Why Teens Lie on Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan

0:01 She is bray, she is pray, shee is she is you. You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on the Word of Mom Media Network. Hi, and welcome back to the Ask Mom Parenting podcast. Because parenting is everything. I'm Sue and with Me's Randy, and this is your no bullshit, no filter, and zero guilt parenting reboot. Whether you're deep in the toddler tantrums, navigating tween and teen drama, or somewhere in between, you'll get clarity and actionable tools one episode at a time. Today we are talking about teen lying, the hidden reasons why teens lie, and what parents can actually do about it. Why do kids do it, why are they lying, what does it really mean? And what can you do to stop it so that dishonesty can turn into more of an open and productive conversation.

0:52 Teen's lie for a variety of reasons. One is to protect something or someone. They lie to keep their independent, to keep us off their back. They lie to stay safe, or because they don't trust that we can handle the truth. When we stop seeing lying as defiance and start seeing it more as communication, the whole dynamic with our kids will start to change. That subtle awareness is one of the keys to actually stop being lied to, because to stop teens or anyone for that matter, from lying to us, we have to first understand what the lie is protecting them or us. Once we can decode that, we can start fixing our reaction that created the need for that protection in the first place. Like all effective parenting, it starts with our own self reflection, that ever present mirror that we sometimes rather not look into, but that we usually need for clarity. We've talked about this in earlier episodes, but you cannot change your child's behavior until you first look at your own. We can't change anyone else. We can only change ourselves and how we react, or respond or perceive a situation. It's kind of counterintuitive, but here's what many of us parents miss. When we're yelling, nagging, or punishing, we think we're reacting to our child's behavior, but actually it's the other way around. Our kids are reacting to our responses. That our response of nagging, punishing, and yelling their behavior is a mirror of our tone,

2:25 our energy, and our reactions. So when we nag, yell, or punish, our kids learn to lie, not because they're bad but because they're protecting themselves from us from our reactions. So who wants to be yelled at or punished or restricted. It's much easier to just tell us what we want to hear, and then they can be on their way. It's a cycle that kind of feeds itself. We react, they retreat, We tighten control, they turn up the resistance. Think of it like that chicken and egg question. What really came first? In this case, it's our directive, our request, our reminder, are our rule started the chain reaction, and our child is responding to that. We tend to think of our kids as making us yell, but the truth is they're just responding to the energy that we're putting out.

3:16 When we shift our response, there's naturally shifts too, because again, our kids are reacting to us. The good news is that means being lied to is one hundred percent fixable. Once we become aware and intentional that lies are just communication, we can change the entire dynamic of our conversation with our kids. That's exactly what we were digging into today. How to reshape your responses and conversations so that your child can trust you with the truth more and not feel the need to lie. Here's a quick little personal story. When I first had kids, I distinctly remembered that I used to lie to my mom all the time, and not just as a teen. I was grounded to my room.

4:00 I was made to write I will not lie fifty times. My poor mom just did not know what else to do with me. I wasn't allowed to double date at fifteen. I couldn't have my own opinions. I couldn't eat more than one cookie. It felt like everything in my life started with you can't. And I don't really react well to that. I don't react well to know. So when I became a mom, I started reflecting on why I lied so much to my mom, because I didn't want my kids to lie to me, and I came to one very clear answer. Lying is about control and trust, and at least it was for me. The tighter by mom pulled the leash, the more I just told her what she wanted to hear, and then I did my own thing. Anyway, As a teen, I lied about where I was, what I did, and who I was with.

4:45 I was grounded so often, and guess what, not a single one of my behaviors changed based on all the punishments, I just became a better liar. What I didn't realize until years later was that lying was the only power that I I had left. My mom controlled everything else, so my lies became a way of creating space for myself. I just didn't want to be under such a microscope. That's what so many parents seem to miss is that lying mesquerades is rebellion. But it's really just a coping strategy. It's your teen's way of saying, I don't feel safe telling you the truth. That's not a character flaw in your child. It's communication or lack thereof. And our job as parents is to figure out why our child feels uncomfortable telling us the truth and what we can do differently so that they don't have to. When I became a parent, I made a promise to myself that the cycle was going to end with me, and it has almost to the point of TMI. Yeah.

5:46 I love what you've say too about reflecting and assessing our reactions to lying, because I know for me and I'm sure a lot of other parents feel the same way. When we react negatively to lying, A lot of it is just because it feels so personal, and it's really hard I feel like not to take that personally because I know, for me, you hear things like, you know, have connection with your kids and communicate, and you're like doing all of the things that all the parenting experts are saying to have this connection with your child, and then when they lie to you, you're like, wait, what was all that for? Like, I'm doing everything that the experts are saying, and so I'm sure a lot of other parents feel that way too. So like a big takeaway for me here is just realizing that we can only control our reactions and practicing And I think that's the key word, is practicing because this definitely doesn't happen overnight.

