Word of Mom Radio

Word of Mom Radio is sharing the wisdom of women, in business and in life. In our 14th year, we feature shows for Mompreneurs and Business Women, with our rotating show platforms and fabulous hosts. The Mompreneur Model began it all. We now share from Music, Movies and Matinees to the Business Spotlight, Ask Mom Parenting with Sue Donnellan, Building Your Empire with SophieZo, Girls That Create with Erin Prather Stafford, Healthy Habits and Authors Alley, our Children's Authors Alley and Parenting Corner to Moms After Dark, Ordinary People/Extraordinary Lives and more in syndication. The Word of Mom Media Network ~ come tell us your story ~ because When You Win ~ We All Win!!!

Choose your favorite podcast player

July 16, 2025

Stop Overparenting on Ask Mom Parenting with Sue Donnellan

Sue Donnellan Shares How to Stop Overparenting: Trust Yourself, Not Your Fear!

How to Stop Overparenting: Trust Yourself, Not Your Fear!

Are you doing everything for your child…and calling it love? In this episode, Sue peels back the curtain on overparenting and calls out the subtle ways control shows up (micromanaging, rescuing, rushing, rewriting their essays) and how it can backfire.

With insightful stories (including the moment a Montessori teacher politely called her out for still packing lunches), and real talk about self-awareness, fear, and the difference between leadership and control, Sue walks you through how to step back without falling apart.

In this episode, Sue peels back the curtain on overparenting and calls out the subtle ways control shows up (micromanaging, rescuing, rushing, rewriting their essays) and how it can backfire.

Spoiler: Letting go isn’t giving up your authority, it’s how you gain influence and raise independent, resilient kids who actually want to talk to you because they trust you and don’t feel judged by your control.

What We Talk About:
The sneaky ways control hides in “good parenting”

Why micromanaging robs your kids of confidence, and you of your sanity
How fear fuels overparenting (and how to stop letting it drive the car)
The “structure not a script” strategy to give kids autonomy within boundaries
Why overcontrolling kids can turn them into rebels, people-pleasers… or liars
A decision-making skill you’re accidentally preventing your kids from developing
Instrument practice, friend choices, and the tightrope between encouragement and control
The parenting question that will change your day: “Am I helping or hovering?”
Your challenge for the week: Pick one place to loosen your grip and watch what happens

One-Liner to Remember:
"When we prevent our kids’ discomfort, we also prevent their growth. You want to raise a problem-solver, not a puppet."

Parenting Power Tools From This Episode:

Boundaries vs. control checklist
Facilitator parenting model (structure, not a script)
Micro-moment practice: let them fail safely
Mantra: “Am I helping… or hovering?”
Connection-first strategy to build trust, not obedience

Listener Challenge:
Pick one area where you’re over-involved. Is it homework? Doing laundry? Friend drama? Step back…on purpose. Let your child try. Let them fail safely.
Then watch them rise. Rate + Review:
Loving these no-filter conversations? Drop us a review and share this episode with a friend who needs to hear, “Hey, you don’t need to do it all.”

🔗 Links & Resources:
· Free Facebook Group: Yell-Free Parenting for Exhausted Moms
· Sue’s Book: Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a F^ck
· Want 1-on-1 coaching? Book here
· Get Sue’s Weekly Newsletter: Subscribe now

WordofMomRadio.com - sharing the wisdom of women, in business and in life.

Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/word-of-mom-radio--5252572/support.

WEBVTT

1
00:00:01.560 --> 00:00:05.799
She is brave, she is bray, she is she is you.

2
00:00:05.799 --> 00:00:08.560
You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on

3
00:00:08.679 --> 00:00:10.480
the Word of Mom Media Network.

4
00:00:10.880 --> 00:00:14.119
Hi, and welcome back to the Ask Mom Parenting podcast.

5
00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:16.000
Because parenting is everything.

6
00:00:16.239 --> 00:00:18.600
I'm Sue and with me is Randy, and this is

7
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:23.399
your no bullshit, no filter, and zero guilt parenting reboot.

8
00:00:23.519 --> 00:00:24.320
Whether you're deep in.

9
00:00:24.280 --> 00:00:28.160
The toddler tantrums, navigating between, or teen drama, or somewhere

10
00:00:28.199 --> 00:00:32.280
in between, you'll get clarity and actionable tools one episode

11
00:00:32.320 --> 00:00:34.880
at a time. Today we're diving into something that almost

12
00:00:34.960 --> 00:00:38.479
broke me as a mom, and that's being controlling. Episode

13
00:00:38.520 --> 00:00:42.119
three is how to stop overparenting. Trust yourself and not

14
00:00:42.320 --> 00:00:44.920
your fear. Here's what I've found as one of the

15
00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:48.200
hardest and also the most rewarding things that we can

16
00:00:48.280 --> 00:00:50.359
do as a parent, and that's to learn to let

17
00:00:50.479 --> 00:00:54.439
go and step back from being a controlling or micromanaging parent.

