Mom Guilt is Lying on The Ask Mom Podcast with Sue Donnellan

0:01 She is, praise, pray, she is, she is you. You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on the Word of Mom Media Network. Hi, this is the Ask Mom podcast Because parenting is everything. I'm Sue and with me is Randy, and this is your no bullshit, no filter, and zero guilt parenting reboot. Whether you're deep in the toddler tantrums, navigating tween teen drama, or somewhere in between, you'll get clarity and actionable tools one episode at a time. Today's episode is Mom. Guilt is lying to you, so stop listening to it. Let's start with what guilt's power grip is on you, So pack your bags. We're going on a guilt trip today. Let's talk about the wasted emotion that keeps moms stuck small and second guessing.

0:48 They're every decision and that is guilt. It feels productive, but guilt is actually sabotaging your parenting. In this episode, we'll talk about four categories of guilt, how to stop absorbed it, and how to stop letting guilt lie to you by understanding that it has zero place in your life. So, how is guilt hijacking your parenting? When I'm coaching moms, and I've been working with families, hundreds of families over the last twenty years. I noticed that moms tend to absorb and have guilt more than meant for whatever reason. But I think I've identified that reason is that moms seem to be making more decisions, maybe two to three times as many decisions a day, and they tend to just by the shear numbers, they're second guessing their decisions more often. Every day is a parent is a new day, so we're experiencing something new for the first time, and it's very easy to have guilt creep in and second guess what we're citing for our kids. So, moms, you're not broken for feeling guilty. It's almost a rite of passage.

1:48 We've all been there. But to be honest, how productive is ruminating and second guessing the what ifs? The shaddow would it could h The rumination does not solve a single thing. Guilt can make you appear to be a weaker parent because if your decisions are getting hijacked by your kids, then you just keep second guessing yourself. Your child wonders what you stand for. Kids are smart and if they see that you have guilt and second guessing over your decisions. They think that what you're deciding is open for negotiations, so they're going to take advantage of that. Some other ways that guilt will weaken your messaging as a parent is that guilt will drive emotionally based parenting instead of clear leadership from you. Guilt traps you in a process of people pleasing or overcompensating behaviors, all of which undermine your credibility with your kids. Guilt will create a toxic cycle of decision regret, than shame and doubt, rinse, repeat, right, So we're in a toxic cycle of every time we make a decision, we second guess that and then we change our mind and we just look weaker as a parent, and our kids can sniff that out. How do you think that guilt could be hurting your connection with your child?

2:58 Something you said that found very interesting is that you mentioned toxic cycle. And I definitely want to know your take on this as well, because I think it's very easy Because you said sniff kids can sniff this out, and I actually have wondered if doing enough of this, you're actually creating a toxic cycle, Like so for example, kids, sometimes I wonder if are they creating situations because if they know on the back and they're going to get something out of it the next day, it makes me kind of wonder because I have actually questioned that with one of my kids smart enough to know it's hard sometimes you can't really tell, but I have wondered and just was wondering, like what your thoughts on that are we creating these patterns in behavior? And they could be conscious or unconscious, but I wondered, if you know this, if it's driving the kids behavior to do something knowing they might get something on the back end, if a parent is overcome things saving.

4:00 Well, absolutely, That's why I say that you know, when you are prone to guilt and sick and guessing yourself, that is very easily identifiable by the kids. Yes, smart kids are going to they're like, you know, they smell the blood in the water. And if they think that you're second guessing yourself. And when I said earlier that moms tend to make two to three times more decisions in a day than a dad, especially if we're home and we're second guessing ourselves, we're thinking that the kids, you know, we're nurturers. Right, So if we're nurturers and we're trying to be open minded and we're trying to be collaborative, sometimes that can be taken as guilty thoughts. But if we are ruminating and we are overthinking what we decided, or kids are feeling like they can exploit our kindness and we're willing to go back on what we said, then yeah, that weakens you as a parent.

4:52 It weakens your credibility. They think they can negotiate with you, and none of that equals leadership parenting. That equals boundary setting and consistency. Yeah, And I know for me, whenever I do things out of guilt, it always seems to snowball. And I think it depends on how guilty you feel, what your level of guilt might be. But a heavy guilt can easily snowball from one thing to another to another, and the next thing, I know, I'm resenting the whole situation. But then deep down, I know this is a me issue. This is something I did to myself, So I mean, I know from experience it can only complicate situations. And actually, I think it just distracts people from taking action to just not repeat the behavior that might have caused someone to feel guilty in the first place.