6:42 Not getting defensive, not getting angry, not wanting to punish, but just to open the door for communication. Yeah, that is true. It does feel personal, but it only feels personal when you're just not aware of looking at lie as a communication and it's a it's just a different form of communication. And when we can just zoom out and use apply like a little bit of psychology to this, we understand that. I mean, it's personal because they are reacting to us. However, it's super easy to fix when we understand how to reshape and reform's strategically our communications so that we can sidestep the lies.

7:23 And you know we're going to talk a lot about that here coming up, but yeah, it's it feels personal at first until you really know you know what else you can do. So before we get into some of these really effective solutions, let's just kind of recap taking a look at why teams lie in the first place. They lie when they feel trapped. They lie when they feel judged by you, or they feel micro managed. They lie to protect themselves from our reactions, to avoid punishment, to save face, to preserve privacy, or to protect a friend. And sometimes they lie to control the only thing that they can and that is their own narrative. Lying is a behavioral habit, and actually it can become a habit if we don't change our reactions, then their lying can become a behavioral habit to just protect themselves, but it serves a purpose for your child. So instead of asking why would they do this to me? Again that personalization applying the personal lens. Instead of saying why would they do this to me? Ask how have I created an environment that gives my child a reason to lie to me.

8:31 When you reframe it with a reason that implies that there is something different you can do to get and effect a different change or a different outcome. So remember, teams don't stop lying when we tighten control, they stop when we loosen the fear. Well, I did some research as well into this, and it was actually really insightful and interesting. Found a lot of similar things you're mentioning. Just to note real quick, some of the sources of some of the research that I'm about to talk about came from sources like Healthline, some psychology journals, and websites for mental health professionals. What I found is that lying peaks around ages thirteen to fifteen, as teens are asserting their independence and testing boundaries. Like I know you've mentioned on this podcast and others, other reasons teens lie. Some of this is a crossover from what you're saying. To avoid difficult conversations, avoid punishment and press peers, protect friends, cover up embarrassment, avoid negative judgment, to keep some of their privacy. You know, I think you've mentioned before too. You know, it's sometimes it's feeling like they're grasping onto the only control that they have, so insert lie here, and sometimes this builds social standing among friends. And I think that's also really insightful too, because sometimes we just have to say, like it's their developmental age or social things, and it does, you know, take that feeling of like less personal out of it.

9:58 In addition to everything else you've said, you know, we're kind of really fully understanding everything about the you know, the why teams lie and realize it's not about us, it's about all these other factors. I love when you said social standing. That is such an important distinction for teens, especially because that is again that's outside of our boundary of our home and the conversations that we're having with our child. But when I hear that, I think if my child, if I can determine that my child is lying to me for social standing, that tells me, okay, we might have a confidence issue and we might have like, how am I going to read this situation so that my child so I can help them with building their skill sets that avoid them feeling like they have to do that or what kind of friends are you choosing? Are you trying to Are you putting more emphasis on the importance of social status versus just really kind of coming into your own and feeling good about your own self. That's something I can do as a parent that those changes if I can see it for the reasons why, as opposed to me taking it personally and feeling hurt, that's going to just continue the pattern and the cycle of the lies. So I have to apply more of a psychology lens to it and take the emotion out of it and try to just apply more skills to the situation. So when your team lies, it doesn't mean that they're being defiant.

11:26 It means that they're not ready to tell the truth yet. And the keyword is yet. Our job as a parent is to create an environment where the truth feels possible. And you'll do that by leading with curiosity instead of confrontation, by remembering that you are there to teach and train and not to judge. And it's super hard. I know that it's hard. We're always judging, but you have to put on your Academy Award winning performance because they cannot feel like you're judging. So instead of thinking why would you lie to me? Or saying out loud even worse to your child, why would you lie to me, which sounds like an accusation racked in judgment. Go less direct and confrontational. Take the emotion and the guilt out of your conversation with your child and get curious instead. So I like to say, going through the side door instead of the front door. The front door is a direct hit.

12:17 It's a direct confrontation. Going through the side door means I'm sort of sidestepping this and I'm gonna massage this conversation a little bit and sort of see what I can glean versus thinking I'm gonna get the full truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth immediately. So you can try something like, well that doesn't quite add up, help me understand how I can help you, or you know, the math just isn't mathing with this story. I'm not sure what's really going on here. You can try some neutralized statements that aren't a direct confrontation but sort of invite more more conversation. This signals a calm leadership from you instead of confrontation, like, no matter what you tell me, we can work this out. Think of those memes where people talk about the one person that can call it two am that always has their back be that person for your child. Your child wants to know they can call you at two in the morning and you're going to have their back. You know I'm here to help you.

