Kids Holiday Meltdowns Made Easier on Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan

0:01 She is Pray prayche is she is you. You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on the Word of Mom Media Network. Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Ask Mom Parenting podcast, where we take the mystery and the yelling out of modern parenting and offer real life self help for parents. I'm Sue and with me is Randy, and we're here with our no bullshit, no filters, zero guilt parenting reboot. Whether you're deep in the. Toddler tantrums, navigating tween and teen drama, or somewhere in between, you'll get clarity and actionable tools, one episode at a time. The Holidays are marketed as a blissful commercial, you know, matching pajamas, sipping hot chocolate by the tree, and kids filled with polite contained excitement staring at the at the presence.

0:47 But meanwhile, in real life, you know, parents are over here refereeing sugar crashes and sibling fights and trying not to crash out while someone is refusing to eat the stuffing that it took me three hours were to make. What actually happens when kids are home from school is that routines are gone and sugar is flowing and kids don't realize that it's our job to make the season magical and bright. And yes, many of those expectations we accidentally trained into our kids, and suddenly now the holidays feel less like a celebration and more like forced customer service without a coffee break. Today's episode is Calm Parenting Strategies for Holiday tantrums, complaining, and teen resistance. Before we talk about tantrum's meltdowns, whining, and the world's most popular facial expression, which I personally had nailed the whole.

1:37 The groaning and the irol I did that. Well, we're starting with you, because, as we've talked about many times on this podcast, we create the culture of our home. Everything begins with us, our reactions, our kids behavior, what boundaries we hold. So let's talk about what we can do to help ourselves. First. What pressures do we put on ourselves? You know, whats that were trying to meet that maybe no one asked for, you know, like holiday photo no one wants to take, or demanding something be homemade when it turns out the kids are just as happy with. The pie from Costco. Which traditions are we keeping out of guilt and not joy? Once we look at what's actually in our control. We'll break down some of the reasons why our kids are acting out during the holidays, and spoiler, it's not entitlement.

2:25 How do we reduce the chaos and hold onto our boundaries with confidence and still not be a grinch. By the end of this episode, we're going to have practical ways to reset our own expectations and sidestep child meltdowns and complaining while also protecting our own sanity and keeping the season more meaningful and less miserable. So let's get into it, starting with us. You know, as a great parent always does right what is actually in our control? And the answer is everything and also nothing. During my greatest moments of overwhelm, I don't start by fixing the moment. I zoom out. Big picture thinking is what makes every small decision that follows smarter and more informed. To get there, I use my favorite mantra, and that took me ten years to distill and to experience life and to really fine tune and just boil down to these two sentences. And that mantra is that I am only in charge of me.

3:24 I am not in charge of you. I cannot stress to you the empowerment that is packed into those two sentences. They freed me from trying to control situations and my kids. Once I'm in charge of me, I'm not in charge of you. Clicks. It is the most freeing feeling that you can have as a parent. And at the root of this mantra is intentional detachment and respect. We're going to actually let stuff go. That's right, Like, if it doesn't get done, it doesn't get done. Nobody is canceling your birthday. Okay, the world is an ending. It's all good. It's all good. We can loosen the grip and start to have some fun.

4:07 The only person taking notes on our holiday performance is the imaginary judge that we appointed in our own brain. No child has ever said my childhood was ruined because my mom served store bought rolls. No nobody cares, but they will remember the year that mom snapped because the family photo was being directed like a Martin Scorsese movie, and that is guilty as charged. Okay, you know, if you look really close to the photos, you can see the kids fighting back tears. Okay, the pictures did come out, Okay, but we don't have to go over the top. All right, So letting go of what you're controlling also doesn't mean that we're outsourcing like a martyr. All right, No, No, it's fine, you know, I'll just do it myself later and then quietly resent everybody.

