Sue Donnellan Shares Secrets to Parenting on The Authors Alley with Dori DeCarlo on WoMRadio

0:00 She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is she is you. She is you, she is she is sure, she is true, she is strong, she is straw, she is true, is true, she is brave, is bray, she is she is you. Hello, everyone, welcome to today's Word of Mom Radio. Here on the Word of Mom Media Network. I'm your host, Dory D Carlow, and you know we are here week after week, show after show, breaking those myths that morepreneurs and business women, especially those of us building our businesses from home, that we're just dabbling in between bake sales and getting our nails done.

0:46 We're not. We are smart, we are savvy, and we are sharing the wisdom of women in business and in life. And I'm looking forward to bringing today's guest into both the parenting corner and our author's ali. As a mother who's balanced raising four kids, including triplets, with a full time business and a husband who's deployed to war five times, Sue Donellan fully understands the demands on parents to successfully manage a busy family life. The steep learning curve of going from one to four children almost instantly kickstarted. Sue's nevin for nurturing four unique individuals for no nonsense, judgment free parenting style created an environment of freedom, flexibility, and self initiated learning for her kids. After twenty five years in the trenches parenting four happy, prosperous people, there's much more to share that will make the entire process stress free, effective and fun. I have to say, I really enjoyed Sue's book and I'm really looking forward to sharing it.

2:01 So with all that being said, Sue, welcome to Word of Mom Radio. Thank you, Dory. I really appreciate you having me. Oh it's my pleasure, and I would love for you to. Take us on your journey. And I love the picture of you. This is what being pregnant with triplets looks like. That was such a great picture in the book. But really, I would love for you to take us on that journey that finally led you to this book. Well, it started with marrying a guy who loves kids and wanted a family and wanted a big family, and me not really having a lot of exposure to children, not babysitting for money, not really being drawn to the motherhood space, but marrying a guy who wanted that, so I had one child for him. You know, we had our first born and he was negotiating for a second child and he wanted a third child. And I'm like, okay, I'll have another baby for you. This is the nicest thing I've ever done for anybody. I'll do this for you.

2:53 You know, the universe had another idea in mind. They dropped a couple of eggs out of me and split one and I ended up with natural triplets. So our second baby turned into two, three, four, and we have identical boys and a girl. And then our older child is a son. So three boys and one girl. All boom, you know. At one time, Wow, I am a sister with three brothers. So ah, shere's to your daughter. Man. Yeah. Yeah, she's a tough one, for sure. She has to be. Yeah. So seriously though, so talk to us about your business life, and then again, what led you to create this book? Well, the business life is something you know. I was working from home and created my own business before it was popular after COVID, when.

3:41 I knew I was marrying a guy in the military. I wanted to create a sales like a rep business that I could work from home and move around and carry it with me and not have to give up my education and my business acumen, you know, to be able to work with my husband who was going to be moving. I was balancing working a full time business where we did depend on my income, and then I worked from home and we had our first baby, and that all was something I had to learn to manage and balance and figure out how to splice my time. But once we had the four kids, you know, I still kept the business. It was something that was important to me, maintained for me, for myself, for our family, for finances, and that gave us the freedom to be able to go on trips. And it was also important for the kids to see that, you know, mom is busy working and go figure it out. They didn't have complete even though I was in the home, they didn't have complete access to me all the time to be able to solve their problems or you know, fulfill their needs or whatever. They had to know Mom when the door is shut or if I'm on the phone, mom's working.

4:43 That was an important piece of being mom, I think, in a business owner. And as they got older, they understood the sacrifice I took to take my money from my savings and build a business and also kind of combine that with being a wife and a mom. But what brought me to the the book was that after having the four kids and being a type a person who runs her own business, you know, no experience with raising kids. I thought, well, when I tell the kids to do something, they do it. I had no clue of the nuances that it takes to raise raise children and motivate little people and go through all the phases, and so I kind of find myself yelling. You know. At that time, they were ages four and one and just yelling all the time, and my husband said, you know, you're yelling a lot, and I really felt justified in that yelling. I felt like, well, of course I'm yelling.