18
00:00:54.799 --> 00:00:57.119
And here's the kicker. The more we try to control

19
00:00:57.159 --> 00:01:00.439
our child, the less control we actually have. If we

20
00:01:00.479 --> 00:01:03.159
think we're keeping it all together because we're running the show,

21
00:01:03.359 --> 00:01:06.519
what we're actually doing is inviting our kids to lie,

22
00:01:06.920 --> 00:01:10.879
or rebel or just basically survive our grip. The irony

23
00:01:10.959 --> 00:01:13.079
of being over involved as a parent is that letting

24
00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:16.319
go is actually how you gain the influence and connection

25
00:01:16.519 --> 00:01:20.400
that you're looking for. Here's a counterintuitive twist that I discovered.

26
00:01:20.920 --> 00:01:24.879
You have to lose control to gain control. This topic

27
00:01:24.959 --> 00:01:27.959
is such a personal journey for me. During this podcast,

28
00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:29.959
I'm going to share a story about the moment that

29
00:01:30.040 --> 00:01:33.040
I realized I was doing way too much as a mom. Well,

30
00:01:33.120 --> 00:01:36.319
unpack some hidden ways that control sneaks into our parenting,

31
00:01:36.719 --> 00:01:38.799
and I'll give you a real world plan for how

32
00:01:38.840 --> 00:01:41.560
to let go yourself without letting things fall apart.

33
00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:46.200
The topic of control is very interesting because this actually

34
00:01:46.319 --> 00:01:50.760
really surprised me as a parent. I did not think

35
00:01:50.799 --> 00:01:53.599
I would see control come out in the way that

36
00:01:53.799 --> 00:01:57.319
it does come out. I thought, you know, cool, calm

37
00:01:57.319 --> 00:02:00.879
and collected and kind of what pair and my kids,

38
00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:04.840
how my parents parented me, And that's not really the case,

39
00:02:04.879 --> 00:02:06.519
which I find interesting, and I kind of think a

40
00:02:06.519 --> 00:02:07.760
lot of that has to do with the world we

41
00:02:07.799 --> 00:02:11.199
live in today, because for me, control comes out in

42
00:02:11.280 --> 00:02:16.159
ways that you don't necessarily think is control, and it

43
00:02:16.680 --> 00:02:20.439
takes a while to uncover and realize that that's what

44
00:02:20.479 --> 00:02:23.520
you're doing. So for me, like I never thought I

45
00:02:23.560 --> 00:02:25.960
would experience control as much as it is. It's actually

46
00:02:26.000 --> 00:02:28.240
something I'm kind of actively working through because, like I said,

47
00:02:28.240 --> 00:02:30.960
it just very small ways. One of the ways that

48
00:02:31.039 --> 00:02:32.759
I see the most, and I think a lot of

49
00:02:32.759 --> 00:02:36.400
parents today can relate. Were much busier than I think

50
00:02:36.479 --> 00:02:38.879
parents were in the past, and a lot of times

51
00:02:38.919 --> 00:02:43.319
my control is just simply it's because of time, and

52
00:02:43.560 --> 00:02:46.400
I have only started to recognize that recently. We need

53
00:02:46.439 --> 00:02:49.840
to get somewhere, you know, there's no time for the mess,

54
00:02:49.879 --> 00:02:53.080
the meltdown or anything like that. So for me, that's

55
00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:55.879
been like a big realization that I've had and actually

56
00:02:55.919 --> 00:02:57.879
something I'm like actively working through right now.

57
00:02:58.599 --> 00:03:02.199
That is my experience. It's not control if it's not love.

58
00:03:02.280 --> 00:03:05.039
Right, A lot of times we're trying to figure out

59
00:03:05.560 --> 00:03:07.159
how to get from A to B, and we I

60
00:03:07.159 --> 00:03:09.479
don't realize that we're applying control, and we don't realize

61
00:03:09.479 --> 00:03:11.719
that we're putting our own opinions into everything and that

62
00:03:11.759 --> 00:03:13.000
we just want it done sooner.

63
00:03:13.039 --> 00:03:15.479
And that was pretty much my personal journey as well.

64
00:03:15.680 --> 00:03:18.199
When I'm working with parents through workshops and we try

65
00:03:18.199 --> 00:03:20.479
to get to the bottom of how control is seeping

66
00:03:20.520 --> 00:03:24.080
into your parenting. We start with a little self honesty check,

67
00:03:24.599 --> 00:03:28.199
and there's some common ways where we can justify holding

68
00:03:28.240 --> 00:03:31.560
on too tightly, and parents tell me things like, you know,

69
00:03:31.560 --> 00:03:34.439
I'm just keeping them safe. Well, you know that's totally

70
00:03:34.479 --> 00:03:37.599
fair until safety becomes a cover for micro management, right,

71
00:03:37.800 --> 00:03:39.520
and you know, I don't have time to let them

72
00:03:39.560 --> 00:03:40.599
do it themselves.

73
00:03:40.759 --> 00:03:43.000
That was really my thing. I need it done.