4:51 No, I'm only in charge of me, I'm not in charge. Of you means truly letting it go, embracing what you are in charge of and letting go of what other people are in charge of. You know, if it. Doesn't get done, tomorrow is a new day. And we're calling this the new family tradition, all right, acting like that was the plan all along? And what next year? We're going to learn to lower our expectations even more in advance so that we can look brilliant and chill while doing so. In addition to I'm only in charge of me, I'm not in charge of you, here's what else we're doing to ease our stress during the holidays. We're recalibrating our expectations of ourselves and of others. Our kids behavior magically doesn't seem to bother us as much when we do so. Before we talk about our kids' meltdowns and behavior, let's talk about what we are in charge of and that is us, And we're going to get to the kid's behavior in a second.

5:45 But right now, I'm just setting the stage for the fact that. Moms and dads, but mostly moms, we are in charge of the holiday traditions. We're in charge of the magic. So we have to start with us. And if we can reframe our thought process and our expectations and what we're what load we're allowing to put on ourselves, magically everything starts to kind of fall into place. So here are some tips for us to use this magic mantra. Decide before you're tired. All right, we all know what kind of traditions we have with the holiday we are we are the ones setting the tone, So decide in advance. Don't set boundaries in the moment. Set them before the chaos shows up. You know, you can pretty much predict where and when your kids might melt down. They might be great the first couple of days, and then in a couple of days, you know, this is where I'm going to run into some trouble. So now we're going to plan in advance. A prepared parent is less reactionary, and they're executing a plan that they chose, that they chose in advance.

6:44 You know. Also, one other thing that we can do is we can outsource on purpose, not wait until we're desperate. You know, if something drains you every year, don't power through it, just tire it out. Trade with a friend, you know, simplify it now, in advance chants so you can kind of look forward to not having to do that thing. Proactive outsourcing is leadership. It's not laziness, all right. I'm not overly skilled in cooking, and you know I'll shop and i'll clean up, but if you add cooking to my plate, I'm. The one having the melt down, all right. So we're going to plan in advance. Drop the traditions that don't fit your life anymore. You know, if a tradition creates resentment and needs martyrdom to survive, let it die. The kids remember your energy. They don't remember the year you folded the napkins to look like a swan and then yelled at everybody.

7:35 For messing them up. Right, don't rescue other people's responsibilities. If we're only in charge of me, you know, I'm not in charge of you. If we're going to adopt this mantra, you know, if someone drops the ball. That is their unfinished task, not your emergency. Your holiday doesn't need to get louder or busier just because someone else is unprepared. You're in charge of you, not them, and that includes your kids and your husband or a partner. Protect your capacity like it's a gift to yourself. Like give yourself that gift of knowing that your presence is the magic in your family, and that's what your kids remember, not the menu, not the matching outfits or the fifteen dish spread. If you want a calmer home, protect your own bandwidth first and last, this is probably the most important. If you can keep your sense of humor and learn to laugh and just let things go, you're going to be so much happier for it. If you can laugh at the chaos instead of analyzing it, the holidays get a lot easier to survive and way more fun. When you can find the humor in a situation, you'll stop finding the stress. Now that we've released a little bit of the pressure that we put onto ourselves and shifted our expectations a bit, we suddenly have more room to handle our kids' big feelings, whether it's toddler tantrums or tween eye rolls, or teens acting allergic to the family traditions. Let's get into what this chaos actually looks like at every age and how does stay steady through all of it.

9:04 Yeah, I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say for that, because, as I've mentioned before on the podcast, I am so in the thick of this. I have two kids there are ages eleven and almost eight, and I feel like I am like thinking about all of these things like every holiday season. But one of the things that you mentioned that really goes along with the pressures that we put on ourselves in like our capacity. And I've had to like learn this the hard way. So one thing I really suggest is just like getting real with yourself. Like I had to get real with myself and ask myself, like what can I realistically accomplish? Like, Oh, when my kids were really little, I was just like doing all the things, all the all the things, like if it was available, we were doing it. And so I really had to like take a step back because I remember just being like super stressed out doing like cookie exchanges and all those things.