5:34 You know, nobody's listening, and I've got a lot on my plate. And so when my oldest started acting out, we had them in a Montessori preschool, and the Montesssori school offered a class and the teachers thought, you do have quite a smart first born. He's very attuned to. Life, and he wants to test you, and he's got all the personality traits that make him successful someday, but make him a little difficult to parent. He and I were kind of butting heads. So I took the course, and again I felt completely justified in my yelling. My husband's deployed, I have four kids under four, I have a business, And the teacher just kind of looked at me and said, well, how's that yelling working for you?

6:16 So at that moment, I was in receive mode. I went from external it's all abore me. I'm a victim to receiving, receiving new information, receiving how do I motivate these children? How do I use the innate psychology that I used. I have a real good skill set for psychology, which was helping me in sales. How do I take my natural skill set for reading people and for understanding how to motivate people in the sales world, and how do I apply that to my children, you know, understanding all their different personalities and so forth. So after I took this course, it's sort of generated in me. You know, it brought me in touch with what my innate skill which is people psychology, you know, behavior, And I went and I just did a deep dive onto psychology. I read about behavioral psychology, the monassory school is steeped into Edleirian psychology, and I read another book called Children the Challenge, and that just started my whole research into behavioral sciences for children and how to apply that to kind of get what I wanted, in other words, children who were behaving and children I didn't have to yell at.

7:30 So through this process of. Understanding children's behavior phases, how to motivate children, how to create accountable kids who do things like packing their lunch, doing their laundry at five? How do I turn these children. Into little beings who know how to be in touch with their own intuitive skills and learn how to take care of themselves in a safe environment. How do I teach and train the kids about accountability and responsibility? And the Montessori school sort of opened my eyes to what's possible and what kids are willing and able to do with the right leadership. So as I learned all of those things, and my kids became older and I saw that it was working, and I did get feedback from other parents, like your kids, or how do you get your kids to mow the lawn and packing their lunches?

8:21 And I started coaching other parents, and I started sharing and doing the workshops and what I was learning and how I was sort of experimenting with my own family. I started teaching other workshops and teaching other parents, and that started my coaching business on the side, because I still had my other main business. But by the time the kids got to be teenagers, that's when I really started formulating my idea of writing a book. And the reason for that was I started seeing other parents. As the kids became preteens. I noticed that parents were latching on to control and fear. And about the time I was letting go control and having faith in what I've trained and put into the kids and what we invested into the kids, into them as individuals. That was now starting to show. At thirteen fourteen, you know, they were showing responsibility. They were given a phone only tied to their sports, and it was tied to a reason and not just given. They didn't have gaming in the house.

9:23 I didn't allow the Xbox. It could play it at their friend's house, but I didn't allow that whole culture in our home because gaming was real. That was dad's job, right. This isn't a game, it's dance a fighter pilot like this isn't part of a game. So anyway, those rules. And so forth, I was starting to kind of let go of control, will allow them to make their own decisions freedom within boundaries. I was still very much the leader. I still was the creator of the culture of the home, but they did have freedom to make their own choices within those boundaries. And I was noticing that all of the other kids, my kids' friends, and their parents were punishing and grounding into taking keys and restricting, and that was creating, you know, the restriction was creating a rebellion.

10:05 And as I was seeing the teenagers unfold for us where we were in a very collaborative environment where I'm building that trust and that relationship of trust, where the kids were telling me everything things like curfew, Well, what do you think would be a good curfew? Okay, they're gonna start at two. I'm gonna start at ten. You know, we're gonna we're gonna treat this as a business. We're gonna come and meet in the middle to where I'm waning. Anyway, it's eleven o'clock. How about you earn you started at eleven, and you earn your time. You show me that you can get home at eleven and these were the types of things that we did in our home to build that baked in accountability. I felt like writing the book was something that was kind of calling to my soul's purpose because after all of the learning I needed to do to learn how to stop yelling and motivate four different individuals, I felt that it was something I could do to share with other parents to help save them on all the things that I had to learn.

11:00 How can I put. This into a book and help any other parent that I can help so that they don't have to go through what I went through. So that's what led. Me to book. I have to say that I find it a very good book, and I like how you kind of broke it out into the parent's side of things, end of the adulting and looking at yourself and then looking at your kids, and and I like the end of the chapters having questions, having answers, your takeaways and things, because let's face it, when you have a child, they give you all this information about so much stuff that we don't take parenting classes. It's like that movie Parented where you know you have to have a license, have a dog, and drive all.

