Oct. 29, 2025
Why Teens Lie on Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan
Sue Donnellan Shares The Hidden Reasons Why Teens Lie and What Parents Can Actually Do About It.
The Hidden Reasons Why Teens Lie & What Parents Can Actually Do About It
Why do teens lie…even if they have good parents, open conversations, and no reason to hide?
In this episode, Sue and Randee unpack one of the most misunderstood parenting challenges: lying. You’ll learn how most teen lies aren’t about rebellion, they’re about protection, privacy, and power. Sue shares her personal story of being a “frequent teen liar” and how that insight reshaped her parenting philosophy. Together, they explore why tightening control only increases deception, and how a calm, curious response can transform dishonesty into trust and growth.
You’ll discover:
- The real purpose behind lying (and what it’s protecting)
- How to stop taking lies personally and start reading them as communication
- What it means to brand yourself “unshockable” …and why your reaction determines your child’s honesty
- Simple neutral statements that build connection instead of confrontation
- How “control invites lies” and why giving up control earns truth
It’s not about catching your teen in a lie, it’s about creating an environment where the truth feels safe to live.
🎧 Listen through the end for specific age-based examples and Sue’s powerful “We Language” strategy that rewires your child’s honesty through trust, not fear.
Connect with Sue at AskMomParenting.com and on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, Amazon and YouTube.
🔗 Links & Resources:
· Free Facebook Group: Yell-Free Parenting for Exhausted Moms
· Sue’s Book: Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a F^ck
· Want 1-on-1 coaching? Book here
· Get Sue’s Weekly Newsletter: Subscribe now
Thanks for listening! Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with a mom who needs to hear it.
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WEBVTT
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She is bray, she is pray, shee is she is you.
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You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on
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the Word of Mom Media Network. Hi, and welcome back
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to the Ask Mom Parenting podcast. Because parenting is everything.
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I'm Sue and with Me's Randy, and this is your
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no bullshit, no filter, and zero guilt parenting reboot. Whether
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you're deep in the toddler tantrums, navigating tween and teen drama,
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or somewhere in between, you'll get clarity and actionable tools
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one episode at a time. Today we are talking about
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teen lying, the hidden reasons why teens lie, and what
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parents can actually do about it. Why do kids do it,
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why are they lying, what does it really mean? And
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what can you do to stop it so that dishonesty
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can turn into more of an open and productive conversation.
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Teen's lie for a variety of reasons. One is to
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protect something or someone. They lie to keep their independent,
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to keep us off their back. They lie to stay safe,
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or because they don't trust that we can handle the truth.
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When we stop seeing lying as defiance and start seeing
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it more as communication, the whole dynamic with our kids
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will start to change. That subtle awareness is one of
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the keys to actually stop being lied to, because to
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stop teens or anyone for that matter, from lying to us,
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we have to first understand what the lie is protecting
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them or us. Once we can decode that, we can
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start fixing our reaction that created the need for that
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protection in the first place. Like all effective parenting, it
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starts with our own self reflection, that ever present mirror
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that we sometimes rather not look into, but that we
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usually need for clarity. We've talked about this in earlier episodes,
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but you cannot change your child's behavior until you first
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look at your own. We can't change anyone else. We
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can only change ourselves and how we react, or respond
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or perceive a situation. It's kind of counterintuitive, but here's
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what many of us parents miss. When we're yelling, nagging,
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or punishing, we think we're reacting to our child's behavior,
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but actually it's the other way around. Our kids are
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reacting to our responses. That our response of nagging, punishing,
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and yelling their behavior is a mirror of our tone,
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our energy, and our reactions. So when we nag, yell,
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or punish, our kids learn to lie, not because they're
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bad but because they're protecting themselves from us from our reactions.
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So who wants to be yelled at or punished or restricted.
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It's much easier to just tell us what we want
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to hear, and then they can be on their way.
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It's a cycle that kind of feeds itself. We react,
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they retreat, We tighten control, they turn up the resistance.
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Think of it like that chicken and egg question. What
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really came first? In this case, it's our directive, our request,
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our reminder, are our rule started the chain reaction, and
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our child is responding to that. We tend to think
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of our kids as making us yell, but the truth
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is they're just responding to the energy that we're putting out.
