June 25, 2025

Mom Guilt is Lying on The Ask Mom Podcast with Sue Donnellan

Mom Guilt is Lying on The Ask Mom Podcast with Sue Donnellan
Mom Guilt is Lying on The Ask Mom Podcast with Sue Donnellan
Word of Mom Radio
Mom Guilt is Lying on The Ask Mom Podcast with Sue Donnellan

Sue Donnellan shares how Mom Guilt is Lying to You - Here's How to Shut it Down In this raw and real episode, we’re unpacking one of the most toxic emotions moms carry: guilt.

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Mom Guilt is Lying to You - Here's How to Shut it Down
In this raw and real episode, we’re unpacking one of the most toxic emotions moms carry: guilt. Spoiler alert - guilt feels useful, but it’s actually hijacking your parenting, sabotaging your credibility, and weakening your connection with your kids.

We break down how to spot guilt in action, how it messes with your authority, and why it’s time to stop letting it drive your decisions.

You’ll learn the 4 categories of guilt, what to do when guilt creeps in, and how to parent with intention—not from a place of shame, regret, or people-pleasing.

“Guilt is a wasted emotion. Its only strength is deception…and you’re too damn strong to fall for it.”

What We Talk About:
· Why mom guilt is so common—and so destructive
· How guilt leads to overcompensating, flip-flopping, and emotional parenting
· The four categories of guilt and how to identify which one’s creeping in
· Why second-guessing yourself weakens your parenting power
· What it means to release guilt without losing accountability
· Practical mindset shifts and reset phrases you can use immediately
· How to stop guilt from living rent-free in your mind
· What to say when you’ve made a mistake—and how to move on fast
Tools You’ll Walk Away With:
· “I made a thoughtful decision, not a perfect one. That’s enough.”
· A guilt reset phrase you can use on repeat
· A new question to ask yourself when you’re spiraling: “Is this guilt mine—or did I absorb it?”
· A better way to model emotional resilience to your kids
· How to draw a hard boundary around your energy and stop the guilt cycle before it starts

One-Liner to Remember:

Guilt is not a parenting strategy. It’s a distraction dressed up as concern.

🔗 Links & Resources:
· Free Facebook Group: Yell-Free Parenting for Exhausted Moms
· Sue’s Book: Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a F^ck
· Want 1-on-1 coaching? Book here
· Get Sue’s Weekly Newsletter: Subscribe now

Thanks for listening! Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with a mom who needs to hear it.

Please support UnsilencedVoices.org a global 501(c)3 nonprofit that empowers survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking.

We thank Smith Sisters and the Sunday Drivers for our theme song, "She is You".

Be sure to connect with us on BlueSky, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and come tell us your story!

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She is, praise, pray, she is, she is you.

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You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on

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the Word of Mom Media Network. Hi, this is the

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Ask Mom podcast Because parenting is everything. I'm Sue and

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with me is Randy, and this is your no bullshit,

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no filter, and zero guilt parenting reboot. Whether you're deep

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in the toddler tantrums, navigating tween teen drama, or somewhere

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in between, you'll get clarity and actionable tools one episode

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at a time. Today's episode is Mom. Guilt is lying

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to you, so stop listening to it. Let's start with

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what guilt's power grip is on you, So pack your bags.

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We're going on a guilt trip today. Let's talk about

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the wasted emotion that keeps moms stuck small and second guessing.

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They're every decision and that is guilt. It feels productive,

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but guilt is actually sabotaging your parenting. In this episode,

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we'll talk about four categories of guilt, how to stop

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absorbed it, and how to stop letting guilt lie to

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you by understanding that it has zero place in your life. So,

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how is guilt hijacking your parenting? When I'm coaching moms,

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and I've been working with families, hundreds of families over

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the last twenty years. I noticed that moms tend to

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absorb and have guilt more than meant for whatever reason.

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But I think I've identified that reason is that moms

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seem to be making more decisions, maybe two to three

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times as many decisions a day, and they tend to

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just by the shear numbers, they're second guessing their decisions

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more often. Every day is a parent is a new day,

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so we're experiencing something new for the first time, and

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it's very easy to have guilt creep in and second

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guess what we're citing for our kids. So, moms, you're

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not broken for feeling guilty. It's almost a rite of passage.