11:41 Yeah, yeah, all. These things, but they just hand you a baby. It's like, yeah, good luck, don't forget to feed it. I really resonate with that. I remember getting our first baby, you know, leaving the hospital with our first son and just thinking, oh, my gosh, what a blank slate this kid is. He has that he needs me for every little decision, teaching and training and showing and investing our time and our wisdom. It's a daunting task that if. You're not prepared with what to do, you know, we can't treat them with little adults. They're not. And that's just you know. I'm gonna say that with my journey where I went thrown into the deep end from one to four kids and me yelling and me overwhelmed, I felt like all of the effort and reading and time I put in learning these techniques and these tips and these tricks that helped me manage a business and supporting a husband that was deployed and in the military and my and four different children, all of that was a lot of time spent that I saw. Parenting is my rearview mirror now, and I know that what the trial and error of what we did worked because now I see four individual kids out there fulfilling their own life passion, adding value to the world because they were invested in, and they were invested in an intentional way. So I felt like the book was a very important process for me to put out there into the universe to help parents. But the number one thing you know when you said about the way that I structured the book, is that what

13:13 had to happen for me to stop yelling. I had to change, and parenting is everything. That's why I start, and I structured the book that way, and that's why I do a lot of parent coaching, because we have to look ourselves in the mirror and say, is it my ego? What am I attaching? What traumas am I bringing in? What you know, I was yelled at a lot when I was raised. I was grounded a lot, and that made me lie. So I had to sit with myself and say, what am I bringing to this relationship? And I can't just use knee jerk reactions that I didn't like from my mom and think that I'm going to get results. So I had to learn. I had to change, and I had to show up differently, which is why I felt like the book was an important piece of me to kind of get out to help other parents, and also just I enjoy taking time to coach and work in mentorship with parents and moms, especially because when we tweak even the slightest thing, the kids resonate with that, they respond, and then we get better behavior. So you can't change the child. To get better behavior, you must change yourself. That's the counterintuitive message that I teach.

14:21 On that note, think of what Sue just said. We're going to take a quick break, say thank you to our sponsors, and we'll be back here in just a moment. On Word of Mom Radio. She is brave, she is bold, she is you, and we want to tell your story. Are you ready to share your journey with us on Word of Mom Radio? Go to wordofmomradio dot com and register as a guest. We want to tell your story because when you win, we all win. In twenty seventeen, Unsilenced Voices was formed to help survivors of domestic abuse and gender based violence worldwide. The organization currently serves sierri Leone, Rwanda, Ghana, and the USA. In twenty twenty two, Unsilenced Voices gifted over thirty three thousand dollars to survivors. In the USA and in Siri leone, there are over twenty six young girls who have been rescued from sex trafficking and domestic abuse and now going through vocational training school in order to better their lives.

15:30 We need your help. Donations are critical in order for us to continue our work. We also need volunteers to help with research and development. Please visit Unsilenced Voices dot org for more information. And we're back here on Bard of Mom Radio. We are talking with Sue Donoalan about parenting and her book. And before we start anything, Sue, I want to thank you for being a military wife. And I want to thank you husband or in his service, forgot to say something earlier. I don't think people realize what it is to be a military spouse. When your significant other is continually deployed.

16:12 You want to have. That co parenting and it's got to be hard, especially when somebody comes in from being away for so long and now there's another parent in the mix. That's funny, that's. A really insightful thing to say, because my husband and I are just such a great team. Met in college. We're just we're those soulmate, happy people, you know. We are just such a great fifty to fifty team. So when he's home, he's tremendously helpful. He would work all day, fly his jet, come home, hit the ground running, and give the kids bath, give the you know, just just loved being a father and a husband and loved being in the family way. So I'm very fortunate grateful for that.

16:53 But yes, it did take a lot of effort for me to stand up the home life and keep that canancy. And yes, when he was deployed, my oldest son was asked at school in kindergarten, you know, your dad's gonna die. So I had a parent through these things and that's okay. Now flying a fighter jet himself. So it's a family business. It's all good. But again it's the leadership and as parents, the way we respond, the way we react, the words that we're using, that we choose to use as a leader, as a parent leader is what's important. When you when you asked. Me, that's a very insightful question. You asked me about what that happened when he was gone eight months, nine months, whatever it was. Yeah, you're right.