74
00:03:42.840 --> 00:03:44.680
Fast, I need it done my way because my way

75
00:03:44.719 --> 00:03:47.120
is the better way. I've had X number of years

76
00:03:47.120 --> 00:03:50.039
on this planet. And they're just learning, so it's easy

77
00:03:50.039 --> 00:03:53.919
to kind of interrupt that process and place efficiency overgrowth,

78
00:03:54.000 --> 00:03:58.360
and you know, in so doing, hijack their independence. And

79
00:03:58.639 --> 00:04:01.719
you know, in my case to it wasn't necessarily fear

80
00:04:01.960 --> 00:04:05.120
that had me controlling the kids and the outcomes of

81
00:04:05.159 --> 00:04:07.199
what was happening, but it might have been you know,

82
00:04:07.240 --> 00:04:08.919
if I don't do it, it won't get done right type

83
00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:12.919
a personality. Right, It's like it's perfectionism pretending to be helpful.

84
00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:15.280
If I'm not doing everything for them, am I really

85
00:04:15.319 --> 00:04:18.160
being a good mom? That one seems to resonate with

86
00:04:18.279 --> 00:04:20.240
many of the moms that I work with. You know,

87
00:04:20.240 --> 00:04:22.680
but we need to trust our kids decision making and

88
00:04:22.800 --> 00:04:25.920
give them that space to decide and to choose and

89
00:04:26.000 --> 00:04:31.399
to experience life's pitfalls without rescuing. The reality is that

90
00:04:31.639 --> 00:04:34.959
control is a response to fear many times, the fear

91
00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:38.319
of failure, the fear of chaos, the fear of sometimes

92
00:04:38.439 --> 00:04:42.279
not being enough. And you know, when we prevent our

93
00:04:42.399 --> 00:04:46.079
kids discomfort, we're also preventing their growth and their ability

94
00:04:46.120 --> 00:04:48.720
to become resilient to life and its challenges.

95
00:04:49.000 --> 00:04:50.759
And so what we're really looking for.

96
00:04:50.720 --> 00:04:53.959
Is to raise kids who can work through disappointment, fear,

97
00:04:54.120 --> 00:04:58.519
and mistakes without constantly having to be stepping in exactly.

98
00:04:58.639 --> 00:05:01.439
And I think it's hard for parents to admit or

99
00:05:01.519 --> 00:05:04.839
even have the self awareness to see if they're the

100
00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:08.439
ones benefiting from the control. And I know that's something

101
00:05:08.519 --> 00:05:10.759
that you talk about a lot, which it was a

102
00:05:10.800 --> 00:05:13.000
concept I actually found really interesting because I think you

103
00:05:13.079 --> 00:05:16.399
kind of need to apply some self awareness to acknowledge

104
00:05:16.480 --> 00:05:19.279
that is something that can actually happen, and then kind

105
00:05:19.279 --> 00:05:21.839
of look at yourself and apply that self awareness. Can

106
00:05:21.879 --> 00:05:24.839
you give us some examples of where it might be

107
00:05:24.920 --> 00:05:26.879
more about us than the kids?

108
00:05:27.519 --> 00:05:30.279
Oh my gosh, yes, And I lived every single one

109
00:05:30.279 --> 00:05:33.839
of these. Are you doing their homework because you feel

110
00:05:33.839 --> 00:05:36.439
like you're just being the good parent where you know,

111
00:05:36.480 --> 00:05:38.480
my husband was always really good about letting the kids

112
00:05:38.480 --> 00:05:41.319
figure stuff out, no matter how painful, and I was stepping.

113
00:05:40.959 --> 00:05:43.279
In going you know X times this equals this.

114
00:05:43.399 --> 00:05:46.319
You know, boom, you're done, move on, and you know

115
00:05:46.399 --> 00:05:49.360
nobody was learning anything. Or when you push them toward

116
00:05:49.399 --> 00:05:51.680
an activity because it makes you proud, but maybe that

117
00:05:51.720 --> 00:05:53.040
doesn't make yourself fulfilled.

118
00:05:53.040 --> 00:05:56.079
But that's the activity that you want to see them doing.

119
00:05:56.319 --> 00:05:58.480
For me, I love dance, and you know, my daughter

120
00:05:58.560 --> 00:06:00.000
didn't really care for dance as much.

121
00:06:00.079 --> 00:06:01.519
We tried it, but you know, I did have to

122
00:06:01.519 --> 00:06:04.360
step back and listen that even though it was something

123
00:06:04.439 --> 00:06:07.160
that built confidence and happiness in me, wasn't.

124
00:06:07.040 --> 00:06:08.000
Resonating for her.

125
00:06:08.279 --> 00:06:10.160
Or you know, if you're jumping in to fix something

126
00:06:10.319 --> 00:06:12.959
just because you can't handle watching them struggle, or maybe you.

127
00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:14.480
Don't like the decision that they've made.