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We've all been there. But to be honest, how productive

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is ruminating and second guessing the what ifs? The shaddow

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would it could h The rumination does not solve a

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single thing. Guilt can make you appear to be a

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weaker parent because if your decisions are getting hijacked by

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your kids, then you just keep second guessing yourself. Your

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child wonders what you stand for. Kids are smart and

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if they see that you have guilt and second guessing

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over your decisions. They think that what you're deciding is

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open for negotiations, so they're going to take advantage of that.

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Some other ways that guilt will weaken your messaging as

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a parent is that guilt will drive emotionally based parenting

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instead of clear leadership from you. Guilt traps you in

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a process of people pleasing or overcompensating behaviors, all of

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which undermine your credibility with your kids. Guilt will create

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a toxic cycle of decision regret, than shame and doubt, rinse, repeat, right,

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So we're in a toxic cycle of every time we

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make a decision, we second guess that and then we

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change our mind and we just look weaker as a parent,

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and our kids can sniff that out. How do you

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think that guilt could be hurting your connection with your child?

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Something you said that found very interesting is that you

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mentioned toxic cycle. And I definitely want to know your

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take on this as well, because I think it's very

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easy Because you said sniff kids can sniff this out,

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and I actually have wondered if doing enough of this,

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you're actually creating a toxic cycle, Like so for example, kids,

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sometimes I wonder if are they creating situations because if

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they know on the back and they're going to get

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something out of it the next day, it makes me

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kind of wonder because I have actually questioned that with

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one of my kids smart enough to know it's hard

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sometimes you can't really tell, but I have wondered and

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just was wondering, like what your thoughts on that are

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we creating these patterns in behavior? And they could be

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conscious or unconscious, but I wondered, if you know this,

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if it's driving the kids behavior to do something knowing

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they might get something on the back end, if a

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parent is overcome things saving.

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Well, absolutely, That's why I say that you know, when

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you are prone to guilt and sick and guessing yourself,

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that is very easily identifiable by the kids. Yes, smart

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kids are going to they're like, you know, they smell

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the blood in the water. And if they think that

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you're second guessing yourself. And when I said earlier that

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moms tend to make two to three times more decisions

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in a day than a dad, especially if we're home

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and we're second guessing ourselves, we're thinking that the kids,

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you know, we're nurturers. Right, So if we're nurturers and

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we're trying to be open minded and we're trying to

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be collaborative, sometimes that can be taken as guilty thoughts.

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But if we are ruminating and we are overthinking what

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we decided, or kids are feeling like they can exploit

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our kindness and we're willing to go back on what

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we said, then yeah, that weakens you as a parent.

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It weakens your credibility. They think they can negotiate with you,

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and none of that equals leadership parenting. That equals boundary

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setting and consistency.

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Yeah, And I know for me, whenever I do things

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out of guilt, it always seems to snowball. And I

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think it depends on how guilty you feel, what your

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level of guilt might be. But a heavy guilt can

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easily snowball from one thing to another to another, and

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the next thing, I know, I'm resenting the whole situation.

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But then deep down, I know this is a me issue.

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This is something I did to myself, So I mean,

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I know from experience it can only complicate situations. And actually,

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I think it just distracts people from taking action to

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just not repeat the behavior that might have caused someone

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to feel guilty in the first place.

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Sure, exactly. I agree.

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There's so many factors that go into feeling guilty, and

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I think it can really be nuanced. And you pointed

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out in your book that there are four major categories

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of guilt. Can you talk a little bit more about that, really?

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Yeah, after parenting my own four kids and working with

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lots of moms, lots of families, I have identified that

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there are there are four categories of guilt. Okay, there

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are four places where guilt lives. Number one is the

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self inflicted guilt. That's the inner voice that you allow

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to tell you that you're failing. The second guessing, it's

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the part that shakes your confidence every time you make

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a decision, you wonder was that the right decision. So

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that's the self inflicted that's coming from a place of

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inside you. And then number two is the guilt that

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you put on your kids. After all I do for you,

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if you love me, you'd come home on time. You

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know that type of patterning, or maybe you were raised

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with that, and now you use that as a crutch

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or a tool. So you're using guilt to get an

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action from somebody, whether it's your kids, or your spouse,

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or you know friends. Either way, it's a pattern that

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is not a healthy one that you want to be

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aware of. The third category is the guilt from your kids.

