June 25, 2025
Mom Guilt is Lying on The Ask Mom Podcast with Sue Donnellan
Sue Donnellan shares how Mom Guilt is Lying to You - Here's How to Shut it Down In this raw and real episode, we’re unpacking one of the most toxic emotions moms carry: guilt.
Mom Guilt is Lying to You - Here's How to Shut it Down
In this raw and real episode, we’re unpacking one of the most toxic emotions moms carry: guilt. Spoiler alert - guilt feels useful, but it’s actually hijacking your parenting, sabotaging your credibility, and weakening your connection with your kids.
We break down how to spot guilt in action, how it messes with your authority, and why it’s time to stop letting it drive your decisions.
You’ll learn the 4 categories of guilt, what to do when guilt creeps in, and how to parent with intention—not from a place of shame, regret, or people-pleasing.
“Guilt is a wasted emotion. Its only strength is deception…and you’re too damn strong to fall for it.”
What We Talk About:
· Why mom guilt is so common—and so destructive
· How guilt leads to overcompensating, flip-flopping, and emotional parenting
· The four categories of guilt and how to identify which one’s creeping in
· Why second-guessing yourself weakens your parenting power
· What it means to release guilt without losing accountability
· Practical mindset shifts and reset phrases you can use immediately
· How to stop guilt from living rent-free in your mind
· What to say when you’ve made a mistake—and how to move on fast
Tools You’ll Walk Away With:
· “I made a thoughtful decision, not a perfect one. That’s enough.”
· A guilt reset phrase you can use on repeat
· A new question to ask yourself when you’re spiraling: “Is this guilt mine—or did I absorb it?”
· A better way to model emotional resilience to your kids
· How to draw a hard boundary around your energy and stop the guilt cycle before it starts
One-Liner to Remember:
Guilt is not a parenting strategy. It’s a distraction dressed up as concern.
🔗 Links & Resources:
· Free Facebook Group: Yell-Free Parenting for Exhausted Moms
· Sue’s Book: Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a F^ck
· Want 1-on-1 coaching? Book here
· Get Sue’s Weekly Newsletter: Subscribe now
Thanks for listening! Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with a mom who needs to hear it.
Please support UnsilencedVoices.org a global 501(c)3 nonprofit that empowers survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking.
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She is, praise, pray, she is, she is you.
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You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on
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the Word of Mom Media Network. Hi, this is the
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Ask Mom podcast Because parenting is everything. I'm Sue and
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with me is Randy, and this is your no bullshit,
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no filter, and zero guilt parenting reboot. Whether you're deep
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in the toddler tantrums, navigating tween teen drama, or somewhere
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in between, you'll get clarity and actionable tools one episode
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at a time. Today's episode is Mom. Guilt is lying
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to you, so stop listening to it. Let's start with
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what guilt's power grip is on you, So pack your bags.
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We're going on a guilt trip today. Let's talk about
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the wasted emotion that keeps moms stuck small and second guessing.
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They're every decision and that is guilt. It feels productive,
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but guilt is actually sabotaging your parenting. In this episode,
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we'll talk about four categories of guilt, how to stop
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absorbed it, and how to stop letting guilt lie to
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you by understanding that it has zero place in your life. So,
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how is guilt hijacking your parenting? When I'm coaching moms,
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and I've been working with families, hundreds of families over
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the last twenty years. I noticed that moms tend to
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absorb and have guilt more than meant for whatever reason.
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But I think I've identified that reason is that moms
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seem to be making more decisions, maybe two to three
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times as many decisions a day, and they tend to
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just by the shear numbers, they're second guessing their decisions
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more often. Every day is a parent is a new day,
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so we're experiencing something new for the first time, and
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it's very easy to have guilt creep in and second
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guess what we're citing for our kids. So, moms, you're
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not broken for feeling guilty. It's almost a rite of passage.
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We've all been there. But to be honest, how productive
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is ruminating and second guessing the what ifs? The shaddow
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would it could h The rumination does not solve a
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single thing. Guilt can make you appear to be a
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weaker parent because if your decisions are getting hijacked by
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your kids, then you just keep second guessing yourself. Your
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child wonders what you stand for. Kids are smart and
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if they see that you have guilt and second guessing
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over your decisions. They think that what you're deciding is
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open for negotiations, so they're going to take advantage of that.