128
00:06:14.600 --> 00:06:18.120
Do we know that after our life's experiences, maybe they

129
00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:19.759
can do it this way and it would save them

130
00:06:19.759 --> 00:06:22.879
time and effort. But we're really not teaching them how

131
00:06:23.079 --> 00:06:25.800
to solve their own problems, how to apply ingenuity to

132
00:06:25.959 --> 00:06:29.120
any kind of problem solving, or to create their own confidence.

133
00:06:29.319 --> 00:06:30.279
One of the stories that.

134
00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:33.360
Really I like to tell because I think it very

135
00:06:33.439 --> 00:06:37.680
much illustrates the level of control, you know, that I

136
00:06:37.800 --> 00:06:39.600
needed to have, or that I wanted to have to

137
00:06:39.680 --> 00:06:40.480
just get things done.

138
00:06:40.480 --> 00:06:42.639
Of Course, remember, you know, four kids under.

139
00:06:42.360 --> 00:06:45.920
Four, but anywhere, at any age it was always four kids,

140
00:06:45.959 --> 00:06:47.959
and three of them were at the same age. So

141
00:06:48.600 --> 00:06:50.680
we had the kids in a preschool and my oldest

142
00:06:50.720 --> 00:06:54.399
was in kindergarten at this Montessori school. And I remember

143
00:06:54.680 --> 00:06:57.600
we had a parent teacher conference and I was running late,

144
00:06:57.680 --> 00:07:00.920
and of course got the sweaty browthy I'm waving my

145
00:07:00.920 --> 00:07:03.519
brow like, sorry, I'm late. I was busy packing all

146
00:07:03.519 --> 00:07:06.399
my kids' lunches, and surely you can understand that I just,

147
00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:09.160
you know, barely get it all done. And the teacher

148
00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:12.399
just looked at me, completely unimpressed, and said, why are

149
00:07:12.439 --> 00:07:14.120
you still packing their lunches?

150
00:07:14.199 --> 00:07:14.399
Now?

151
00:07:14.439 --> 00:07:18.680
Mind you, the kids were five and three, and I

152
00:07:18.800 --> 00:07:21.240
just thought, this lady, she's crazy.

153
00:07:21.319 --> 00:07:24.800
She forgets what the grinder feels like. And I just said, well,

154
00:07:24.800 --> 00:07:26.639
why wouldn't I be packing their lunches?

155
00:07:26.680 --> 00:07:28.399
And she said, well, are you aware of all the

156
00:07:28.399 --> 00:07:30.199
things they do in class when they're here?

157
00:07:30.279 --> 00:07:32.439
Do you know that they grind coffee, and that they.

158
00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:35.839
Serve their friends, and that the kindergarteners serve as leaders

159
00:07:35.839 --> 00:07:39.439
and role models to the preschool kids, and that they

160
00:07:39.480 --> 00:07:42.360
have a peace rug, and whenever the younger kids are fighting,

161
00:07:42.399 --> 00:07:45.120
the kindergarteners step out onto the peace rug and they

162
00:07:45.160 --> 00:07:48.360
help solve problems. Like they're doing all of this stuff

163
00:07:48.639 --> 00:07:52.160
that they're expected to do at school that I'm not

164
00:07:52.279 --> 00:07:54.879
expecting them to do at home because I'm.

165
00:07:54.720 --> 00:07:57.839
Busy doing everything. Well, that day it changed.

166
00:07:57.959 --> 00:08:00.160
I put that mir around myself and was like, oh, okay,

167
00:08:00.199 --> 00:08:02.399
well why am I packing their lunches? And I redesigned

168
00:08:02.399 --> 00:08:04.839
the whole kitchen. I put everything at their level. I

169
00:08:04.879 --> 00:08:08.279
remember getting frustrated that I was screaming out to the kids.

170
00:08:08.160 --> 00:08:09.360
While they were eating, who what you want? The blue

171
00:08:09.399 --> 00:08:10.480
juice or the red juice? Who want?

172
00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:14.199
And just you know, pissed off that they weren't answering

173
00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:17.000
me with the flavored juice while it was thankless I

174
00:08:17.040 --> 00:08:19.279
was packing their lunch and you know, you don't have

175
00:08:19.279 --> 00:08:21.240
to tell me twice, right, So I didn't need to

176
00:08:21.279 --> 00:08:25.519
be controlling their process of packing their own lunch and

177
00:08:25.560 --> 00:08:27.600
packing what they want to eat I was in control

178
00:08:27.720 --> 00:08:30.920
of shopping for the food, cutting the fresh fruit, putting

179
00:08:30.920 --> 00:08:34.080
everything at their level, providing the juice for them, and

180
00:08:34.080 --> 00:08:35.759
giving them you know, you need a protein, you need

181
00:08:35.759 --> 00:08:37.440
a fruit, you need whatever it is, these as the

182
00:08:37.440 --> 00:08:41.159
components you need. So from a more facilitator role, I

183
00:08:41.159 --> 00:08:43.159
could step back and watch them pack the lunch. But

184
00:08:43.200 --> 00:08:45.559
I didn't have to be packing the lunch. Did they

185
00:08:45.600 --> 00:08:46.759
have to get up a little earlier.