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When we shift our response, there's naturally shifts too, because again,
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our kids are reacting to us. The good news is
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that means being lied to is one hundred percent fixable.
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Once we become aware and intentional that lies are just communication,
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we can change the entire dynamic of our conversation with
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our kids. That's exactly what we were digging into today.
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How to reshape your responses and conversations so that your
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child can trust you with the truth more and not
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feel the need to lie. Here's a quick little personal story.
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When I first had kids, I distinctly remembered that I
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used to lie to my mom all the time, and
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not just as a teen. I was grounded to my room.
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I was made to write I will not lie fifty times.
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My poor mom just did not know what else to
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do with me. I wasn't allowed to double date at fifteen.
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I couldn't have my own opinions. I couldn't eat more
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than one cookie. It felt like everything in my life
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started with you can't. And I don't really react well
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to that. I don't react well to know. So when
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I became a mom, I started reflecting on why I
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lied so much to my mom, because I didn't want
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my kids to lie to me, and I came to
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one very clear answer. Lying is about control and trust,
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and at least it was for me. The tighter by
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mom pulled the leash, the more I just told her
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what she wanted to hear, and then I did my
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own thing. Anyway, As a teen, I lied about where
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I was, what I did, and who I was with.
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I was grounded so often, and guess what, not a
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single one of my behaviors changed based on all the punishments,
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I just became a better liar. What I didn't realize
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until years later was that lying was the only power
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that I I had left. My mom controlled everything else,
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so my lies became a way of creating space for myself.
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I just didn't want to be under such a microscope.
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That's what so many parents seem to miss is that
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lying mesquerades is rebellion. But it's really just a coping strategy.
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It's your teen's way of saying, I don't feel safe
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telling you the truth. That's not a character flaw in
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your child. It's communication or lack thereof. And our job
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as parents is to figure out why our child feels
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uncomfortable telling us the truth and what we can do
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differently so that they don't have to. When I became
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a parent, I made a promise to myself that the
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cycle was going to end with me, and it has
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almost to the point of TMI. Yeah.
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I love what you've say too about reflecting and assessing
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our reactions to lying, because I know for me and
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I'm sure a lot of other parents feel the same way.
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When we react negatively to lying, A lot of it
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is just because it feels so personal, and it's really
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hard I feel like not to take that personally because
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I know, for me, you hear things like, you know,
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have connection with your kids and communicate, and you're like
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doing all of the things that all the parenting experts
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are saying to have this connection with your child, and
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then when they lie to you, you're like, wait, what
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was all that for? Like, I'm doing everything that the
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experts are saying, and so I'm sure a lot of
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other parents feel that way too. So like a big
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takeaway for me here is just realizing that we can
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only control our reactions and practicing And I think that's
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the key word, is practicing because this definitely doesn't happen overnight.
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Not getting defensive, not getting angry, not wanting to punish,
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but just to open the door for communication.
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Yeah, that is true. It does feel personal, but it
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only feels personal when you're just not aware of looking
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at lie as a communication and it's a it's just
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a different form of communication. And when we can just
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zoom out and use apply like a little bit of
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psychology to this, we understand that. I mean, it's personal
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because they are reacting to us. However, it's super easy
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to fix when we understand how to reshape and reform's
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strategically our communications so that we can sidestep the lies.
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And you know we're going to talk a lot about
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that here coming up, but yeah, it's it feels personal
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at first until you really know you know what else
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you can do. So before we get into some of
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these really effective solutions, let's just kind of recap taking
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a look at why teams lie in the first place.
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They lie when they feel trapped. They lie when they
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feel judged by you, or they feel micro managed. They
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lie to protect themselves from our reactions, to avoid punishment,
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to save face, to preserve privacy, or to protect a friend.
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And sometimes they lie to control the only thing that
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they can and that is their own narrative. Lying is
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a behavioral habit, and actually it can become a habit
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if we don't change our reactions, then their lying can
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become a behavioral habit to just protect themselves, but it
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serves a purpose for your child. So instead of asking
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why would they do this to me? Again that personalization
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applying the personal lens. Instead of saying why would they
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do this to me? Ask how have I created an
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environment that gives my child a reason to lie to me.
