilt, confusion, or chaos.
Connect with Sue at AskMomParenting.com and on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, Amazon and YouTube.
🔗 Links & Resources:
· Free Facebook Group: Yell-Free Parenting for Exhausted Moms
· Sue’s Book: Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a F^ck
· Want 1-on-1 coaching? Book here
· Get Sue’s Weekly Newsletter: Subscribe now
Thanks for listening! Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with a mom who needs to hear it.
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WEBVTT
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She is prays, prayche is please, she is you. You're
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tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on the
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Word of Mom Media Network.
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Hi, and welcome back to the Ask Mom Parenting podcast.
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Because parenting is everything. I'm Sue and with me is Randy,
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and this is your no bullshit, no filter, zero guilt
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parenting reboot. Whether you're knee deep in the tyler tantrums,
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navigating tween teen drama, or somewhere in between, you'll get
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at least one actionable tool today, one episode at a time.
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Today's episode is parenting children with ADHD. How to know
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when to connect and when to correct. This has been
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one of my most requested topics in my parenting workshops.
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Parents are really struggling with trying to figure out how
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to handle tricky behaviors associated with ADHD and other diagnosed disorders.
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As a bit of a disclaimer, I'm a parenting coach,
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so I'm not a therapist, and that means I don't
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diagnose conditions or provide clinical treatment. Therapy is designed to
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help process the past and heal wounds, and therapists have
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a very specific set of tools and evidence based interventions
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for children diagnosed with conditions like ADHD. My work is
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different and coaching tends to look more forward. So I'll
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help parents take a diagnosis, if there is one, and
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translate that into day to day strategies. How to set
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up routines, communicate expectations, restructure communication, all to be able
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to respond in that moment. So when a child has
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ADHD or any other diagnosis, the therapist will handle the
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clinical side while I help guide the parent on how
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to parent that child, turning the therapists recommendations into real life,
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workable habits at home. Overall, I like to stay squarely
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in my lane of empowering parents for the road ahead.
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What we're talking about today are strategies so that you
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can determine the difference between when your child's behavior needs
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a motional support to process those emotions, or when they
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need clear direction and structure to be held accountable, when
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to connect and when to correct, and how to figure
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out what your child needs from you in that moment. Okay,
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so real quick picture this. You're leaving a friend's house
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or an activity, and it's time to leave the pladate
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and your child suddenly refuses. They're shouting and hiding behind
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the couch, or they're throwing their shoes because they don't
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want to go. Other parents are watching and you can
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just feel your face getting hot. Is this just defiance
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or a classic ADHD moment where their brain wasn't ready
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for the transition. Stopping one activity and switching to another
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could feel like slamming on the emotional breaks at full speed.
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In an ADHD child, what looks like disrespect could actually
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be dysregulation, where their nervous system might be saying I
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can't stop yet. Or it could just be your child
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testing the line to see if you meant what you said.
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You're standing there embarrassed and you're wondering do I drag
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them out to prove that I mean business? Or do
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I crouch down and help them through the storm, knowing
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that it might take another ten minutes of every ounce
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of patients that I have left. How do I know
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its strategy to use in that moment. This example is repeatable,
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whether it's homework with tears willing up, where pencils flying
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and statements like it's too hard, I'm stupid, I hate
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this teacher, or bedtime meltdowns. Pick your moment and we
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all can relate.
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Yeah, I just wanted to point out one thing that
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I think most parents can relate to is what you
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said about reminding yourself that it's not necessarily defiance, it's
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about emotional regulation a lot of the time, and that
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their brains simply might not be ready for the transition.
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As a parent. That's like a huge aha moment for me.
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I have two kids. I do have one child that
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I'm like, does he have ADHD or not. I have
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a boy and a girl. My son's a little more
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on the hyper side, a little more energetic, so, you know,
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I don't know. So I've taken the sort of to
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just kind of wait to see if anyone at school
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says anything. I have a sister in law that's a
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school psychologist. You know, she in her interactions with him,
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you know, doesn't see necessarily anything. He's around a ton
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of educators who I know have had discussions with family
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members when they.