186
00:08:46.840 --> 00:08:47.120
Yes.

187
00:08:48.159 --> 00:08:49.840
All of the things that they had to do to

188
00:08:49.840 --> 00:08:54.720
take ownership for themselves that didn't require my intervention was

189
00:08:54.840 --> 00:08:57.320
all stuff that I was learning on how to manage

190
00:08:57.360 --> 00:09:00.159
a family of six and how to get a job

191
00:09:00.240 --> 00:09:03.399
done with four kids. And that was just a big,

192
00:09:03.720 --> 00:09:06.200
I guess, just light bulb moment for me that I

193
00:09:06.240 --> 00:09:07.519
didn't have to be packing.

194
00:09:07.279 --> 00:09:08.519
Lunches of little kids.

195
00:09:08.919 --> 00:09:11.000
And they packed their lunch all the way through high school,

196
00:09:11.039 --> 00:09:14.080
and in fact, they said for years over how all

197
00:09:14.080 --> 00:09:16.840
of their friends threw away half the stuff their moms

198
00:09:16.879 --> 00:09:19.559
packed because they didn't pack it and they weren't going

199
00:09:19.639 --> 00:09:21.639
to eat it. So anyway, that was a life lesson

200
00:09:21.679 --> 00:09:25.399
for me in terms of how it benefits me to

201
00:09:25.480 --> 00:09:28.679
let go of control, let go of micromanaging, and where

202
00:09:28.799 --> 00:09:31.799
that is going to add value in my life and

203
00:09:32.000 --> 00:09:32.759
in theirs.

204
00:09:32.960 --> 00:09:36.600
Yeah, definitely, I can totally relate. I'll never forget my daughter.

205
00:09:36.720 --> 00:09:40.120
She's almost eleven, and she's had an interest in cooking,

206
00:09:40.159 --> 00:09:44.960
baking and everything culinary for like years, and she was like,

207
00:09:45.240 --> 00:09:51.600
I don't know, probably between probably around five, and we

208
00:09:51.639 --> 00:09:55.080
watched I was a Food Network show where the kids

209
00:09:55.120 --> 00:09:58.120
were like cooking in competition. It was a kid's competition,

210
00:09:58.240 --> 00:10:02.120
cook and Hill, and I remember them saying I started

211
00:10:02.120 --> 00:10:04.440
cooking when I was four or five, like helping out

212
00:10:04.480 --> 00:10:06.320
in the kitchen. And that's the day I looked at

213
00:10:06.360 --> 00:10:07.799
her and was like, well.

214
00:10:07.840 --> 00:10:08.440
You like this?

215
00:10:08.639 --> 00:10:10.919
Do you want to start helping out? And if I

216
00:10:10.960 --> 00:10:13.240
didn't see that show, it never would across my mind

217
00:10:13.279 --> 00:10:16.720
that kids could start cooking, like obviously with supervision and

218
00:10:16.799 --> 00:10:18.600
things like that and the safety measures in place, but

219
00:10:18.679 --> 00:10:19.240
actually be in.

220
00:10:19.240 --> 00:10:19.960
The kitchen cooking.

221
00:10:20.200 --> 00:10:22.279
That was an interesting moment for me where I started

222
00:10:22.279 --> 00:10:24.960
to kind of expand what I thought the kids could do.

223
00:10:25.120 --> 00:10:29.799
It's interesting you brought up the instrument and situation because

224
00:10:29.840 --> 00:10:32.320
we actually just kind of went through something similar. My

225
00:10:32.399 --> 00:10:35.480
daughter just became of age in their school last year

226
00:10:35.519 --> 00:10:39.159
where they could pick an instrument, and she liked it

227
00:10:39.200 --> 00:10:41.559
at first, and then it sort of started to fizzle out, so,

228
00:10:42.039 --> 00:10:43.440
you know, toward the end of the year, I was like,

229
00:10:43.440 --> 00:10:45.840
you know, is this something you still want to continue?

230
00:10:46.559 --> 00:10:50.000
And she kind of wasn't sure. And my perspective was,

231
00:10:50.519 --> 00:10:53.200
if you don't like it enough that you're willing to

232
00:10:53.240 --> 00:10:57.159
practice fifteen minutes a day, three days a week, maybe

233
00:10:57.159 --> 00:10:59.440
this isn't for you, And that was kind of the

234
00:10:59.480 --> 00:11:02.960
deciding factor that it wasn't for her. Then she came

235
00:11:03.039 --> 00:11:05.960
back to me and was basically, other kids are like,

236
00:11:06.000 --> 00:11:09.399
their parents are making them do this and they don't

237
00:11:09.399 --> 00:11:12.120
want to. So when you mentioned that, that really kind

238
00:11:12.120 --> 00:11:15.200
of resonated because I was, wow, like, I'm actually kind

239
00:11:15.200 --> 00:11:17.399
of seen that a lot, where the parents are like,

240
00:11:17.720 --> 00:11:20.200
you have to do this even though the kids don't

241
00:11:20.240 --> 00:11:23.159
want to, and it's clearly for whatever reasons all and

242
00:11:23.159 --> 00:11:25.720
I'm sure it's different for everyone, but something they're benefiting

243
00:11:25.759 --> 00:11:29.279
from where they want. And so that was really interesting

244
00:11:29.279 --> 00:11:30.879
that you brought that up, because it was something we

245
00:11:30.879 --> 00:11:33.200
were like just experiencing this past school year.