13:15 We'll ask questions later. This is the level of protection and love and support that your kids need from you that work them into being able to tell you the truth. So you're on the same team. You know you're going to get through everything together. Your child really needs to believe that and feel that you feel that way, because the second your tone slips into disappointment or punishment, you will not be getting the truth. You're getting a performance. So here are some practical tools on how to respond when your team is lying. Do not train your kids that a lie gets punished. A lie should get the curious treatment. Instead, punishment only teaches them to hide better.

13:56 Focus on what led to the lie instead your conversations to identify where the breakdown and communication occurred, with you being willing to own your part of the breakdown. Another one use neutral statements like the word we. That's like one of my favorite things. Just it's not me and you, it's we, because we're in this together. You know, let's make sense of this together. It doesn't matter who said it, who started it. I just need to know what happened so I can best have your back. Saying things like that will really get your kids attention. You know, this might include showing your child how they hurt someone and maybe role playing how to apologize. So even if your kid made a mistake or they were the bully, there's always a way through this because you're the parent and they're depending on you for that leadership and for that wisdom.

14:46 Getting to the bottom of a lie is an opportunity to parent, to connect and to teach and train skills for life to your child, and it's a better way to have a relationship with your child for life. So using we language might also look like we're not in trouble. We are in a learning moment. Let's look at what happened. We we we It's all about how we can connect with the child. We're in this together. We're here to help. We're not here to judge or punish, because you know, even if you have a child that's in the teen years, you know you've got a very limited amount of time left with these kids. They need to learn the skills on how to live in life and they depend on you to teach them that, And you can also say things like no matter what, I've got your back. So number three, stay the obvious and hit it head on.

15:31 You can literally say you might be tempted to lie to me right now, but I'd rather hear the truth and work through it with you. Sometimes just leveling the playing field removes fear and gives them that permission to be honest. But then you need to mean it. Do not bait and switch. You only get one chance to say an open statement like this if it grants you their cooperation. Do not then crap on them and lose credibility by having strings attached. The bait and switch will backfire. Okay, teens especially, they need training, They need understanding, and they need redirection, not punishment. Punishment teaches not a single life skill.

16:14 They learn nothing. Please remember, we want to bake in accountability by earning their trust and having them earn ours. A simple way to do that is by telling them that you trust them even when you don't. Especially with teens, teens need to hear just for no reason, and any time I trust you, well you know what, You'll choose the right thing because I trust you you make good decisions. This is programming. You can just tell your team this because they will live up to that. Because then taking that trust away when they betray it is the punishment. So I'm going to give you free trust, even if you haven't earned it. You're going to be given the trust.

16:55 I trust you. The lost trust from them messing up up from a parent who trusted them is the punishment. It's free. It's free people, no punishment. I trust you, and then that trust being taken is like, ah shit, now I have to come home earlier. Uh, you know, there's consequences. But when you take that trust away that was freely given, that is the punishment. Number four, self check your parenting communication. Ask yourself, am I being controlling instead of training and leading with life skills for living a successful life on their own. Everything we do as a parent is to get our kids ahead in life.

17:36 So we're teaching skills. We're not punishing and restricting and controlling, because again that's not teaching them anything. Am I listening or am I lecturing? Ask yourself? If you're lecturing, you're getting allowed to do I react or do I respond? A reaction is judgment, disappointment punishment. A response is all right, well, let's figure this out. Let's see what we can do together to get us out of the situation. Number five, I brand yourself as unshockable if you want your kids to stop lying to you. This is my absolute favorite. You're wearing your business hat with this one, and your new brand is that you are shockproof. Why because you never want your kids thinking that you can't handle the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth. They need to think that you've got this and that you've got them.

18:25 This is my favorite because the earlier you start your shock proof acting lessons, the better. Being unshockable creates a safe environment for your kids to tell you the truth without repercussions. This is good stuff and it works. It's never too late. Here are some examples by age. So this is how branding yourself a shockproof looks at age five. Mommy, where do babies come from? Shockproof? Move is? Oh, that's such a good question. Babies grown a special place inside my tummy and it's called a uterus, and then when they're ready, they come out and they join the family. If your child needs more than that later, you know, you can always do that. But don't use fake words for penis and vagina. You know this is this is how babies are made. Say your child is nine, mom, my friends say that there's a thing called porn. What's that?