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That this is the type of guilt that if you're

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allowing tantrums an emotional manipulation to trigger your own shame

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because it's happening and you're not stopping it. This is

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where your kids are now exploiting you, right, They're hijacking

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your decisions because they've sniffed that you are for sale

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or that your decisions don't stand. So that's the guilt

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that you're allowing your kids to put onto you. And

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then the final category is societal guilt. Are you prone

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to being an Instagram perfect mom? Are you prone to

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taking unsolicited opinions from friends and family that you allow

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to seep in and affect how you parent because you're

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not finding your own inner voice? Is that guilt affecting

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your parenting as well? These four categories are just really

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about awareness. And notice the consistent messaging that I'm using

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in each description of the categories, which is you're allowing

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guilt is very much like you said earlier, it's very

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much put on all from you. So when you're aware

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of the self inflicted guilt, the guilt from your family,

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that you're allowing other people to give you, from society,

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these are all things that are non their emotion. But

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they're not emotion. They're not they're not solving a single problem, right,

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So if you're allowing this to happen and you're allowing

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it to seep in and affect the decisions that you're making,

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I say, if you can name it, you can change it.

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Guilt is one of the most insidious emotions and counterproductive

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feelings that every parent, especially moms that I work with,

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have that are problematic in their parenting and problematic in

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them being taken seriously as leaders, and that are problematic

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in them not being able to create boundaries. So it

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starts with we spend several sessions sometimes just getting moms

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to understand how guilt, What is guilt, How is it

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affecting them, what are the patterns in their life? How

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is it manifesting in their decision making? And I start

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off by saying, if you can name it, you can

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change it. So the first thing is to say, yes,

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I'm taking on guilt I'm allowing guilt, And here's where

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that's the number one thing. One of the funny parts

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about guilt is I get a lot of moms that say,

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you seem to have a very clear cut boundary on guilt,

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and it's like, well, I have not let guilt have

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a place in my life. So when someone tells me

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I'm allowing something, I'm going to take a look at

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that and be practical about it and say, how can

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I put the boundary around this and not let guilt

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seep in. There's quite a few ideas and actionable tools

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that I have that we'll talk about. But the number

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one thing that how do I not let guilt have

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a place in my life? That I've learned and I've

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trained myself with is that I never second guess a

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decision once I've made it. So if i feel like

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there's been intention and love behind my decision and I'm

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dealing with the best possible information that I had at

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the time, I'm not second guessing it. I'm moving on.

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I'm running a business, I'm running a family of six people.

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I don't have time to ruminate. I'm going to have

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a clear boundary that I made the decision, and I

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love myself enough to go. Once I've made my decision,

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that's my final decision. Now, if I find that I

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made a mistake on that decision, I will simply apologize

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and then I'll move on quickly. I'll just tell myself

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I'll do better tomorrow. The lesson has been learned. That's it.

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It's very clear boundary. So three ways that I don't

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allow guilt to come into my life. Don't second guess

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my decision. I give myself the benefit that I made

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the best decision I could at the time. Number two,

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if I make a mistake, I apologize and I pivot quickly.

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And then number three, I make an intentional effort to

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not live a life of regret. So that sounds like

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just words like I make an intentional effort. You know

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those aren't words. What it is is it I've decided, right,

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it's a decision up front that I'm making, And that's

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how we create discipline. That's how we create real change

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in our lives. And since guilt is such a difficult,

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insidious habit for us to kick, I feel like some

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of these boundary setting tools can be and have been

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very helpful to the parents that I work with. If

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I've given thought and care into making a decision, I

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know that my intention is pure. I give myself that permission,

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and I feel like if I made a mistake, it's

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a learning experience. I'll do better tomorrow. That's how I

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think of it. Another guiding thought that has been helpful

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and grounding for parents is to shift the question stop

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asking did I do the right thing, and start asking

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did I act with intention? If you did act with intention,

