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Dec. 10, 2025

Kids Holiday Meltdowns Made Easier on Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan

Sue Donnellan shares parenting mindset shift that stops holiday tantrums, complaining and teen resistance.

The Parenting Mindset Shift That Stops Holiday Tantrums, Complaining & Teen Resistance

If the holidays feel less like a celebration and more like forced customer service without a coffee break, this episode is for you! Hit play for practical strategies to manage tantrums, whining, meltdowns, tween and teen resistance, overstimulation, and screen battles around the holidays.

It all starts with a parenting mindset shift that changed the game for me and many of the parents I've coached.

In this episode you'll learn how to combine this parenting mindset with boundary setting, behavior training, and age-specific parenting tips - all with the goal to reduce holiday chaos and increase family connection.

Resources:
Grab the Tantrum and Behavior Rescue Kit
Join the Facebook Group
Read Sue's book, Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a F^ck
Connect with Sue: Instagram

If this episode helps you find clarity, don’t forget to subscribe for more weekly guidance on parenting, connection, and calm discipline. Your next breakthrough might just be one episode away.

Please support UnsilencedVoices.org a global 501(c)3 nonprofit that empowers survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking.

We thank Smith Sisters and the Sunday Drivers for our theme song, "She is You".

Be sure to connect with us and come tell us your story!

WordofMomRadio.com - sharing the wisdom of women, in business and in life.

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WEBVTT

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She is Pray prayche is she is you.

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You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on

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the Word of Mom Media Network. Hi everyone, and welcome

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back to the Ask Mom Parenting podcast, where we take

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the mystery and the yelling out of modern parenting and

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offer real life self help for parents. I'm Sue and

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with me is Randy, and we're here with our no bullshit,

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no filters, zero guilt parenting reboot.

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Whether you're deep in the.

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Toddler tantrums, navigating tween and teen drama, or somewhere in between,

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you'll get clarity and actionable tools, one episode at a time.

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The Holidays are marketed as a blissful commercial, you know,

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matching pajamas, sipping hot chocolate by the tree, and kids

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filled with polite contained excitement staring at the at the presence.

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But meanwhile, in real life, you know, parents are over

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here refereeing sugar crashes and sibling fights and trying not

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to crash out while someone is refusing to eat the

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stuffing that it took me three hours were to make.

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What actually happens when kids are home from school is

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that routines are gone and sugar is flowing and kids

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don't realize that it's our job to make the season

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magical and bright. And yes, many of those expectations we

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accidentally trained into our kids, and suddenly now the holidays

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feel less like a celebration and more like forced customer

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service without a coffee break. Today's episode is Calm Parenting

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Strategies for Holiday tantrums, complaining, and teen resistance. Before we

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talk about tantrum's meltdowns, whining, and the world's most popular

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facial expression, which I personally had nailed the whole.

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The groaning and the irol I did that.

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Well, we're starting with you, because, as we've talked about

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many times on this podcast, we create the culture of

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our home. Everything begins with us, our reactions, our kids behavior,

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what boundaries we hold. So let's talk about what we

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can do to help ourselves. First. What pressures do we

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put on ourselves? You know, whats that were trying to

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meet that maybe no one asked for, you know, like

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holiday photo no one wants to take, or demanding something

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be homemade when it turns out the kids are just

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as happy with.

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The pie from Costco.

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Which traditions are we keeping out of guilt and not joy?

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Once we look at what's actually in our control. We'll

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break down some of the reasons why our kids are

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acting out during the holidays, and spoiler, it's not entitlement.

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How do we reduce the chaos and hold onto our

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boundaries with confidence and still not be a grinch. By

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the end of this episode, we're going to have practical

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ways to reset our own expectations and sidestep child meltdowns

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and complaining while also protecting our own sanity and keeping

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the season more meaningful and less miserable. So let's get

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into it, starting with us. You know, as a great

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parent always does right what is actually in our control?