246
00:11:33.480 --> 00:11:36.159
I think it's a little much of a kind of

247
00:11:36.200 --> 00:11:38.879
conundrum now that my kids are older, they do regret

248
00:11:38.879 --> 00:11:41.440
that they didn't stick with piano or any of the instruments. Okay,

249
00:11:41.440 --> 00:11:46.159
so there is a fine line between being controlling and parenting,

250
00:11:46.200 --> 00:11:47.399
and I know we're going to kind of get to

251
00:11:47.440 --> 00:11:50.200
that down the line here in our podcast. The fine

252
00:11:50.240 --> 00:11:55.080
line is when do I encourage? When does encouragement become control? Right,

253
00:11:55.320 --> 00:11:58.879
And we have to really be able to step back,

254
00:11:58.919 --> 00:12:00.600
and you know, we'll get into to some of those

255
00:12:00.639 --> 00:12:03.840
signs here in a bit. But it's interesting that, you know,

256
00:12:03.919 --> 00:12:05.919
kids have been given the choice, they don't always want

257
00:12:05.960 --> 00:12:08.879
to do things, So we do have to encourage, We

258
00:12:08.919 --> 00:12:11.240
do have to provide the kind of that leadership role

259
00:12:11.919 --> 00:12:14.679
and be a facilitator because we do know that down

260
00:12:14.720 --> 00:12:16.399
the line it's going to beneficial for them to be

261
00:12:16.440 --> 00:12:17.799
able to sit down and go play a piano or

262
00:12:17.840 --> 00:12:20.320
pick up a guitar or saxophone or whatever event or

263
00:12:20.360 --> 00:12:23.039
activity we're talking about. But it also is important to

264
00:12:23.120 --> 00:12:26.360
zoom out and listen to the kids and understand what's

265
00:12:26.399 --> 00:12:28.960
my skin in this game, and that's going to kind

266
00:12:29.000 --> 00:12:32.200
of help you delineate whether it's a controlling and hovering

267
00:12:32.240 --> 00:12:36.320
moment or whether it's an encouraging moment. Overparenting and you know,

268
00:12:36.399 --> 00:12:39.919
being controlling will wear a lot of disguises. So there's

269
00:12:39.919 --> 00:12:42.759
a checklist that I like to run parents through to

270
00:12:42.799 --> 00:12:46.159
help them identify when it's control or whether it's being

271
00:12:46.279 --> 00:12:49.000
a good parent. One of the questions you can ask

272
00:12:49.039 --> 00:12:51.840
yourself is do you always need to be right? I

273
00:12:51.879 --> 00:12:55.120
will admit that was my weakness. I'm type A, I'm

274
00:12:55.120 --> 00:12:58.759
an entrepreneur, i make all my own decisions. I'm very empowered.

275
00:12:59.120 --> 00:13:01.320
It's not like I need to be right, but I

276
00:13:01.360 --> 00:13:03.679
did feel that. Of course, they're little kids, I'm going

277
00:13:03.759 --> 00:13:05.600
to be right more than I'm wrong. You would have

278
00:13:05.639 --> 00:13:08.799
to really get it, check yourself and say who cares right?

279
00:13:08.960 --> 00:13:11.480
Let it flow. We don't have to.

280
00:13:11.840 --> 00:13:14.120
We don't have to insert ourselves and the kids that's

281
00:13:14.159 --> 00:13:18.159
the only way they learn is if we don't insert ourselves. Also,

282
00:13:18.279 --> 00:13:20.840
do you have a need to say I told you so,

283
00:13:21.159 --> 00:13:24.559
even if it's just in your head? They admit, you know, yes, yes,

284
00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:27.159
that does feel good. You know there are times that

285
00:13:27.320 --> 00:13:28.720
E didn't say it out loud now, but now my

286
00:13:28.799 --> 00:13:31.799
kids are older, so I'm okay. I mean we laugh

287
00:13:31.840 --> 00:13:34.000
about it, but you know, are you thinking to you something? Yeah,

288
00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:36.879
I told you again that skin in the game. We

289
00:13:37.559 --> 00:13:40.919
need to sort of self check and say, is this

290
00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:44.399
is this helping or hurting? Do you swoop in and

291
00:13:44.759 --> 00:13:46.759
try to take care of things before your child can

292
00:13:46.799 --> 00:13:47.679
struggle or fail?

293
00:13:48.080 --> 00:13:50.279
If so, that could be an ego thing talking. That

294
00:13:50.279 --> 00:13:51.679
could be you not money to be.