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Do think there's an issue.
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But even just having like a high energy kid, I
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can definitely see where some of this already is going
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to apply. And I think it's really going to even
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help me with my high energy son. And I definitely
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think there's a lot here already that parents today could
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just take away from So I'm definitely excited to hear
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more about this.
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Well, we remember we have talked about how boys are
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more textile and high energy, So that is something that
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because the dichotomy between boys and girls are so different
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when they're young. Girls are so quiet, they sit still.
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Boys are just built different and a lot of times
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just normal, healthy, happy behavior can seem like ADHD behavior.
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I know that with my kids, even just you know,
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fifteen years ago, I had one kid that was a
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little bit more high energy, a little bit more antsy,
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and you know, we just ended up giving him a
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little stress ball at school to kind of redirect. But
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there is a lot of confusion around boys and their
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high energy and what's regular normal behavior and what could
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be stimulated by some other reason. So it's you know,
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parents struggle for a variety of reasons with trying to
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determine what the behavior is, and they're struggling with what
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to do and how to handle it because you know,
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no one ever shows us how to parent a brain
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that processes differently. There's some reasons that come into play,
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and let's just go over a few to try to
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calibrate where you might be falling in your own life.
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It wasn't modeled for us. We all grew up. I
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think is all pretty universal that we grew up with
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parents that said because I said so, or my way
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or the highway, or don't talk back. That approach doesn't
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work with ADHD kids, and actually it doesn't work any kid.
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I know it didn't work for me, but especially ADHD brains.
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They don't respond to command and control type of parenting.
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You know, they need a collaboration, They need leadership upfront,
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leadership first, expectations that are made clear upfront. So the
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do as I say mentality is what got me yelling.
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And I know that it doesn't work because it didn't
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work for me with my mom, and it didn't work
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for me when I had my first kid. It took
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me a while to realize that kids are capable of
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understanding and cooperating with us when my communication is structured
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to actually land instead of be a lecture. So another
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reason why parents might struggle with determining whether this is
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ADHD or neurotypical behavior or what to do about it,
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is that they fear they might be too strict, especially
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with ADHD brains that are still trying to process. Parents
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worry that being firm will push their kids away, that
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their child will resent them or shut down, And the
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truth is strictness without collaboration first build discipline. It builds
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a rebellion. So instead of learning to think for themselves,
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kids will learn how to just outsmart the rules if
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we don't involve them first. We can also, on the
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flip side, be afraid of being too lenient, So there
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is the opposite problem where parents don't want to be pushovers.
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Y're afraid if they show too much empathy they'll be
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taken advantage of and their kids will walk all over them.
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The problem is leniency without leadership teaches kids that limits
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are optional and your words won't carry much weight. So overall,
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as parents today, I'm seeing in my workshops and with
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the parents that I work with in my practice that
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we're on missing the right tools. We've never really been
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taught exactly how to structure our communication so that we
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can parent more calmly, hold the boundaries, or decode what
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is really behind the behavior. Without these tools, every meltdown
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feels like a test that we're failing, when it's really
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just a skill gap that's waiting to be learned. Let's
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kind of zoom out and simplify this a little bit.
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Let's boil it down to a simple statement, and that
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statement is behavior is just another form of communication. Every behavior,
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even the ones that drive us crazy, is a form
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of communication from our kids. Especially with ADHD kids, behavior
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can be their language. When when words fall short, what
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looks like defiance might really be a kid saying I'm overwhelmed.