9:59 So that it has been really helpful for me. So when you were mentioning, like, you know, knowing your capacity. I really resonated with that because I've had to really do that myself. And one thing to say for anyone who's considering that, it's it's really helpful. And especially if you as your kids get older, you can have conversations with them about that. My oldest especially like, actually remembers Christmases where we were doing all the things and I was miserable, right, and so and if I'm miserable, everyone else is miserable too. So I definitely, you know, I like and I just will simply like have a conversation like, hey, because we're going to this holiday party or doing this thing, we're not going to do the cookie exchange or some of it kind of goes to what you're saying about doing stuff in advance. I've said, hey, I know this cookie exchange is going to be talked about at one of your sporting events, Like, I'm just not going to have the capacity to do that this year. So when they do talk about it, just know like we're going to skip that, but we're doing all of these other things.

10:56 And kids, really, you know, I in my experience really like, oh, I understand especially as they get a little bit older, they can really understand that. But you did mention two things that I think I definitely thought about and want to take with me. As deciding before you're tired. Totally agree with that, so like I do that in God, you cannot make good decisions when you're tired, for sure, and then keeping your sense of humor at all times. I don't do that at all. So those are two things that I learned today that I definitely think I'm also going to try and bring with me this year. It's funny. My go to is humor, and I'm, you know, very sophomoric in my humor. So raising three boys and my daughter always rolled her eyes at me until she finally got a little older and now she's laughing. But with the boys and my husband, you know, I'm just right there with them laughing at all their stupid stuff, and I just think it's hilarious. And I do remember as they got to be teenagers, you know, my husband would say something that would offend most people and they would look at me like, is she going to be mad?

11:54 I'm like, ah, I'm uproariously laughing. But humor is super important and when you're laughing, you know you're not judging and you're not expecting, and these are all things that are within our control. So I think those are important to remember, especially. Since, like I said earlier, the holidays are a big I don't like to use the word burden, but they are a big burden on us. And I don't think anyone realizes until they get older that we are the ones creating that magic, and it becomes a lot. So also, you know what you were saying earlier about asking your kids, yes, yes, get the kids involved. Ask them, Hey, what traditions did you really enjoy and which do you want to get rid of, because this is a lot of work from mom, you know, give them a little bit of insight into the fact that it doesn't just happen, it's being created.

12:41 And it's funny because even. In our home, it's really hilarious to see what the kids really like, like these stupid decorations. I just cannot get rid of. This little thing that's snow globe blows styrofoam snow you press the butt. I got it at Big Lots for like three I mean, it's ridiculous and damn thing will not die and these kids are in their twenties and they're like, where is the snow machine? And they just it's so silly. What is important to them? And you know if you just ask them and you and you embrace that, you realize what am I doing. It's similar to like getting an expensive toy, but the kids play with the box like so much more insightful when you find out what makes them feel magical. And now I get it's almost just permission to kind of let it go.

13:32 So getting into the behavior part of this podcast, and you know why why you might be listening because we're still talking about parenting and children and behavior and how to handle that when we have this concentrated amount of time with kids with sugar, and everybody's home and there's not good weather, so we're all stuck in the house. So I thought it might be helpful to go over some of the number one questions that I get most from parents by each age group, and then just answer those and hopefully you'll find some help in that. So, starting with toddlers, here's some questions. How do I prevent overstimulation from turning into an all day melt down? What do I do when my toddler melts down in front of relatives.