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When you reframe it with a reason that implies that
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there is something different you can do to get and
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effect a different change or a different outcome. So remember,
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teams don't stop lying when we tighten control, they stop
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when we loosen the fear.
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Well, I did some research as well into this, and
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it was actually really insightful and interesting. Found a lot
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of similar things you're mentioning. Just to note real quick,
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some of the sources of some of the research that
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I'm about to talk about came from sources like Healthline,
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some psychology journals, and websites for mental health professionals. What
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I found is that lying peaks around ages thirteen to fifteen,
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as teens are asserting their independence and testing boundaries. Like
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I know you've mentioned on this podcast and others, other
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reasons teens lie. Some of this is a crossover from
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what you're saying. To avoid difficult conversations, avoid punishment and
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press peers, protect friends, cover up embarrassment, avoid negative judgment,
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to keep some of their privacy. You know, I think
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you've mentioned before too. You know, it's sometimes it's feeling
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like they're grasping onto the only control that they have,
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so insert lie here, and sometimes this builds social standing
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among friends. And I think that's also really insightful too,
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because sometimes we just have to say, like it's their
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developmental age or social things, and it does, you know,
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take that feeling of like less personal out of it.
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In addition to everything else you've said, you know, we're
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kind of really fully understanding everything about the you know,
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the why teams lie and realize it's not about us,
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it's about all these other factors.
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I love when you said social standing. That is such
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an important distinction for teens, especially because that is again
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that's outside of our boundary of our home and the
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conversations that we're having with our child. But when I
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hear that, I think if my child, if I can
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determine that my child is lying to me for social standing,
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that tells me, okay, we might have a confidence issue
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and we might have like, how am I going to
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read this situation so that my child so I can
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help them with building their skill sets that avoid them
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feeling like they have to do that or what kind
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of friends are you choosing? Are you trying to Are
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you putting more emphasis on the importance of social status
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versus just really kind of coming into your own and
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feeling good about your own self. That's something I can
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do as a parent that those changes if I can
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see it for the reasons why, as opposed to me
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taking it personally and feeling hurt, that's going to just
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continue the pattern and the cycle of the lies. So
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I have to apply more of a psychology lens to
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it and take the emotion out of it and try
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to just apply more skills to the situation. So when
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your team lies, it doesn't mean that they're being defiant.
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It means that they're not ready to tell the truth yet.
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And the keyword is yet. Our job as a parent
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is to create an environment where the truth feels possible.
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And you'll do that by leading with curiosity instead of confrontation,
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by remembering that you are there to teach and train
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and not to judge. And it's super hard. I know
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that it's hard. We're always judging, but you have to
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put on your Academy Award winning performance because they cannot
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feel like you're judging. So instead of thinking why would
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you lie to me? Or saying out loud even worse
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to your child, why would you lie to me, which
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sounds like an accusation racked in judgment. Go less direct
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and confrontational. Take the emotion and the guilt out of
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your conversation with your child and get curious instead. So
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I like to say, going through the side door instead
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of the front door. The front door is a direct hit.
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It's a direct confrontation. Going through the side door means
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I'm sort of sidestepping this and I'm gonna massage this
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conversation a little bit and sort of see what I
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can glean versus thinking I'm gonna get the full truth,
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the whole truth, and nothing but the truth immediately. So
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you can try something like, well that doesn't quite add up,
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help me understand how I can help you, or you know,
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the math just isn't mathing with this story. I'm not
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sure what's really going on here. You can try some
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neutralized statements that aren't a direct confrontation but sort of
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invite more more conversation. This signals a calm leadership from
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you instead of confrontation, like, no matter what you tell me,
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we can work this out. Think of those memes where
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people talk about the one person that can call it
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two am that always has their back be that person
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for your child. Your child wants to know they can
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call you at two in the morning and you're going
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to have their back. You know I'm here to help you.
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We'll ask questions later. This is the level of protection
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and love and support that your kids need from you
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that work them into being able to tell you the truth.
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So you're on the same team. You know you're going
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to get through everything together. Your child really needs to
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