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And the answer is everything and also nothing. During my

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greatest moments of overwhelm, I don't start by fixing the moment.

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I zoom out.

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Big picture thinking is what makes every small decision that

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follows smarter and more informed. To get there, I use

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my favorite mantra, and that took me ten years to

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distill and to experience life and to really fine tune

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and just boil down to these two sentences. And that

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mantra is that I am only in charge of me.

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I am not in charge of you. I cannot stress

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to you the empowerment that is packed into those two sentences.

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They freed me from trying to control situations and my kids.

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Once I'm in charge of me, I'm not in charge

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of you.

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Clicks.

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It is the most freeing feeling that you can have

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as a parent. And at the root of this mantra

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is intentional detachment and respect. We're going to actually let

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stuff go. That's right, Like, if it doesn't get done,

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it doesn't get done. Nobody is canceling your birthday. Okay,

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the world is an ending. It's all good. It's all good.

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We can loosen the grip and start to have some fun.

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The only person taking notes on our holiday performance is

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the imaginary judge that we appointed in our own brain.

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No child has ever said my childhood was ruined because

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my mom served store bought rolls. No nobody cares, but

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they will remember the year that mom snapped because the

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family photo was being directed like a Martin Scorsese movie,

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and that is guilty as charged. Okay, you know, if

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you look really close to the photos, you can see

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the kids fighting back tears. Okay, the pictures did come out, Okay,

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but we don't have to go over the top. All right,

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So letting go of what you're controlling also doesn't mean

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that we're outsourcing like a martyr. All right, No, No,

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it's fine, you know, I'll just do it myself later

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and then quietly resent everybody.

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No, I'm only in charge of me, I'm not in charge.

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Of you means truly letting it go, embracing what you

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are in charge of and letting go of what other

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people are in charge of.

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You know, if it.

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Doesn't get done, tomorrow is a new day. And we're

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calling this the new family tradition, all right, acting like

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that was the plan all along?

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And what next year?

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We're going to learn to lower our expectations even more

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in advance so that we can look brilliant and chill

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while doing so. In addition to I'm only in charge

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of me, I'm not in charge of you, here's what

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else we're doing to ease our stress during the holidays.

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We're recalibrating our expectations of ourselves and of others. Our

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kids behavior magically doesn't seem to bother us as much

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when we do so. Before we talk about our kids'

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meltdowns and behavior, let's talk about what we are in

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charge of and that is us, And we're going to

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get to the kid's behavior in a second.

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But right now, I'm just setting the stage for the

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fact that.

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Moms and dads, but mostly moms, we are in charge

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of the holiday traditions. We're in charge of the magic.

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So we have to start with us. And if we

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can reframe our thought process and our expectations and what

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we're what load we're allowing to put on ourselves, magically

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everything starts to kind of fall into place. So here

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are some tips for us to use this magic mantra.

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Decide before you're tired. All right, we all know what

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kind of traditions we have with the holiday we are

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we are the ones setting the tone, So decide in advance.

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Don't set boundaries in the moment. Set them before the

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chaos shows up. You know, you can pretty much predict

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where and when your kids might melt down. They might

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be great the first couple of days, and then in

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a couple of days, you know, this is where I'm

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going to run into some trouble. So now we're going

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to plan in advance. A prepared parent is less reactionary,

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and they're executing a plan that they chose, that they

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chose in advance.

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You know.

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Also, one other thing that we can do is we

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can outsource on purpose, not wait until we're desperate. You know,

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if something drains you every year, don't power through it,

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just tire it out. Trade with a friend, you know,

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simplify it now, in advance chants so you can kind

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of look forward to not having to do that thing.

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Proactive outsourcing is leadership. It's not laziness, all right. I'm

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not overly skilled in cooking, and you know I'll shop

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and i'll clean up, but if you add cooking to

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my plate, I'm.

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The one having the melt down, all right. So we're

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going to plan in advance.