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Some other ways that guilt will weaken your messaging as
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a parent is that guilt will drive emotionally based parenting
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instead of clear leadership from you. Guilt traps you in
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a process of people pleasing or overcompensating behaviors, all of
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which undermine your credibility with your kids. Guilt will create
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a toxic cycle of decision regret, than shame and doubt, rinse, repeat, right,
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So we're in a toxic cycle of every time we
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make a decision, we second guess that and then we
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change our mind and we just look weaker as a parent,
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and our kids can sniff that out. How do you
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think that guilt could be hurting your connection with your child?
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Something you said that found very interesting is that you
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mentioned toxic cycle. And I definitely want to know your
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take on this as well, because I think it's very
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easy Because you said sniff kids can sniff this out,
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and I actually have wondered if doing enough of this,
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you're actually creating a toxic cycle, Like so for example, kids,
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sometimes I wonder if are they creating situations because if
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they know on the back and they're going to get
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something out of it the next day, it makes me
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kind of wonder because I have actually questioned that with
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one of my kids smart enough to know it's hard
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sometimes you can't really tell, but I have wondered and
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just was wondering, like what your thoughts on that are
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we creating these patterns in behavior? And they could be
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conscious or unconscious, but I wondered, if you know this,
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if it's driving the kids behavior to do something knowing
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they might get something on the back end, if a
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parent is overcome things saving.
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Well, absolutely, That's why I say that you know, when
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you are prone to guilt and sick and guessing yourself,
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that is very easily identifiable by the kids. Yes, smart
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kids are going to they're like, you know, they smell
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the blood in the water. And if they think that
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you're second guessing yourself. And when I said earlier that
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moms tend to make two to three times more decisions
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in a day than a dad, especially if we're home
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and we're second guessing ourselves, we're thinking that the kids,
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you know, we're nurturers. Right, So if we're nurturers and
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we're trying to be open minded and we're trying to
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be collaborative, sometimes that can be taken as guilty thoughts.
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But if we are ruminating and we are overthinking what
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we decided, or kids are feeling like they can exploit
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our kindness and we're willing to go back on what
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we said, then yeah, that weakens you as a parent.
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It weakens your credibility. They think they can negotiate with you,
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and none of that equals leadership parenting. That equals boundary
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setting and consistency.
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Yeah, And I know for me, whenever I do things
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out of guilt, it always seems to snowball. And I
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think it depends on how guilty you feel, what your
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level of guilt might be. But a heavy guilt can
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easily snowball from one thing to another to another, and
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the next thing, I know, I'm resenting the whole situation.
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But then deep down, I know this is a me issue.
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This is something I did to myself, So I mean,
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I know from experience it can only complicate situations. And actually,
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I think it just distracts people from taking action to
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just not repeat the behavior that might have caused someone
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to feel guilty in the first place.
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Sure, exactly. I agree.
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There's so many factors that go into feeling guilty, and
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I think it can really be nuanced. And you pointed
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out in your book that there are four major categories
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of guilt. Can you talk a little bit more about that, really?
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Yeah, after parenting my own four kids and working with
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lots of moms, lots of families, I have identified that
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there are there are four categories of guilt. Okay, there
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are four places where guilt lives. Number one is the
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self inflicted guilt. That's the inner voice that you allow
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to tell you that you're failing. The second guessing, it's
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the part that shakes your confidence every time you make
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a decision, you wonder was that the right decision. So
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that's the self inflicted that's coming from a place of
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inside you. And then number two is the guilt that
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you put on your kids. After all I do for you,
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if you love me, you'd come home on time. You
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know that type of patterning, or maybe you were raised
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with that, and now you use that as a crutch
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or a tool. So you're using guilt to get an
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action from somebody, whether it's your kids, or your spouse,
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or you know friends. Either way, it's a pattern that
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is not a healthy one that you want to be
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aware of. The third category is the guilt from your kids.
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That this is the type of guilt that if you're
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allowing tantrums an emotional manipulation to trigger your own shame
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because it's happening and you're not stopping it. This is
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where your kids are now exploiting you, right, They're hijacking
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your decisions because they've sniffed that you are for sale
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or that your decisions don't stand. So that's the guilt
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that you're allowing your kids to put onto you. And
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then the final category is societal guilt. Are you prone
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to being an Instagram perfect mom? Are you prone to
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taking unsolicited opinions from friends and family that you allow
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to seep in and affect how you parent because you're
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not finding your own inner voice? Is that guilt affecting
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your parenting as well? These four categories are just really
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about awareness. And notice the consistent messaging that I'm using
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in each description of the categories, which is you're allowing
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guilt is very much like you said earlier, it's very
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much put on all from you. So when you're aware
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of the self inflicted guilt, the guilt from your family,
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that you're allowing other people to give you, from society,
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these are all things that are non their emotion. But
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they're not emotion. They're not they're not solving a single problem, right,
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So if you're allowing this to happen and you're allowing
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it to seep in and affect the decisions that you're making,
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I say, if you can name it, you can change it.