295
00:13:51.720 --> 00:13:55.279
Judged, or that's masquerading as good parenting because you were

296
00:13:55.320 --> 00:13:59.200
there to help, but it's actually a controlling maneuver on

297
00:13:59.240 --> 00:14:01.960
your part. Kids get a little older, are you emailing

298
00:14:02.000 --> 00:14:05.440
the coach about playtime or are you rewriting your kid's

299
00:14:05.600 --> 00:14:08.000
essays so they don't fail. The older the kids get,

300
00:14:08.080 --> 00:14:10.039
I have found the higher of the stakes when they're

301
00:14:10.120 --> 00:14:11.919
little and they're tying their shoe or they're not wearing

302
00:14:11.960 --> 00:14:13.879
their coat and you're telling they have to wear the coat.

303
00:14:13.919 --> 00:14:16.320
Yeah, it's good to start learning to pull back at

304
00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:17.559
that time and at those ages.

305
00:14:17.600 --> 00:14:20.919
But by the time these kids are preteens, if you

306
00:14:20.960 --> 00:14:24.480
have not learned to stop your hovering or stop the

307
00:14:24.519 --> 00:14:28.080
overparenting or or your involvement is really going to boomerang

308
00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:30.600
on you. But your kid is going to lose credibility

309
00:14:30.600 --> 00:14:33.320
with the coach. Your teacher knows what your child's capable of.

310
00:14:33.399 --> 00:14:35.720
If all of a sudden there's this fantastic essay written.

311
00:14:35.840 --> 00:14:38.120
It's your hand. You know it's not doing your child

312
00:14:38.120 --> 00:14:41.000
any favor. So those are some of the ways that

313
00:14:41.039 --> 00:14:43.600
we can sort of self check. Are you involved in

314
00:14:43.679 --> 00:14:47.200
every daily moment and the outcome of those moments, and

315
00:14:47.480 --> 00:14:50.039
if you are, one of the side effects of that

316
00:14:50.200 --> 00:14:53.080
is that it drives your kids to lie to you.

317
00:14:53.320 --> 00:14:56.840
So why does your overparenting, you're controlling drive your kids

318
00:14:56.879 --> 00:15:00.320
to lie? Well, because the only way that it's child

319
00:15:00.320 --> 00:15:03.080
can create space to make their own decisions is to

320
00:15:03.240 --> 00:15:06.360
lie and tell us what they think the right answer is.

321
00:15:06.440 --> 00:15:10.120
When we're controlling, we've got a tinge of judgment. We're

322
00:15:10.159 --> 00:15:12.240
implying that there is a right answer, and the right

323
00:15:12.279 --> 00:15:14.960
answer is what we think. The child is not going

324
00:15:15.000 --> 00:15:17.399
to sort of get in touch with what they feel

325
00:15:17.440 --> 00:15:20.120
and what their thoughts are. They're just going to give

326
00:15:20.159 --> 00:15:22.360
you a mime of what it is they think you

327
00:15:22.440 --> 00:15:25.080
want to hear and what you're looking for. But they're

328
00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:28.399
not deep diving into what they think and feel and

329
00:15:28.399 --> 00:15:31.679
they're not formulating their own thoughts. I can recall a

330
00:15:31.759 --> 00:15:35.000
time when my mom back in the eighties seventies, we

331
00:15:35.000 --> 00:15:38.120
were grounded, we were punished, and I lied to my

332
00:15:38.200 --> 00:15:41.159
mom all the time, and I really sat with myself

333
00:15:41.159 --> 00:15:43.639
and decided, why am I doing that? Why did I

334
00:15:43.720 --> 00:15:45.679
lie to my mom? Because I don't want my kids

335
00:15:45.720 --> 00:15:47.919
to feel like they have to lie to me. Her

336
00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:51.720
grip was so tight at that time, just really micromanaging me,

337
00:15:51.840 --> 00:15:54.120
and I've really felt under a microscope and it really

338
00:15:54.120 --> 00:15:56.679
didn't leave any room for honesty. Right. Lying to me

339
00:15:56.840 --> 00:15:59.960
was just about trying to claim some sliver of independence

340
00:16:00.039 --> 00:16:03.320
and to back away from the glare of her judgment.

341
00:16:03.559 --> 00:16:05.279
And you know, I'll tell her what she wants to hear,

342
00:16:05.360 --> 00:16:07.480
so she'll just go away, and then I'll do.

343
00:16:07.480 --> 00:16:09.240
What I want to do when she's not looking right.

344
00:16:09.360 --> 00:16:12.320
So, like you know, when our kids feel that they

345
00:16:12.360 --> 00:16:16.879
can't make mistakes, they'll either rebel or they'll become people pleasers.

346
00:16:16.960 --> 00:16:18.639
And I don't think we want to raise either one

347
00:16:18.639 --> 00:16:19.799
of those types of kids, right.

348
00:16:19.840 --> 00:16:21.120
We want kids to get.