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Drop the traditions that don't fit your life anymore. You know,

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if a tradition creates resentment and needs martyrdom to survive,

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let it die. The kids remember your energy. They don't

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remember the year you folded the napkins to look like

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a swan and then yelled at everybody.

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For messing them up.

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Right, don't rescue other people's responsibilities. If we're only in

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charge of me, you know, I'm not in charge of you.

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If we're going to adopt this mantra, you know, if

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someone drops the ball. That is their unfinished task, not

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your emergency. Your holiday doesn't need to get louder or

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busier just because someone else is unprepared. You're in charge

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of you, not them, and that includes your kids and

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your husband or a partner. Protect your capacity like it's

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a gift to yourself. Like give yourself that gift of

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knowing that your presence is the magic in your family,

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and that's what your kids remember, not the menu, not

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the matching outfits or the fifteen dish spread. If you

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want a calmer home, protect your own bandwidth first and last,

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this is probably the most important. If you can keep

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your sense of humor and learn to laugh and just

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let things go, you're going to be so much happier

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for it. If you can laugh at the chaos instead

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of analyzing it, the holidays get a lot easier to

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survive and way more fun. When you can find the

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humor in a situation, you'll stop finding the stress. Now

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that we've released a little bit of the pressure that

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we put onto ourselves and shifted our expectations a bit,

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we suddenly have more room to handle our kids' big feelings,

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whether it's toddler tantrums or tween eye rolls, or teens

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acting allergic to the family traditions. Let's get into what

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this chaos actually looks like at every age and how

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does stay steady through all of it.

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Yeah, I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to

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say for that, because, as I've mentioned before on the podcast,

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I am so in the thick of this. I have

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two kids there are ages eleven and almost eight, and

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I feel like I am like thinking about all of

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these things like every holiday season. But one of the

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things that you mentioned that really goes along with the

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pressures that we put on ourselves in like our capacity.

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And I've had to like learn this the hard way.

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So one thing I really suggest is just like getting

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real with yourself. Like I had to get real with

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myself and ask myself, like what can I realistically accomplish? Like, Oh,

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when my kids were really little, I was just like

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doing all the things, all the all the things, like

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if it was available, we were doing it. And so

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I really had to like take a step back because

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I remember just being like super stressed out doing like

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cookie exchanges and all those things.

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So that it has been really helpful for me.

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So when you were mentioning, like, you know, knowing your capacity.

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I really resonated with that because I've had to really

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do that myself. And one thing to say for anyone

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who's considering that, it's it's really helpful. And especially if

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you as your kids get older, you can have conversations

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with them about that. My oldest especially like, actually remembers

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Christmases where we were doing all the things and I

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was miserable, right, and so and if I'm miserable, everyone

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else is miserable too. So I definitely, you know, I

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like and I just will simply like have a conversation like, hey,

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because we're going to this holiday party or doing this thing,

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we're not going to do the cookie exchange or some

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of it kind of goes to what you're saying about

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doing stuff in advance. I've said, hey, I know this

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cookie exchange is going to be talked about at one

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of your sporting events, Like, I'm just not going to

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have the capacity to do that this year. So when

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they do talk about it, just know like we're going

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to skip that, but we're doing all of these other things.

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And kids, really, you know, I in my experience really like, oh,

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I understand especially as they get a little bit older,

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they can really understand that. But you did mention two

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things that I think I definitely thought about and want

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to take with me. As deciding before you're tired. Totally

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agree with that, so like I do that in God,

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you cannot make good decisions when you're tired, for sure,

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and then keeping your sense of humor at all times.

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I don't do that at all. So those are two

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things that I learned today that I definitely think I'm

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also going to try and bring with me this year.

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It's funny.