17:33 As a strong role model for my kids, I did make the decisions I kept that house humming, and he did have to kind of step back into that treadmill that was constantly running, right, he had to gently figure out, Okay, they have new processes. I got to figure out. So that's really more on him. And he was very attuned, very insightful and understanding and respectful toward me that he understands I have a strong wife. She kept the home. If you're burning, my job is to gently step back in and figure out where I needed until we can get back into a rhythm again as a couple. So I would give him the credit for that. I give you both credit for that, because, yeah, let's face it, there can become that clash of egos. No, I want it this way, you want it that way, especially when you go months between having a second parent at home for the kids too, it's like, oh, daddy's here, now, let me see if I can get away with this.

18:29 I mean, that's a kid's natural nature. I was really fortunate somebody gave me one of the best parenting. Advice I ever heard. I was pregnant with my first son and this guy, he's a child psychologist, and said, it is a parent's job to set boundaries and it's a child's job to negotiate those boundaries. Ultimately, it is not a democracy. It is a dictatorship you are getting and if they don't like it, they can move out. It doesn't matter that there's seven. And it's really true because and it's one of the things that I got from your book, and I really liked that you pointed this out. When you set definitive boundaries for your children, they have freedom in their life because if you are not consistent as a parent, and they could do this yesterday, but now you're not going to let them do it tomorrow, but you let them do it next week, but they can't do it last month.

19:18 You do not have kids that are confident in what is going on in their home and their nucleus though, true. Love, you are really putting that together nicely. Your consistency and I'm just making this up right now, but your consistency as a parent equals your child's confidence. Wow, it really does that one. I have to use that because, like, you're so right, because in the book I had in the first half, you know about your relationship with yourself, I didn't have a chapter about are you for sale? And why did I put that in there because all the parents that I saw, my kids friends' parents were inconsistent. They were telling their kids, don't drink, it's bad. And then when the kids got their permit or their license, Hey, come pick me up at the bar. I'm too drink to drive.

20:08 What what are we doing here? Like what? The kid is confused. There's inconsistency, there's a lack of a role model. And I'm not saying you can't drink. I'm just saying figure it out in another way where you're not dumping this on your child to solve when you've been raising them telling them drinking is bad, don't drink. So it's just this level of for sale. Well, you're never going to get a new car, you're never going to up up. But then they get to high school and other friends have a new car, so you go back on what you've always said and you get them a new car. Now the kid knows like, well, you didn't mean what you said, and that provides instability to the child, and that provides a lack of confidence in them. So yeah, I really like that where your consistency creates your child's confidence. That is really a true statement.

20:55 It does and I love that. Are you for sale? And it goes back to those boundaries. It is your child's job. It is a you know it. Come on, they seriously they try to whittle you down. Yeah, you know. And I used to say rock meat, hard place. And my son one time said to me, the best thing about me was. Also the toughest. I almost meant what I said. They need to know that. And I was lucky because my firstborn is a master at holding me accountable at four and five. He's what sent me. He's why I yelled, because we were both kind of a similar personality. But the kid was he had me basically parenting as a robot, because if I had a weak moment, I was exploited, and if I had an extra tough moment, I was challenged. He had me walking the finest line as a parent.

21:41 And he really challenged me. And we joke about that. Now I'm like, you really you set the tone as my for my parenting. You challenged me and taught me you were here, You're kind of a guide to me here like that, this is what in this life, this is what you did. And we joke about that. But he just had that personality where I was like, gosh, I'm damned if I do it, and damned if I don't. This kid's making me tell the line. But he taught me the importance of being consistent and the importance of the child is desperately looking and watching and you know, making sure that did she mean what she said. I'm not a drinker at all, but once a year. This is so if you saw this in the book, but this is just this was so gosh.

22:26 I splash of cold water on my face. As a parent, I don't drink really at all, but once a year at Christmas, I would have some baileies and. We would trim the tree. I never told my kids don't drink, it's bad whatever, but you know, obviously we have rules whatever drinking. I'm on a big drinker. Once my daughter was maybe ten, she found out that I had alcohol in the cup. There goes my role model for not drinking. What wait, what you know what? Instead of getting mad, I took a moment. I took a breath, and I thought to myself, Wow, okay, so this is interesting children from one to ten. I'm just whatever. Your child is different. When in a range is black and white, it's bad. It's good. When your child is ready for nuance and they're ready for the gray, then they are going to make a statement like that, they're gonna call you out.