14:18 So that's I get that a lot. Parents are willing to let stuff go with their home, so they're willing to handle that behavior at home, but then they feel put on the spot when they're with relatives and they feel like they're being judged. So they want to know what they're supposed to do. When they're in front of friends and family and their child is melting down. So here is what parents can do. Okay, understand that children's brains are still learning to regulate and excitement and exhaustion. You know, they creep in when the experience sensory is overloading, and then they crash in the form of tantrums, whining, crying. You know this, This is just what we can expect. So we do know this upfront. We can expect that they're going to have a lot of sugar, they're not going to have as much sleep, and they're going to be in front of people that you know are new for them. So we want to get ahead of the overstimulation. You can make a quiet comfort corner that you help your child can help create everything that we do, especially if we're very concerned about our kids reacting with bad behavior in front of friends and family. Understand And I talk about this in some of my earlier podcasts with tantrums. The way to stop a tantrum in public is to handle it at home.

15:27 All of the training and all of the leadership that we show at home translates out into the public. Get ahead of the over stimulation, and you can you can make a quiet comfort corner in your home where we train that they can put their favorite books, their favorite toy, whatever it is. It can help design it, they can create it when it starts to feel and then you train the child when it starts to feel too much for you. When you feel like you're. Crying, you're upset, you're not getting your way, you have to turn the TV off, and you don't like it. We bake this little expectation in that, hey, there's going to be things that you're not going to be happy with. When that occurs and it starts to feel too much for you, you can go to your comfort corner and all you have to do is just calmly remind the child, Hey, looks like things are getting a little overwhelming for you.

16:13 You know, we design this this comfort corner. I think maybe it's time to go have a few moments of comfort. And that's, like I said, something that they designed and they built, you can also, you know, prepare them for gift opening. You might get something that you didn't expect, and that's okay. You know we're gonna be thankful. We're we talked about gratefulness last episode. Keep the routines as consistent as possible, and just training, training in advance. You might get something you don't like. You might get something you didn't expect, but that's okay. It's the thought that counts, and we'll talk about it later. Meltones in front of family first Again, like I've said, the public meltwnes and the tantrums are behaviors that you're gonna be handling at home.

16:55 So if you aren't taking care of the behavior at home consistently, you will be more apt to see it publicly. And so the boundaries are set and enforced at home, and that is the key. So we're just going to be doing that, taking time for training. I like that whole parenting in advance. This is kind of my foundation for parent coaching and for raising kids. So if the kids do still melt down in front of grandma and grandpa or the friend's family cousins. If it does still happen, narrate, don't apologize, don't say sorry they're being difficult or worse, don't yell at them aggressively because you're embarrassed. Now you're reacting differently than you normally would have. Say something like their brain's probably tired, we're an overload. We're going to take a quiet reset, and maybe they can train in advance to bring their comfort corner products with them that they can set up a little corner in someone else's home.

17:45 You can bring a bag, a comfort bag, we can call it anything that we want, as long as the child kind of feels an emotional tether to this bag or to these comfort toys that they are now knowing that in advance they have to go when they're behaving a certain way that we don't like in public, that they're going to go and take care of it for themselves because we trained it in advance. You're leading them, and by narrating it and then having your child have a pre planned escape, you're not throwing your kid under the bus. So for tweens, the number one question that I get is there's a couple. How do I help my tween manage social anxiety at parties and family gatherings? And how do I set screen limits? That's a big one during holidays without it turning into a battle. Here are some things parents can do. Tweens are stuck between wanting independence and still craving routine and consistency.

18:37 So when they. Snap at you or they roll their eyes, it's about gaining just a little bit of their own control. I have a saying, and it's called no when you're winning, okay, So saying this to yourself silently is especially effective. For tweens and teens. And that's if the tween rolls their eyes as they're walking over to the sink, turns the dishes. That you ask them to do. The eye roll goal, we don't have to parent that moment. You know, there's there's no they're there. You're winning. They're doing what you asked them to do. So, especially for the older kids, just they're gonna give a little grumble, they're going to do a few little things. But if they're doing what you asked, we don't have to parent that grumble or the eye roll. All right, they're doing what you asked, focus on the action. There's no need to pick a fight there. If your tween's got some social anxiety, the number one thing parents can do is to simply acknowledge their feelings of awkwardness. You know, share a story about yourself feeling that way, and don't make a really big deal about it. You know, we all have felt that way, and it's important to explain to your tweens. Say, hey, you know what awkwardness was. Yeah, that's how we all felt. I didn't know my cousins when we would go see them once a year. You know, it was awkward, It felt uncomfortable. But now they've become my best friends in life. So these bonding moments during the holidays with family or friends really become something in the future. So we want to just sort of educate our kids to that. I know it feels awf let's acknowledge that, but you'll get over it. So for screen time, you know, again, I go back to training in advance.