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My go to is humor, and I'm, you know, very

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sophomoric in my humor. So raising three boys and my

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daughter always rolled her eyes at me until she finally

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got a little older and now she's laughing. But with

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the boys and my husband, you know, I'm just right

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there with them laughing at all their stupid stuff, and

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I just think it's hilarious. And I do remember as

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they got to be teenagers, you know, my husband would

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say something that would offend most people and they would

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look at me like, is she going to be mad?

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I'm like, ah, I'm uproariously laughing. But humor is super

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important and when you're laughing, you know you're not judging

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and you're not expecting, and these are all things that

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are within our control.

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So I think those are important to remember, especially.

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Since, like I said earlier, the holidays are a big

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I don't like to use the word burden, but they

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are a big burden on us. And I don't think

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anyone realizes until they get older that we are the

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ones creating that magic, and it becomes a lot. So also,

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you know what you were saying earlier about asking your kids, yes, yes,

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get the kids involved. Ask them, Hey, what traditions did

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you really enjoy and which do you want to get

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rid of, because this is a lot of work from mom,

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you know, give them a little bit of insight into

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the fact that it doesn't just happen, it's being created.

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And it's funny because even.

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In our home, it's really hilarious to see what the

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kids really like, like these stupid decorations.

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I just cannot get rid of.

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This little thing that's snow globe blows styrofoam snow you

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press the butt. I got it at Big Lots for

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like three I mean, it's ridiculous and damn thing will

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not die and these kids are in their twenties and

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they're like, where is the snow machine? And they just

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it's so silly. What is important to them? And you

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know if you just ask them and you and you

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embrace that, you realize what am I doing. It's similar

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to like getting an expensive toy, but the kids play

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with the box like so much more insightful when you

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find out what makes them feel magical. And now I

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get it's almost just permission to kind of let it go.

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So getting into the behavior part of this podcast, and

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you know why why you might be listening because we're

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still talking about parenting and children and behavior and how

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to handle that when we have this concentrated amount of

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time with kids with sugar, and everybody's home and there's

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not good weather, so we're all stuck in the house.

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So I thought it might be helpful to go over

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some of the number one questions that I get most

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from parents by each age group, and then just answer

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those and hopefully you'll find some help in that. So,

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starting with toddlers, here's some questions. How do I prevent

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overstimulation from turning into an all day melt down? What

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do I do when my toddler melts down in front

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of relatives.

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So that's I get that a lot.

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Parents are willing to let stuff go with their home,

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so they're willing to handle that behavior at home, but

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then they feel put on the spot when they're with

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relatives and they feel like they're being judged.

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So they want to know what they're supposed to do.

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When they're in front of friends and family and their

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child is melting down. So here is what parents can do. Okay,

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understand that children's brains are still learning to regulate and

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excitement and exhaustion. You know, they creep in when the

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experience sensory is overloading, and then they crash in the

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form of tantrums, whining, crying. You know this, This is

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just what we can expect.

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So we do know this upfront.

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We can expect that they're going to have a lot

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of sugar, they're not going to have as much sleep,

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and they're going to be in front of people that

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you know are new for them. So we want to

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get ahead of the overstimulation. You can make a quiet

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comfort corner that you help your child can help create

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everything that we do, especially if we're very concerned about

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our kids reacting with bad behavior in front of friends

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and family. Understand And I talk about this in some

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of my earlier podcasts with tantrums. The way to stop

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a tantrum in public is to handle it at home.

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All of the training and all of the leadership that

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we show at home translates out into the public. Get

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ahead of the over stimulation, and you can you can

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make a quiet comfort corner in your home where we

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train that they can put their favorite books, their favorite toy,

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whatever it is. It can help design it, they can

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create it when it starts to feel and then you

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train the child when it starts to feel too much

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for you.

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When you feel like you're.

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Crying, you're upset, you're not getting your way, you have

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to turn the TV off, and you don't like it.

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We bake this little expectation in that, hey, there's going

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to be things that you're not going to be happy with.

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When that occurs and it starts to feel too much

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for you, you can go to your comfort corner and

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all you have to do is just calmly remind the child, Hey,

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looks like things are getting a little overwhelming for you.