5:40 Sure, exactly. I agree. There's so many factors that go into feeling guilty, and I think it can really be nuanced. And you pointed out in your book that there are four major categories of guilt. Can you talk a little bit more about that, really? Yeah, after parenting my own four kids and working with lots of moms, lots of families, I have identified that there are there are four categories of guilt. Okay, there are four places where guilt lives. Number one is the self inflicted guilt. That's the inner voice that you allow to tell you that you're failing. The second guessing, it's the part that shakes your confidence every time you make a decision, you wonder was that the right decision. So that's the self inflicted that's coming from a place of inside you. And then number two is the guilt that you put on your kids. After all I do for you, if you love me, you'd come home on time. You know that type of patterning, or maybe you were raised with that, and now you use that as a crutch or a tool. So you're using guilt to get an action from somebody, whether it's your kids, or your spouse, or you know friends. Either way, it's a pattern that is not a healthy one that you want to be aware of. The third category is the guilt from your kids.

6:53 That this is the type of guilt that if you're allowing tantrums an emotional manipulation to trigger your own shame because it's happening and you're not stopping it. This is where your kids are now exploiting you, right, They're hijacking your decisions because they've sniffed that you are for sale or that your decisions don't stand. So that's the guilt that you're allowing your kids to put onto you. And then the final category is societal guilt. Are you prone to being an Instagram perfect mom? Are you prone to taking unsolicited opinions from friends and family that you allow to seep in and affect how you parent because you're not finding your own inner voice? Is that guilt affecting your parenting as well? These four categories are just really about awareness. And notice the consistent messaging that I'm using in each description of the categories, which is you're allowing guilt is very much like you said earlier, it's very much put on all from you. So when you're aware of the self inflicted guilt, the guilt from your family, that you're allowing other people to give you, from society, these are all things that are non their emotion. But they're not emotion. They're not they're not solving a single problem, right, So if you're allowing this to happen and you're allowing it to seep in and affect the decisions that you're making, I say, if you can name it, you can change it.

8:18 Guilt is one of the most insidious emotions and counterproductive feelings that every parent, especially moms that I work with, have that are problematic in their parenting and problematic in them being taken seriously as leaders, and that are problematic in them not being able to create boundaries. So it starts with we spend several sessions sometimes just getting moms to understand how guilt, What is guilt, How is it affecting them, what are the patterns in their life? How is it manifesting in their decision making? And I start off by saying, if you can name it, you can change it. So the first thing is to say, yes, I'm taking on guilt I'm allowing guilt, And here's where that's the number one thing. One of the funny parts about guilt is I get a lot of moms that say, you seem to have a very clear cut boundary on guilt, and it's like, well, I have not let guilt have a place in my life. So when someone tells me I'm allowing something, I'm going to take a look at that and be practical about it and say, how can I put the boundary around this and not let guilt seep in. There's quite a few ideas and actionable tools that I have that we'll talk about. But the number one thing that how do I not let guilt have a place in my life? That I've learned and I've trained myself with is that I never second guess a decision once I've made it. So if i feel like there's been intention and love behind my decision and I'm dealing with the best possible information that I had at the time, I'm not second guessing it. I'm moving on.

9:50 I'm running a business, I'm running a family of six people. I don't have time to ruminate. I'm going to have a clear boundary that I made the decision, and I love myself enough to go. Once I've made my decision, that's my final decision. Now, if I find that I made a mistake on that decision, I will simply apologize and then I'll move on quickly. I'll just tell myself I'll do better tomorrow. The lesson has been learned. That's it. It's very clear boundary. So three ways that I don't allow guilt to come into my life. Don't second guess my decision. I give myself the benefit that I made the best decision I could at the time. Number two, if I make a mistake, I apologize and I pivot quickly. And then number three, I make an intentional effort to not live a life of regret. So that sounds like just words like I make an intentional effort. You know those aren't words. What it is is it I've decided, right, it's a decision up front that I'm making, And that's how we create discipline. That's how we create real change in our lives. And since guilt is such a difficult, insidious habit for us to kick, I feel like some of these boundary setting tools can be and have been very helpful to the parents that I work with. If I've given thought and care into making a decision, I know that my intention is pure. I give myself that permission, and I feel like if I made a mistake, it's a learning experience. I'll do better tomorrow. That's how I think of it. Another guiding thought that has been helpful and grounding for parents is to shift the question stop

11:21 asking did I do the right thing, and start asking did I act with intention? If you did act with intention, with the best information that you had, then that's the right decision and that's what was right for you. You must let the rest go. This mindset works because guilt thrives on hindsight, and hindsight is about perfectionism. If I'm thinking about the past, I'm thinking I should have what it could I needed to be perfect, I needed to redo that decision. I'm again second guessing that decision. That's about perfectionism. But intention. If I'm thinking about saying that my intention was pure and it was coming from love, and it was the best information I had at the time, intention is rooted in the present, so it's it's unarguable, it's unshameable. My moment is what I have complete control over right now, right. So if I'm thinking in the past or hindsight, I'm thinking that that is about perfection. No, we're letting that go because that's where the guilt lives.