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Guilt is one of the most insidious emotions and counterproductive
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feelings that every parent, especially moms that I work with,
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have that are problematic in their parenting and problematic in
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them being taken seriously as leaders, and that are problematic
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in them not being able to create boundaries. So it
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starts with we spend several sessions sometimes just getting moms
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to understand how guilt, What is guilt, How is it
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affecting them, what are the patterns in their life? How
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is it manifesting in their decision making? And I start
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off by saying, if you can name it, you can
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change it. So the first thing is to say, yes,
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I'm taking on guilt I'm allowing guilt, And here's where
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that's the number one thing. One of the funny parts
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about guilt is I get a lot of moms that say,
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you seem to have a very clear cut boundary on guilt,
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and it's like, well, I have not let guilt have
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a place in my life. So when someone tells me
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I'm allowing something, I'm going to take a look at
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that and be practical about it and say, how can
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I put the boundary around this and not let guilt
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seep in. There's quite a few ideas and actionable tools
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that I have that we'll talk about. But the number
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one thing that how do I not let guilt have
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a place in my life? That I've learned and I've
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trained myself with is that I never second guess a
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decision once I've made it. So if i feel like
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there's been intention and love behind my decision and I'm
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dealing with the best possible information that I had at
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the time, I'm not second guessing it. I'm moving on.
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I'm running a business, I'm running a family of six people.
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I don't have time to ruminate. I'm going to have
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a clear boundary that I made the decision, and I
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love myself enough to go. Once I've made my decision,
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that's my final decision. Now, if I find that I
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made a mistake on that decision, I will simply apologize
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and then I'll move on quickly. I'll just tell myself
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I'll do better tomorrow. The lesson has been learned. That's it.
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It's very clear boundary. So three ways that I don't
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allow guilt to come into my life. Don't second guess
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my decision. I give myself the benefit that I made
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the best decision I could at the time. Number two,
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if I make a mistake, I apologize and I pivot quickly.
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And then number three, I make an intentional effort to
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not live a life of regret. So that sounds like
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just words like I make an intentional effort. You know
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those aren't words. What it is is it I've decided, right,
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it's a decision up front that I'm making, And that's
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how we create discipline. That's how we create real change
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in our lives. And since guilt is such a difficult,
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insidious habit for us to kick, I feel like some
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of these boundary setting tools can be and have been
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very helpful to the parents that I work with. If
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I've given thought and care into making a decision, I
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know that my intention is pure. I give myself that permission,
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and I feel like if I made a mistake, it's
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a learning experience. I'll do better tomorrow. That's how I
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think of it. Another guiding thought that has been helpful
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and grounding for parents is to shift the question stop
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asking did I do the right thing, and start asking
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did I act with intention? If you did act with intention,
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with the best information that you had, then that's the
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right decision and that's what was right for you. You
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must let the rest go. This mindset works because guilt
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thrives on hindsight, and hindsight is about perfectionism. If I'm
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thinking about the past, I'm thinking I should have what
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it could I needed to be perfect, I needed to
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redo that decision. I'm again second guessing that decision. That's
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about perfectionism. But intention. If I'm thinking about saying that
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my intention was pure and it was coming from love,
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and it was the best information I had at the time,
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intention is rooted in the present, so it's it's unarguable,
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it's unshameable. My moment is what I have complete control
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over right now, right. So if I'm thinking in the
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past or hindsight, I'm thinking that that is about perfection. No,
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we're letting that go because that's where the guilt lives.
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So when guilty thoughts creep in, I say, I made
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a thoughtful decision, not a perfect one, and that's enough.
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Sometimes just these types of inner thoughts, this inner monologue
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will help us kick that guilt to the curb and
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not allow it to seep in so that we don't
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continue losing credibility. Give yourself permission to release the guilt
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without losing your accountability.
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I think that is really important. Releasing guilt without losing accountability,
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I think is so important. I think it can be
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very easy to constantly tell yourself like I'll do better
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tomorrow and I'll start fresh tomorrow, which I think works great.
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That's actually something that we do in our house. Even
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the kids will say it. If somebody, you know, kind
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of felt like they messed up or made a mistake
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and you know, apologize and then it's like, I'll start
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fresh tomorrow. But I do think, and I've been there,
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there's definitely a fine line. And that's why I liked
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you said really guilt without losing accountability, because there's it's
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