349
00:16:20.960 --> 00:16:24.639
In touch with their inner selves and make satisfying choices

350
00:16:24.759 --> 00:16:28.879
within our boundaries and learning from their own mistakes to

351
00:16:28.879 --> 00:16:32.480
build their own wisdom beyond their years. Here's the shift

352
00:16:32.600 --> 00:16:34.600
on how to start letting go. And this is where

353
00:16:34.639 --> 00:16:36.600
I did some work on myself and how I was

354
00:16:36.639 --> 00:16:39.440
able to finally let go. And if this podcast this

355
00:16:39.559 --> 00:16:42.840
topic is resonating for you, remember that letting go of

356
00:16:42.840 --> 00:16:46.759
control is not about giving up your authority. You're stepping

357
00:16:46.840 --> 00:16:49.360
into more of a leadership role, which is exactly what

358
00:16:49.440 --> 00:16:51.759
your kids need from you. So you're moving from more

359
00:16:51.799 --> 00:16:56.279
of an overparenting situation to being a facilitator who helps

360
00:16:56.320 --> 00:16:59.600
their child discover their own way, but yet just with

361
00:16:59.639 --> 00:17:02.440
your life guidance. So when I'm working with parents and

362
00:17:02.480 --> 00:17:05.839
workshops or we're working through coaching, one of the places

363
00:17:05.839 --> 00:17:08.440
that we start is that as parents, our job is

364
00:17:08.480 --> 00:17:11.880
to provide structure, not a script. So we don't want

365
00:17:11.880 --> 00:17:13.519
to tell them what to think and how to feel.

366
00:17:13.640 --> 00:17:16.920
We're just providing the structure, but we're not telling them how.

367
00:17:16.839 --> 00:17:19.559
To solve it. So as a parent, it's also very.

368
00:17:19.519 --> 00:17:21.680
Important for us to trust ourselves, which is why I

369
00:17:21.720 --> 00:17:24.279
put that in the title of this episode, because a

370
00:17:24.319 --> 00:17:27.240
lot of times we're living in fear or we're parenting

371
00:17:27.279 --> 00:17:29.160
in fear, and we're not really trusting our gut, we're

372
00:17:29.160 --> 00:17:31.799
not listening to ourselves and listening to the child and

373
00:17:31.880 --> 00:17:35.960
really relying on that to guide us. When we trust ourselves,

374
00:17:36.119 --> 00:17:40.440
our children learn to trust themselves. We're setting clear boundaries,

375
00:17:40.480 --> 00:17:43.799
but we're giving them freedom within those boundaries, and a

376
00:17:43.839 --> 00:17:47.920
little helpful saying remontra is to ask yourself, am I

377
00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:51.720
helping or am I hovering? When we stop controlling and hovering,

378
00:17:51.799 --> 00:17:53.960
and when we zoom out and let our kids try

379
00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:55.680
to make some of their own decisions and their own

380
00:17:55.720 --> 00:17:58.480
mistakes and fail, here's some of the things that the

381
00:17:58.559 --> 00:18:01.440
kids can start doing on their own without our involvement.

382
00:18:01.839 --> 00:18:03.839
They can make their own lunch, like we talked about.

383
00:18:04.240 --> 00:18:06.279
They can pick their own outfit, no matter how silly,

384
00:18:06.319 --> 00:18:10.000
no matter how ridiculous. I can remember my son fourth

385
00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:13.440
grade wearing a cowboy hat, camo, cowboy boots, you know,

386
00:18:13.480 --> 00:18:17.200
whatever he felt like putting on he wore and oh wow,

387
00:18:17.319 --> 00:18:18.839
like wait did he walk holler that day?

388
00:18:18.880 --> 00:18:20.359
So I just you know, you let it go, you

389
00:18:20.400 --> 00:18:23.559
smile and wave, let them choose their friends.

390
00:18:23.880 --> 00:18:26.599
I can remember one of my kids having a friend

391
00:18:26.599 --> 00:18:31.480
who checked every box on what a dangerous friend would be.

392
00:18:31.920 --> 00:18:33.880

Sue Donnellan

As a mother who has balanced raising four kids (including triplets) with a full-time business and a husband who deployed to combat five times, I fully understand the demands on parents to successfully manage a busy family life. The steep learning curve of going from one to four children almost instantly kickstarted my methods for nurturing four unique individuals. My no-nonsense, judgement-free parenting style created an environment of freedom, flexibility and self-initiated learning for our kids. After twenty years in the trenches, parenting four happy, prosperous people, there is much to share that will make the entire process stress-free, effective and fun.

Randee Moore

Randee Moore is a mom of two, a copywriter and marketing strategist who’s obsessed with learning and personal growth. With a background in psychology, she’s passionate about exploring research based ways to parent with purpose and intention. She runs on caffeine, recharges in nature, and never leaves home without a good book.

Related to this Episode

Am I Helping or Hovering?: A Question That Will Change Your Parenting

Parenting is a journey filled with love, joy, and countless decisions. We all want to do what’s best for our children, but sometimes, our desire to protect and guide them can inadvertently lead us down a path of over-involvement. In this blog …