12:21 So when guilty thoughts creep in, I say, I made a thoughtful decision, not a perfect one, and that's enough. Sometimes just these types of inner thoughts, this inner monologue will help us kick that guilt to the curb and not allow it to seep in so that we don't continue losing credibility. Give yourself permission to release the guilt without losing your accountability. I think that is really important. Releasing guilt without losing accountability, I think is so important. I think it can be very easy to constantly tell yourself like I'll do better tomorrow and I'll start fresh tomorrow, which I think works great. That's actually something that we do in our house. Even the kids will say it. If somebody, you know, kind of felt like they messed up or made a mistake and you know, apologize and then it's like, I'll start fresh tomorrow. But I do think, and I've been there, there's definitely a fine line. And that's why I liked you said really guilt without losing accountability, because there's it's a fine line until it becomes an excuse to keep repeating a pattern.

13:24 Right, that's great. So for me had this happen, if I'm about two or three days having the same guilty thoughts, I know I need to check in with myself, and that check in is like, Okay, what am I doing? And how can I make a plan to change it? And nine times out of ten it would have been around yelling. So you know, and I think probably most moms can relate to that. Would it be helpful for you with some of these inner monologue phrases to try to pivot away from the guilt. Would it be helpful for you if you're spending three days feeling bad about yelling? Are you able to just give your self permission to say, you know, I apologist, I made a regrettable decision. I apologize. We're role modeling to our kids. We all make mistakes, We're not perfect.

14:11 We're letting the imperfection go because again, imperfection, in hindsight is where guilt lives. And what is it helpful for you to not spend those three days in that rumination phase and to just say I noticed that pattern earlier. Instead of three days, I'm going to take it down to one day, maybe less than a day, a couple of hours. I'm feeling bad about yelling? What can I do? How do I get this off my chest? What can I do? I can apologize and pivot and go less and learned. When I'm tired, I yell more quickly. So how do we stop that guilt from affecting because maybe three days of your guilt is again making your credibility lost because you're maybe being overkind or letting the kids walk TV longer, or what are you doing that's affecting your parenting during those three days?

14:57 Yeah, exactly. That's why I love some of the intern shifts that we could start saying to ourselves, because I do think you almost have to be proactive about it. That's why it was very interesting you mentioned it as a habit, and I think so if that's the case, it's just as easy to undo the habit. But it's going to take intention when you wake up in the morning, reminding yourself so that when you get to that point, you have these phrases already kind of in your mind that are your go to phrases, and I think just reminding yourself, setting the intention maybe even that morning if something's a problem, Okay, the next morning, I'm going to wake up and I'm not going to yell today. And these are the ways I can be proactive to not do that, because I think everyone has. You know, you can have the day where it's like a one off and the same pattern is repeating itself and it's one that makes you feel guilty. I think that's a nice clue to be more proactive.

15:54 Yeah, I think that One of the things that I have found helpful in the coaching one on one with parents is applying a practical lens to guilt, because guilt is so emotion based and unproductive. It is literally a wasted emotion. It's an emotion that we don't even need to acknowledge. The way that I've been able to help parents let that go is through applying a more practical lens to guilt. Again, my biggest foundational method of parenting is this parenting in advance, Like, how do we decide upfront? First of all, it's like any bad habit, we have to acknowledge the bad habit. So we have to acknowledge that we are spending time second guessing ourselves. Then we have to acknowledge how detrimental it is to us and our parenting. So it's detrimental why because we lose credibility with our kids. And if you're doing guilt with your kids, you're doing it with your spouse, your partner, your family, maybe people at work. It's lessening and weakening your voice, your confidence, your credibility, and those are things that are counterproductive in our lives across the board. So once we see that, that's we put it in a box. We look at that emotion as counterproductive, We acknowledge it's not serving us as a parent. We apply that practical lens there, and now we are able to decide up front, I'm not allowing it. I'm in charge. If I'm allowing this to creep in and make me second guessed by my kids, oh no, Like i don't know about you. But if I'm finding out that I'm doing something that weakens me and my voice and my confidence and my leadership with

17:24 my kids, I'm pivoting. I'm done. So sometimes it's just calling attention to how guilt is affecting your parenting and how it is actually being applied in your life. Just acknowledge it, and now we can think practically about it in my coaching. In my book, I do have some additional practical ways to actually let go of guilt in real life. So these are some practical ideas that can be applied. They're mindset shifts, they're helpful whichever one might resonate with you. But first you want to identify when the guilt kicks in. Is it when your child is upset? When do you feel guilt it your child's upset and you want to fix it. Or is it when you feel compared or comparing yourself to others? Again, we get back to the four categories of guilt society. Is it the guilt your child is putting on you because he's upset?