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with the best information that you had, then that's the

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right decision and that's what was right for you. You

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must let the rest go. This mindset works because guilt

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thrives on hindsight, and hindsight is about perfectionism. If I'm

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thinking about the past, I'm thinking I should have what

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it could I needed to be perfect, I needed to

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redo that decision. I'm again second guessing that decision. That's

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about perfectionism. But intention. If I'm thinking about saying that

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my intention was pure and it was coming from love,

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and it was the best information I had at the time,

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intention is rooted in the present, so it's it's unarguable,

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it's unshameable. My moment is what I have complete control

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over right now, right. So if I'm thinking in the

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past or hindsight, I'm thinking that that is about perfection. No,

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we're letting that go because that's where the guilt lives.

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So when guilty thoughts creep in, I say, I made

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a thoughtful decision, not a perfect one, and that's enough.

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Sometimes just these types of inner thoughts, this inner monologue

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will help us kick that guilt to the curb and

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not allow it to seep in so that we don't

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continue losing credibility. Give yourself permission to release the guilt

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without losing your accountability.

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I think that is really important. Releasing guilt without losing accountability,

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I think is so important. I think it can be

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very easy to constantly tell yourself like I'll do better

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tomorrow and I'll start fresh tomorrow, which I think works great.

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That's actually something that we do in our house. Even

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the kids will say it. If somebody, you know, kind

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of felt like they messed up or made a mistake

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and you know, apologize and then it's like, I'll start

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fresh tomorrow. But I do think, and I've been there,

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there's definitely a fine line. And that's why I liked

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you said really guilt without losing accountability, because there's it's

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a fine line until it becomes an excuse to keep

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repeating a pattern.

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Right, that's great.

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So for me had this happen, if I'm about two

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or three days having the same guilty thoughts, I know

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I need to check in with myself, and that check

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in is like, Okay, what am I doing? And how

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can I make a plan to change it? And nine

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times out of ten it would have been around yelling.

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So you know, and I think probably most moms can

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relate to that.

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Would it be helpful for you with some of these

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inner monologue phrases to try to pivot away from the guilt.

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Would it be helpful for you if you're spending three

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days feeling bad about yelling? Are you able to just

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give your self permission to say, you know, I apologist,

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I made a regrettable decision. I apologize. We're role modeling

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to our kids. We all make mistakes, We're not perfect.

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We're letting the imperfection go because again, imperfection, in hindsight

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is where guilt lives. And what is it helpful for

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you to not spend those three days in that rumination

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phase and to just say I noticed that pattern earlier.

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Instead of three days, I'm going to take it down

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to one day, maybe less than a day, a couple

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of hours. I'm feeling bad about yelling? What can I do?

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How do I get this off my chest? What can

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I do? I can apologize and pivot and go less

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and learned. When I'm tired, I yell more quickly. So

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how do we stop that guilt from affecting because maybe

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three days of your guilt is again making your credibility

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lost because you're maybe being overkind or letting the kids

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walk TV longer, or what are you doing that's affecting

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your parenting during those three days?

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Yeah, exactly. That's why I love some of the intern

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shifts that we could start saying to ourselves, because I

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do think you almost have to be proactive about it.

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That's why it was very interesting you mentioned it as

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a habit, and I think so if that's the case,

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it's just as easy to undo the habit. But it's

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going to take intention when you wake up in the morning,

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reminding yourself so that when you get to that point,

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you have these phrases already kind of in your mind

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that are your go to phrases, and I think just

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reminding yourself, setting the intention maybe even that morning if

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something's a problem, Okay, the next morning, I'm going to

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wake up and I'm not going to yell today. And

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these are the ways I can be proactive to not

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do that, because I think everyone has. You know, you

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can have the day where it's like a one off

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and the same pattern is repeating itself and it's one

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that makes you feel guilty. I think that's a nice

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clue to be more proactive.

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Yeah, I think that One of the things that I

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have found helpful in the coaching one on one with

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parents is applying a practical lens to guilt, because guilt

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is so emotion based and unproductive. It is literally a

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wasted emotion. It's an emotion that we don't even need

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to acknowledge. The way that I've been able to help

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parents let that go is through applying a more practical

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lens to guilt. Again, my biggest foundational method of parenting

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is this parenting in advance, Like, how do we decide upfront?