23:15 And again, if. I'm confident in my leadership and I'm confident in the messaging and I'm consistent, I'm going to take a minute and go, oh, she's ready to understand that it's not bad or good. It just is. It doesn't have to have meaning attention to it. Yes, once a year. I have a tradition that I like a little Bailey's it's not a bad thing, and adults do that, and that's okay because I'm an adult and I can make my own choices as an adult. So it's now she's ready for a nuance, she's ready for gray. So instead of getting mad and yelling at her and like well who the hell are you and blah blah blah, you know, I didn't. I just took a beat and I was like, oh, okay, she's she needs to be made to understand that any alcohol isn't bad or good.

23:55 Let's have a new conversation. It's about moderation. It's about you know, tradition, about whatever it is that you as the parent want it to be about kids will hold you accountable. But you know, you were also modeling this is in your house. You're not going anywhere, You're not in a car. This is right mommy home, having a cocktail while with trimingtry and doing our Christmas stuff. Yeah, so you were modeling responsible drinking. You know, but if you are going to one time of year. But can you imagine she was viscerally like, there goes my roll model for not drinking. It was like, okay, whoa, whoa, this is you know what kind of pressure. I didn't you know, I'm telling you nobody. No, the pressure as a parent and the stuff that they can say where you're just like, yeah, you do so all right, you know, it's an amazing thing how fast this goes.

24:41 We're kind of wrapping things up here. I'm going to ask you as you're leaving this conversation, what do you think the most important gift parent can come instill in a child soon And people find. That's very easy. The most important thing we need to do is invest in them individually to help them find their purpose in the life. What is going to get them out of bed in the morning, take your ego out of it, take all of your expectations out of it, and invest in them as people. Help them connect with their gut and what makes them happy and what is going to get them out of bed in the morning to where they can add value to society. And that prevents a whole host of time on the couch for them, of second guessing themselves of whatever. You invest in that individual, confidence for that particular child and treat them as that individual, and then by the time they get to college and beyond or wherever trade school, they will be marching to the beat of their very happy drum. And that's my job as a parent, is to invest in them as an individual.

25:40 How can people reach out to you soon? They can find me on askmomparenting dot com and I'm also on Facebook and Instagram with ask mom as my handle. I've got a variety, got a book on Amazon, Secrets to Parenting Without Giving an F and that is my best selling book. I've given a Mom's Choice aword for it and part of that. So yeah, that's long parenting and you'll be able to find me awesome. All of Sue's links are going to be live on Wordomomradio dot com. I really encourage you read the book. It's a good book. And you know what, as parents, we have the most awesome job in the world. And the job of mom is a job that never ends.

26:24 It is a lifelong job, and if you're really lucky, it morphs into the job of Mimi, which is like the best job in the world. Because my job's already done. Please, thank you. Did you wash your hands after you went to the bathroom? I'm done. You get to be the parent now and I get to read the rewards. So it is a wonderful thing. And I was born to be a mom. It's what more Word of Mom is all about, because as women out there, we are remarkable in what we do. We really are. So Sue, thank you so much for sharing your book, for the wonderful job you've done bringing four amazing people into this world, for the support that you give your husband in the military, and all of it. I'm thrilled to have had the opportunity to share you here on Word of Mom Radio.

27:10 Thank you so much, Thank. You so much. I really appreciate being given the chance to share. It's been my pleasure. And for all of you tuning in, thanks so much for being here. We're going to close out with our fabulous theme song from Smith's Sisters and the Sunday Drivers. So till next time, This is Dory de Carlow saying, go out and create a marvelous you. Bye for now. She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, she is strong, she is true, is true, she is Brazra, she is she is you You, she is you. She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, she is she is true, is true, she is braise, she is she is you.

27:58 She is you, she is you. She is sure of herself. Yes, she takes care of his Powerful and strong. Yet she knows who she is, has integrity, woman, strong and true. You know her by name. See this woman is you. She is sure, she is strong. He is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is she is you, she is she is she is sure, she is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is bold, She she is you, she is she is She adds value and hope, has proved to be brave. See it's never too late, never time to behave Reaching for dreams doesn't matter. The age believes in herself utleast from her cage. She is sure, she is she is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is she is you, she is, she is sure, she is, she is strong, she is strong, she is true.

29:08 Is true. She is braid, is braid. She is she is, she is you.