18:11 Is it when family visits? Are you revisiting guilt because of the family patterns that you were raised with? Number one, acknowledge, acknowledge and identify it. Notice your overcompensating behaviors. Are you changing your mind a lot? If so, your kids don't know what ends up. Now you're yelling and you're upset. Your kids aren't listening. But let's back that up and realize that it's guilt. Your guilty feelings in your lack of consistency is creating your kids to not listen to you because they know that it's going to change because you're busy beating yourself up. Right, remind yourself that guilt is a message. It's not a plan. We can change messaging at any moment, so it's not a plan of action.

18:52 It's a message, and it's emotional message, and it's meaningless. And then recalibrate what your conversation is. Apologize if needed, but don't make in the mistake. That's just not solving anything right. So start fresh the next day, because that's what real growth looks like. If we're listening to this podcast, you're reading parenting books, you want to be a better parent. This is about growth, This is about learning. Start fresh the next day. Next day is a new day, and that's what growth looks like. Just remind yourself of that. Since guilt can be so embedded in us, it takes time and awareness to stop listening to it, some additional actionable tools to let it go for good. Remember that it's not your job to keep your kid happy, it's to raise someone who can handle difficult things. Right, So lose the guilt, but keep the lesson and move on.

19:43 Give guilt a job and then fire it. This is one of the things that I've talked to with some of my moms in my workshops. Guilt thinks it's helpful by learning you to a mistake, but it doesn't know when to shelter up. So acknowledge it like a bad employee, and then fire it. It's up right, Give guilt a job and then fire it. I love that. Yeah, tell yourself thanks for the alert, guilt, but the message you received and you're no longer needed here. Another idea that I've used in workshops is to create a guilt reset phrase. Huge fan of mantras because it's a quick little sentence that resonates with me and then it redirects me quickly. And I love reset phrases and mantras.

20:25 But you can do like rehearsed phrase that creates muscle memory and that stops the shame spiral. So you can teach your brain a new cue. You can say, I've decided that I forgive myself faster than I used to. If that is what your problem is, that you're using guilt and your confidence is shook because you're ruminating again and guilt and second guessing yourself. Just decide. It's up to you to decide. No one else can decide this for you, but it's up to you to decide. I forgive myself faster than I used to, all right, I can also decide that I'm growing, and that's what matters. I'm changing an ever changing landscape. I'm a parent doing the best I can. So I'm growing and that's what matters here. Another one is that I've decided to lead with love, not regret, because regret again is another wasted emotion like guilt. I am a leader in my family.

21:15 I create the culture of my home. Guilt does not serve me or anyone in my family. I lead with love. And the last little actionable tip that I've used that seems to resonate with moms the most is name the source. Is this guilt mine? Or did I absorb it? A lot of guilt isn't even ours. It's inherited, or it's projected, or it's socially planted. Naming this source strips its power. You can ask yourself, whose guilt am I carrying right now? And do I even believe it. This gives you permission to kick out the guilt and parent from your own values, not from someone else's voice. Guilt again, just to recap, is a wasted emotion. It's only strength is deception, and starting today, you're too damn strong to fall for it.

22:02 If this episode stirred something in you, let that be your cue that you are no longer parenting from a position of guilt. You're here to show up with clarity, intention and zero shame. Let that linger and let guilt go. Thank you for listening today. We're so happy to have you, and if you would like to get some more information, you can visit My website is askmomparenting dot com. It's also ask mom Parenting on Instagram and Facebook. I have a Yell Free Parenting group a private group on Facebook Yell Free Parenting. I do posts every day. I have a lot of great content in there that you're able to join. Have a book, Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a Fuck. It's on Amazon. I look forward to talking with you next time, and feel free to reach out in any way if you have questions or to have topics that you want to hear about. Thanks again, and we'll see you next time.

22:55 She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, she is straw, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is bold, she is you. She is she is, she. Is sure, she is she is strong, she is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is bold, she she is you, she is she is she sure of herself. Yeah, she takes care of it. Powerful and strong. Yes, she knows who. She is, has integrity, woman, strong and true. You know her by name. See this woman is you. She is sure, she is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is she is, she is you, she is she is, she is sure, she is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is she is she is you.

23:56 She is you. She adds value and hope, has proved to be brave. See it's never too late, never time to behave reaching for dreams doesn't matter. The age believes in herself, unleashed from her cage. She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is bold, she is you, she is she is, she is sure, she is she is strong, she is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is she is you.