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He just doesn't have the words yet, you know. And
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what looks like laziness might actually be I don't know
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where to start, so I'm just gonna I'm not gonna
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start because I don't know where to start. It's all
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too overwhelming. And what looks like disrespect might be my
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brain is moving faster than my mouth, which is actually
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my problem after I've had too much coffee. So ADHD
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behaviors often get miss labeled because they look like attitude problems,
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when underneath, they're really just struggling with attention, impulse control,
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emotional regulation, and executive function things like planning, organizing, shifting
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between tasks, or controlling as those are all very difficult
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for ADHD kids to master. The challenge is when parents
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don't see the why behind the behavior of communication. It's
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easy to assume the child is being willful, so we
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tighten the reins, we raise our voices, or we double
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down undisciplined. But that often backed fires because instead of learning,
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kids feel misunderstood. Parents feel stuck between being too strict
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or too soft, and that cycle leads straight to frustration, burnout,
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and constant conflict in the home. So when to connect
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and when to correct? For parents with kids with ADHD
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or history of early trauma, including those that might be
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adopted or from foster backgrounds, one of the hardest decisions
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they face is when do I correct the behavior or
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when do I connect? Getting a misbehavior or disobedience from
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the child and I don't know whether to connect with
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his child or hold the line and keep the boundary.
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Let's start with a useful mindset shift before jumping in
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to fix or correct any behavior. Our job is first
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to observe. When you can pause long enough to read
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the situation and for what's really happening, what's driving the behavior,
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you stop reacting to the noise and start responding to
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the need. Once you can see what the behavior is
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trying to say, you'll know whether you should simply tune
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in and let that moment have space, or whether you
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should teach a new skill. Being an informed observer suddenly
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gives your parenting a lot more effectiveness. Remember again that
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our child's behavior is telling us something, but without words,
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and not all misbehavior means disobedience. Your child isn't trying
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to make your life harder. They're trying to tell you
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something they may not have the words for yet. First
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ask yourself what's driving this, and we'll get to all
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the specific ways that you can determine that in a minute.
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Yeah, I love what you're saying about changing the mindset
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in the mindset shift. I work a lot on my
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own mindset, and changing this mindset to all behavior is
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communication is so valuable. Also, moving away from the mindset
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that all misbehavior is disobedience can be a complete game changer.
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I know I'm in the middle of learning this myself.
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It's something I forget, but I'm always needing to remind
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myself and I'm trying to become consciously aware of that more.
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And it is a practice. But if you know it
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and can remember it and try to remind yourself of that,
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it really is helpful. I think at the end of
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the day, kids just want to please adults, and they
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really want to please their parents and their teachers.
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They really do.
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And so I think taking on this mindset shift really
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depersonalizes it for parents. I know for me, it's so
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easy to take things personally and assume things are being
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done to us as parents instead of just really simply
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realizing that it really is all about communication.
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As I love that depersonalization word because getting back to
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my original the mindset shift, the key mindset shift that
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I work with parents is to stop, pause, but observe,
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you know, and when we observe and then we know
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that we have the tools to react in which however,
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we decide that we've observed the behavior to be the
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root cause, like the root reason for this behavior. We
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now and throughout the rest of this podcast, you'll have
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the skills and the tools that you'll need to be
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able to go I'm observing, I see where this behavior
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is coming from, and now I know to do A
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or B. I'm going to be able to boil this
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down to really simple basic responses and determine what I
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have going on before me. But getting back to what
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you said earlier about the depersonalization of it. I remember
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when I was yelling all the time and I had
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to go back and I studied behavioral psychology and I
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really got back into books early on. One of my
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biggest takeaways for me anyway, because I kind of looked
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at these kids like he knows what he's doing. It
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was personal and it was like I got to show it.
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One of the biggest takeaways, the biggest a sentence that
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really turned the corner for me was a misbehaving child
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as a discouraged child. And that was so eye open
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for me, because again, that takes the personalization out of it.
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But when I saw my son misbehaving and looking for
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attention because he had triplet siblings, he was just four
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or five. He's trying to figure out his place. I
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reframed it, a misbehaving child is a discouraged child, and
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