20:07 I teach parents something called earned access, which is where we put the carrot. We dangle a carrot out in front of what the child wants, so you list out the chores or what you need done, and once those are complete, they've earned access. For X number of hours. So it's always putting the cart before the horse, right, So it's outlining what your requirement is, and they have to earn the access to the screen time. We're not allowing it to go where they're on the on the screen unlimited amount of time and I have to pull them off again. Training in advance, parenting in advance, we're going to build that out. But you know, kids are just getting We're not allowing our kids to get unfettered access to their screens without some type of action taking place to get that access. So responsibility, unlocked privileges, and you can have those conversations anytime before.

20:55 You have to yell. So for teens, you know, the common. Question that I get from parents is how do I get my team to participate in family traditions without feeling like it's forced? And what do I do when skip? And what do I do when they want to skip gatherings or leave early? How do I balance their freedom while still expecting them to show up? You know, I remember those days so well. My brother and I couldn't wait to get the hell out of the house. So I think with teens. You know, striking a balance is very important. Teens crave independence, they crave trust and mutual respect, so forcing anything can push them away and make them not want to be part of the group. You know, even more, skip the lecture and be the leader. All right, I know you want to stay connected to your friends and your family. How can we balance you know, using your phone and being president at family dinner or how can you help clean up for the family dinner and then be released to go meet your friends. I understand that the friends are important, but so are family traditions.

21:58 So we're going to split the difference and then just have a mature conversation with them up front about what you would like them to do, and then when. They're released to go. So we're not going to lock them down and tell them they have to be here the whole night. Beat them in the middle, and it show that you have an understanding that they do want to be with some of their friends. And also with teens, you know, you can get them involved, tell them that the event that's happening and who will be there. Yeah. I love that you talked about responsibility unlocks privileges and the earned access. Definitely would promote that. I'm kind of in the middle of doing that with my kids as well, especially as they get older and they're getting more screen time. Like you mentioned, that is been wonderful, especially it kind of reminds me of things we've talked about like previously on the podcast. You know, it kind of ties in with not only giving your kids more responsibility, but letting them make the choice almost and kind of takes you out of it. So, for example, you need to complete your homework before you get on the screen, and then as well, it's the book, it's like out of your hands the parent at that point, and it's up to them to do the chore, the homework, whatever it is that they need to do before they get on the screen, and then it's like they're making that choice and kind of leaves you to just step away and say, well, once you do X, y Z, you get to then do this thing, which I think is super helpful, especially when you're trying to take stuff off your plate as a parent. And you know, the term that's like floating around out there that a lot of psychologists and sociologists are saying of parents these days is

23:30 we're quote over parenting and I know you talk a lot about just saying something pretty neutrally walking away and then you know, letting them make the choice, so that responsibility unlocked privileges like really kind of goes hand in hand with that for me. And then it's up to your child to then like make the choice if that's what they want to do, if they want to earn the access, they know what they have to do. But also the meltbound's eye rols and whining are just kids bumping into skills they haven't built yet. Is definitely a perspective shift I think is really import and then something I know I have to take with me as well, because man, that some of those things are super triggers for me. And the way you mentioned that is not a way I've really thought about that before. And I think when we look at it that way, it can really help parents like get less frustrated and instead of coming at it with a reaction, you're just coming at the situation, you know, with a little more empathy when you view it like that. Instead of that you react and then there's conflict in yelling and everything like that.