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First of all, it's like any bad habit, we have

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to acknowledge the bad habit. So we have to acknowledge

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that we are spending time second guessing ourselves. Then we

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have to acknowledge how detrimental it is to us and

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our parenting. So it's detrimental why because we lose credibility

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with our kids. And if you're doing guilt with your kids,

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you're doing it with your spouse, your partner, your family,

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maybe people at work. It's lessening and weakening your voice,

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your confidence, your credibility, and those are things that are

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counterproductive in our lives across the board. So once we

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see that, that's we put it in a box. We

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look at that emotion as counterproductive, We acknowledge it's not

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serving us as a parent. We apply that practical lens there,

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and now we are able to decide up front, I'm

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not allowing it. I'm in charge. If I'm allowing this

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to creep in and make me second guessed by my kids,

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oh no, Like i don't know about you. But if

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I'm finding out that I'm doing something that weakens me

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and my voice and my confidence and my leadership with

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my kids, I'm pivoting. I'm done. So sometimes it's just

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calling attention to how guilt is affecting your parenting and

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how it is actually being applied in your life. Just

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acknowledge it, and now we can think practically about it

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in my coaching. In my book, I do have some

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additional practical ways to actually let go of guilt in

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real life. So these are some practical ideas that can

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be applied. They're mindset shifts, they're helpful whichever one might

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resonate with you. But first you want to identify when

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the guilt kicks in. Is it when your child is upset?

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When do you feel guilt it your child's upset and

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you want to fix it. Or is it when you

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feel compared or comparing yourself to others? Again, we get

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back to the four categories of guilt society. Is it

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the guilt your child is putting on you because he's upset?

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Is it when family visits? Are you revisiting guilt because

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of the family patterns that you were raised with? Number one, acknowledge,

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acknowledge and identify it. Notice your overcompensating behaviors. Are you

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changing your mind a lot? If so, your kids don't

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know what ends up. Now you're yelling and you're upset.

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Your kids aren't listening. But let's back that up and

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realize that it's guilt. Your guilty feelings in your lack

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of consistency is creating your kids to not listen to

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you because they know that it's going to change because

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you're busy beating yourself up. Right, remind yourself that guilt

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is a message. It's not a plan. We can change

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messaging at any moment, so it's not a plan of action.

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It's a message, and it's emotional message, and it's meaningless.

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And then recalibrate what your conversation is. Apologize if needed,

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but don't make in the mistake. That's just not solving

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anything right. So start fresh the next day, because that's

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what real growth looks like. If we're listening to this podcast,

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you're reading parenting books, you want to be a better parent.

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This is about growth, This is about learning. Start fresh

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the next day. Next day is a new day, and

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that's what growth looks like. Just remind yourself of that.

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Since guilt can be so embedded in us, it takes

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time and awareness to stop listening to it, some additional

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actionable tools to let it go for good. Remember that

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it's not your job to keep your kid happy, it's

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to raise someone who can handle difficult things. Right, So

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lose the guilt, but keep the lesson and move on.

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Give guilt a job and then fire it. This is

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one of the things that I've talked to with some

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of my moms in my workshops. Guilt thinks it's helpful

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by learning you to a mistake, but it doesn't know

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when to shelter up. So acknowledge it like a bad employee,

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and then fire it. It's up right, Give guilt a

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job and then fire it.

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I love that.

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Yeah, tell yourself thanks for the alert, guilt, but the

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message you received and you're no longer needed here. Another

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idea that I've used in workshops is to create a

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guilt reset phrase. Huge fan of mantras because it's a

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quick little sentence that resonates with me and then it

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redirects me quickly. And I love reset phrases and mantras.

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But you can do like rehearsed phrase that creates muscle

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memory and that stops the shame spiral. So you can

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teach your brain a new cue. You can say, I've

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decided that I forgive myself faster than I used to.

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If that is what your problem is, that you're using

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guilt and your confidence is shook because you're ruminating again

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and guilt and second guessing yourself. Just decide. It's up

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to you to decide. No one else can decide this

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for you, but it's up to you to decide. I

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forgive myself faster than I used to, all right, I

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can also decide that I'm growing, and that's what matters.