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You know, we design this this comfort corner. I think

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maybe it's time to go have a few moments of comfort.

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And that's, like I said, something that they designed and

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they built, you can also, you know, prepare them for

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gift opening. You might get something that you didn't expect,

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and that's okay. You know we're gonna be thankful. We're

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we talked about gratefulness last episode. Keep the routines as

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consistent as possible, and just training, training in advance. You

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might get something you don't like. You might get something

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you didn't expect, but that's okay. It's the thought that counts,

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and we'll talk about it later. Meltones in front of

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family first Again, like I've said, the public meltwnes and

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the tantrums are behaviors that you're gonna be handling at home.

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So if you aren't taking care of the behavior at

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home consistently, you will be more apt to see it publicly.

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And so the boundaries are set and enforced at home,

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and that is the key. So we're just going to

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be doing that, taking time for training. I like that

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whole parenting in advance. This is kind of my foundation

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for parent coaching and for raising kids. So if the

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kids do still melt down in front of grandma and

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grandpa or the friend's family cousins. If it does still happen, narrate,

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don't apologize, don't say sorry they're being difficult or worse,

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don't yell at them aggressively because you're embarrassed. Now you're

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reacting differently than you normally would have. Say something like

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their brain's probably tired, we're an overload. We're going to

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take a quiet reset, and maybe they can train in

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advance to bring their comfort corner products with them that

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they can set up a little corner in someone else's home.

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You can bring a bag, a comfort bag, we can

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call it anything that we want, as long as the

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child kind of feels an emotional tether to this bag

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or to these comfort toys that they are now knowing

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that in advance they have to go when they're behaving

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a certain way that we don't like in public, that

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they're going to go and take care of it for

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themselves because we trained it in advance. You're leading them,

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and by narrating it and then having your child have

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a pre planned escape, you're not throwing your kid under

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the bus. So for tweens, the number one question that

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I get is there's a couple. How do I help

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my tween manage social anxiety at parties and family gatherings?

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And how do I set screen limits? That's a big

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one during holidays without it turning into a battle. Here

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are some things parents can do. Tweens are stuck between

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wanting independence and still craving routine and consistency.

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So when they.

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Snap at you or they roll their eyes, it's about

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gaining just a little bit of their own control. I

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have a saying, and it's called no when you're winning, okay,

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So saying this to yourself silently is especially effective.

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For tweens and teens.

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And that's if the tween rolls their eyes as they're

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walking over to the sink, turns the dishes.

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That you ask them to do.

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The eye roll goal, we don't have to parent that moment.

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You know, there's there's no they're there. You're winning. They're

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doing what you asked them to do. So, especially for

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the older kids, just they're gonna give a little grumble,

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they're going to do a few little things. But if

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they're doing what you asked, we don't have to parent

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that grumble or the eye roll. All right, they're doing

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what you asked, focus on the action. There's no need

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to pick a fight there. If your tween's got some

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social anxiety, the number one thing parents can do is

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to simply acknowledge their feelings of awkwardness. You know, share

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a story about yourself feeling that way, and don't make

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Sue Donnellan

As a mother who has balanced raising four kids (including triplets) with a full-time business and a husband who deployed to combat five times, I fully understand the demands on parents to successfully manage a busy family life. The steep learning curve of going from one to four children almost instantly kickstarted my methods for nurturing four unique individuals. My no-nonsense, judgement-free parenting style created an environment of freedom, flexibility and self-initiated learning for our kids. After twenty years in the trenches, parenting four happy, prosperous people, there is much to share that will make the entire process stress-free, effective and fun.

Randee Moore

Randee Moore is a mom of two, a copywriter and marketing strategist who’s obsessed with learning and personal growth. With a background in psychology, she’s passionate about exploring research based ways to parent with purpose and intention. She runs on caffeine, recharges in nature, and never leaves home without a good book.

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