19:16 I'm unshockable, shockproof move yep, that's a real thing on the internet, and it's not real love and it's not a real relationship like mom and dad have or me and my boyfriend or my partner or whatever it is. Do you want to hear what it actually is. Teach and train depending on maturity. Discuss trafficking, Discuss people forced to do things for money, Discuss the lifestyle. Nine might be a little young, but again we're answering in a shockproof way. They're asking about porn, and you know what chances are when kids are asking a question, they already know the answer. They just want more information or they want to see if we're going to react, because now they're testing you can she handle it? So say your child is twelve and you know they say, dad, my friend said she wants to vape after school. What should I do? The shock proof move here is good question.

20:08 I'm really glad you told me. Let's talk through what could happen and how you want to handle it, and then we are going to start looking up pictures of popcorn lung and teaching them what their lungs will look like when they're vaping. So whenever kids ask a question, instead of reacting, shutting it down and punishing them for that truth, it's a chance to go look up on the internet what this really means. Let's do a little bit of research together. Let's add our personal life experiences. That's another tactic. My childhood friend who she has three daughters, and she told me, Oh, I will never admit anything to my kids about what I was like in high school. I'm like, why I tell my kids all the crazy stuff?

20:50 Because they laugh. They know that mom was normal. You know, Mom, Mom is a real person, and mom has lived enough life to be able to help me through my problems. So I think when parents react that way, they're missing a really key opportunity to teach, train, and connect with their kids. Another example, so fourteen, Since this podcast is about teens, say your child says, Mom, my friends are talking about sex and they're sending pictures. Yep, this is happening at school. We all know this shock proof move here would be yep. That's happening a lot right now. I'm really glad you brought it up, so I'm validating the truth because I can handle it. Do you want to talk about what that's like for you? Are you feeling pressure? And did you know that that's illegal and that some kids can go to jail? Your child say sixteen, Dad, my friend got caught drinking. Everyone says that the parents are really freaked out. Well, parents do freak out about stuff like that because they've got fear, but not you, because you're shock proof. That's really tough. What do you think about it? Now? You're inviting your child to talk to you and be open and give their opinion that you're not going to judge. You say, I'd rather we talk about those choices now than to pretend that they don't exist. Let's open the door to her input. Let's hear her out. Let's start training the legalities of drinking.

22:06 Let's being hung over and the zero tolerance for drinking and driving and how that looks. Let's open the door to conversation rather than sweeping it under the rug and no, not wanting to hear any more about that. And I think one of the last ones your child say seventeen, mom, my boyfriend and I went a little further than we planned. I mean, O, yeah, I'm definitely cringing on the inside for sure, but my unchuckable voice says, thank you for telling me. Let's talk about how you're feeling and what you want to do next. That's going to open the door. Okay, I'm now I'm landing this with open communication, with a shift in behavior, not punishment, not I don't like this guy, I want you to break up with him. None of these controlling moves are going to move the needle in any way on her behavior. She's looking to you. She's coming to you for guidance and wisdom as an adult and as her mom as a trusted source. So these are many of the ways that we can change our conversation tactics with our kids and stop being lied to. Remember, control invites lies, so leadership invites the truth. We have to give up control to gain control. You can't punish honesty into existence. You have to parent it in a way that makes truth feel safe for your kids. So if your team is lying to you, the parenting shift happens the moment that you realize your child's behavior is feedback, feedback to you. It's not defiance. What we call defiance

23:41 is actually just a reflection. It's a reflection of the trust that our kids feel in us to process the truth without judgment, punishment, and with understanding, empathy and wisdom for them to learn. So it's up to you to read the conversation, read the statement, and decide what you're kid is really trying to tell you, because remember, it's communication, it's not defiance, and we get to choose how we respond. If you like this kind of content and you want more, if you can either go to Eskimo Parenting dot com and reach out to me directly if you're having a situation where your teens are lying to you, sign up for my newsletter or follow me on Instagram, or follow us on YouTube and subscribe to my channel. Thank you so much for listening and happy parenting.

24:30 She is sure, she is sure, she is strong. She is strong, she is true, she is true. She is Braise Bray. She is boul. She is you. She is you. She is you. She she is sure, she is sure, she is strong, she is strong, she is true, she is true. She is Braise Bray. She is both. She is she is you. She is you, she is you. She is sure of ourself. Yeah, she takes care of Bizz. Powerful and strong, Yet she knows who she is. Has integered any woman strong and true. You know where by name. See this woman is you. She is sure, she is strong, he is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, brave, she is she is, she is you, she is you, she is she is sure, she is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is she is, she is you. She is you. She is adds value and hope. Has proved to be brave. See it's never too late, never time to behave reaching for dreams doesn't matter. The age believes in herself, unleash from her cage. She is sure, she is she is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is bold, she is you, she is she is she is, she is, she is strong, she is strong,

26:02 she is true, is true, she is brave, she is brave, she is she is, she is you.