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I'm changing an ever changing landscape. I'm a parent doing

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the best I can. So I'm growing and that's what

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matters here. Another one is that I've decided to lead

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with love, not regret, because regret again is another wasted

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emotion like guilt. I am a leader in my family.

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I create the culture of my home. Guilt does not

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serve me or anyone in my family. I lead with love.

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And the last little actionable tip that I've used that

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seems to resonate with moms the most is name the source.

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Is this guilt mine? Or did I absorb it? A

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lot of guilt isn't even ours. It's inherited, or it's projected,

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or it's socially planted. Naming this source strips its power.

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You can ask yourself, whose guilt am I carrying right now?

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And do I even believe it. This gives you permission

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to kick out the guilt and parent from your own values,

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not from someone else's voice. Guilt again, just to recap,

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is a wasted emotion. It's only strength is deception, and

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starting today, you're too damn strong to fall for it.

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If this episode stirred something in you, let that be

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your cue that you are no longer parenting from a

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position of guilt. You're here to show up with clarity,

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intention and zero shame. Let that linger and let guilt go.

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Thank you for listening today. We're so happy to have you,

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and if you would like to get some more information,

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you can visit My website is askmomparenting dot com. It's

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00:22:25.599 --> 00:22:28.440
also ask mom Parenting on Instagram and Facebook. I have

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a Yell Free Parenting group a private group on Facebook

417
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Yell Free Parenting. I do posts every day. I have

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a lot of great content in there that you're able

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to join. Have a book, Secrets to Parenting Without Giving

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a Fuck. It's on Amazon. I look forward to talking

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with you next time, and feel free to reach out

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in any way if you have questions or to have

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topics that you want to hear about. Thanks again, and

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we'll see you next time.

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She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, she

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is straw, she is true, is true, she is brave,

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she is bold, she is you.

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She is she is, she.

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00:23:08.839 --> 00:23:11.680
Is sure, she is she is strong, she is strong,

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00:23:11.759 --> 00:23:17.319
she is true, is true, she is brave, she is bold,

431
00:23:17.319 --> 00:23:21.920
she she is you, she is she is she sure

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of herself. Yeah, she takes care of it. Powerful and strong. Yes,

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00:23:26.240 --> 00:23:26.960
she knows who.

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She is, has integrity, woman, strong and true. You know

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00:23:31.240 --> 00:23:33.480
her by name. See this woman is you.

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00:23:33.799 --> 00:23:37.720
She is sure, she is strong, is strong, she is true,

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00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:43.400
is true, she is brave, she is she is, she

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00:23:43.640 --> 00:23:47.319
is you, she is she is, she is sure, she

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00:23:48.279 --> 00:23:53.039
is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she

440
00:23:53.160 --> 00:23:56.640
is brave, she is she is she is you.

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She is you. She adds value and hope, has proved

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to be brave.

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See it's never too late, never time to behave reaching

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for dreams doesn't matter.

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The age believes in herself, unleashed from her cage.

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She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, is strong,

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00:24:15.079 --> 00:24:20.759
she is true, is true, she is brave, she is bold,

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she is you, she is she is, she is sure,

449
00:24:25.640 --> 00:24:28.759
she is she is strong, she is strong, she is true,

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is true, she is brave, she is she is you.
Sue Donnellan Profile Photo

As a mother who has balanced raising four kids (including triplets) with a full-time business and a husband who deployed to combat five times, I fully understand the demands on parents to successfully manage a busy family life. The steep learning curve of going from one to four children almost instantly kickstarted my methods for nurturing four unique individuals. My no-nonsense, judgement-free parenting style created an environment of freedom, flexibility and self-initiated learning for our kids. After twenty years in the trenches, parenting four happy, prosperous people, there is much to share that will make the entire process stress-free, effective and fun.

Randee Moore Profile Photo

Randee Moore is a mom of two, a copywriter and marketing strategist who’s obsessed with learning and personal growth. With a background in psychology, she’s passionate about exploring research based ways to parent with purpose and intention. She runs on caffeine, recharges in nature, and never leaves home without a good book.