24:29 So I really do like that and think that it's a different definitely a good perspective shift that could help us even resolve conflict when we view it from that lens. Yeah. I again, getting through teen years really shaped my parenting because you got to really drill down and really, you know, I just remember the conversations I was able to have with the kids when they were younger, I wasn't able to do when they got a little older. It was like talking in bullet points. They were walking by me getting their breakfast ready, I'm like, boom, boom, boom, you know, and that's it. That's all. That's all I had time for. So I had to really kind of drill down. But in terms of getting them to participate, and you know, it's all going to be built up upfront, and it's a counterintuitive way to do it, but if you anticipate the problems that you might have, the behavior the screen time, you know already upfront.

25:19 What you expect. So if we if we're able to kind of zoom out and realize what we're in charge of. It's like I said earlier, it's about respect, and it's about showing your kids respect. It's about showing your partner respect, your family respect. You know, I'm not attaching meaning to this because I don't have to. I'm only in charge of me and I'm not in charge of what you do, what you think, and how you feel. So I'm not. Attaching meaning to this and I'm only going to do what I'm able to do. And I think that is the most important takeaway in terms of how to handle holiday chaos. Again, that's the counterintuitive part is I'm looking at myself first, and then from there, I'm handling my kid's behavior. So instead of just talking about tantrum and whining, you know, we're addressing that, but we're addressing that through the lens of what am I in charge of and how do I sort of restructure my home so that they get the earned access and that they have to participate, and all of that is baked in sort of upfront.

26:15 So the holidays can go a lot smoother if we stop overmanaging in a moment and start leading in advance. Meltdowns, whining, eye rolls, it's just kids, you know, bumping into the skills. Like you said that, they're trying that, they're trying to figure out. But we're the leaders and we're creating the culture, and we've got the boundaries. There's certain things that will we'll look the other way on like an eye roll if you're on your way to doing the chore that I asked you to do. I don't care about the eye roll. I know that I'm winning. I'm already winning. I have to tell myself I have to be in that moment. So if we can zoom out, stay in charge of ourselves and let others be in charge of themselves, and treat the holidays like a training instead of theater, our kids will leave home with more than gifts. They'll leave with growth. Thank you so much for listening.

26:57 If you would like more information and more help on tantrums and behavior, I have a tantrum and behavior Rescue Kit on my website. It doesn't have to be just at the holidays. I have a great resource for tantrums, meltdowns and whining available on my website. It's called the Tantrum and Behavior Rescue Kit, and it gives you the exact tools to handle tantrums, meltdowns, attitude, and all the tricky behaviors that increase, especially during the holidays. It's only seventeen dollars and you'll get instant access to my top three most requested resources, all in one downloadable kit. The kit includes a way for you to learn my proven strategies to handle tantrums and whining like a pro, then the motivations behind the behavior so you can address it ahead of time, and my three best stress free discipline techniques.

27:42 Go to askmomparenting dot com and click get help. Then select the free and low cost resources and it will be found there. Thank you so much for listening. This concludes our season one. We will see you next year. I think it'll be on January fourteenth, Wednesday the fourteenth, season two, and until then, happy parenting. She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, she is strong, she is true, is true, she is braized, she is she is you. She is she is she is sure. She is sure, she is strong, she is strong, she is true, is true, she is braized, she is bold.

28:24 She she is you, she is she is she sure of herself. Yeah, she takes care of it. Powerful and strong. Yes, she knows who she is has integrity, woman, strong and true. You know her by name. See this woman is you. She is sure, she is she is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she is braise, she is she is you, she is she is, she is sure, she is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is she, she is you, she is she is adds value and hope has proved to be brave. See it's never too late, never time to behave Reaching for dreams doesn't matter. The age believes in herself, unleash from her cage. She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is bold, she is you, she is she, she is sure, she is she is strong, she is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, is brave, she is she is you.