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Nov. 26, 2025

Gratitude on Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan

Sue Donnellan Shares Practical Ways to Teach Kids Genuine Gratitude Every Day.

Practical Ways to Teach Kids Genuine Gratitude Every Day

Most parents try to teach gratitude by reminding kids to “say thank you.” But real gratitude isn’t a script. It’s a feeling. And the reason many kids don’t show it has nothing to do with entitlement and everything to do with emotional overwhelm, development, and the ability to receive.

In this episode, we’ll uncover why forced “thank yous” backfire, why the holidays make gratitude harder (not easier), and how kids often look ungrateful simply because they don’t yet know how to receive attention or generosity. You’ll learn what genuine appreciation looks like at different ages, how to help kids access it even in overstimulating moments, and the simple daily mantra that turns frustration to appreciation instantly.
If you want kids who feel thankful, not just perform it, this conversation will change the way you think about gratitude.
Listen For:

the surprising reason some kids shrink during gift-giving
how to rescue gratitude from holiday chaos
small, everyday ways to grow appreciation without reminders or pressure
the 2-minute practice that rewires your home

Thank you for being here! You can Sue a question and get a response within 24 hours by going to: https://www.askmomparenting.com/ask-question/

Connect with Sue:
Facebook group
Instagram:
Read Sue's book, Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a F^ck

If this episode helps you find clarity, don’t forget to subscribe for more weekly guidance on parenting, connection, and calm discipline. Your next breakthrough might just be one episode away.

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WEBVTT

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She is Brase Pray, she is she is you.

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You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on

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the Word of Mom Media Network.

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Hi everybody, and welcome back to the Ask Mom Parenting podcast,

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where we take the mystery and the yelling out of

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modern parenting and offer real life self help for parents.

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I'm Sue and with me is Randy, and we are

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here with our no bullshit, no filter, zero guilt parenting reboot.

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Whether you're deep in the toddler tantrums or navigating tween

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and teen drama, or somewhere in between, you'll get clarity

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and actionable tools one episode at a time. So today

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we are talking about gratitude and what gratitude actually is.

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Our episode today is gratitude for Kids and how to

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teach thankfulness to kids through everyday moments that build appreciation.

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This is not a Manner's episode. Okay, it's not a

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holiday etiquette say thank you to Grandma episode, but we

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will address gratitude's role during the holiday season. However, we're

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going to go much deeper than the basic, polite type

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of gratitude. We're diving into the felt kind, the kind

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that settles into your chest and actually shifts how you

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move throughout the day. We'll talk about how kids experience

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and struggle with gratitude, and will teach parents how to

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cultivate real gratitude in their homes in emotionally intelligent appropriate ways,

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especially during the holidays. But first we need to talk

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about you, the parent, because gratitude has to live inside

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of us before it can grow in your child. There

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is this magical element to gratitude that will unpack because

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when you intentionally create the habit of finding thankfulness every day,

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it has this way of positively impacting every aspect of

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your life.

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Gratitude is kind of like advil.

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You know, you never know how it mysteriously finds the pain,

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but you know it does, and it's free and there's.

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No side effects.

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That's how gratitude is for me. Finding my way back

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to gratitude has always steadied me more than absolutely anything

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else I do, And that really says a lot, because

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I exercise, and I eat right and I take supplements

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an overall super positive person, but nothing has pulled me

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through the stress of raising four kids and running my

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own business the way that intentional gratitude has. It's my

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reset button, it's my recalibration. It's the thing that pulls

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me back to center and reminds me what actually matters

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in that moment. Over the years, I've used this one

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gratitude mantra that flips my mindset immediately from anger to

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all right, let's do this. It's every single time, this

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never fails me. And this mantra is I don't have

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to I get to This is how this might look

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in real life, in your daily life, your chores, whatever

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you're doing. I don't have to vacuum. I get to

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vacuum the house that I work so hard to turn

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into a home. So instead of seeing it as the

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chore that I do daily, sometimes I just I'm like bitter,

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But then I'll find my way back to gratitude, Like,

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you know, I'm very lucky to have this home and

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to have the opportunity to have built this home and

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have it full of laughter. And I really just sort

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of focus on the I get to part. So say,

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you guys are yelling mom, you know, I go. Instead

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of being angry and frustrated with that, I'll just say

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I get to be the person that they feel safest

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calling for, and that just grounds me immediately. I just

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I just look at it through a different lens. You know,

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I don't have to make another meal. I choose to

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go out, which is gratitude in itself right. So it's

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just no matter what it is that's happening in your

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life that is really accumulating, you can stop in that

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moment and say, I don't have to I get to.

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You know, in my case, if I'm driving and I

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get road rage, which can happen often, I've often thought

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about how, you know, if I were to get into

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an accident, this person in front of me who I'm

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frustrated with might be that person who pulls off to

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the side of the road to save me.

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If somebody rear ends me.

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So I'm constantly challenging myself to find the good in people,

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good in the situation, and what I have control over.

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So I can't do a podcast on gratitude without addressing

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my favorite mantra, which is I don't have to I

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get to. When you feel the power of gratitude as

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an adult, it's easy to see how transformative it can

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be for our kids. Because gratitude isn't say thank you

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to Aunt Sally, It's emotional intelligence in motion. It's empathy,

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it's awareness, it's the beginning of teaching our kids about compassion.

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I love that you say gratitude, isn't you know, just

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saying say thank you to Grandma? Because as a parent,

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I know that's like what everyone wants to hear, especially

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anyone older than me. I feel like, you know, you

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go to these like gatherings, especially the holidays are coming up,

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and that's what people expect. But I know, as a parent,

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like I want to take it one step further. And

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I know there's a lot of parents out there, you know,

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I've talked to in that I've heard the same thing.

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Everyone today really just wants to go a little deeper

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and foster that genuine gratitude. So how do you suggest

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that parents go about fostering true gratitude, especially during this

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holiday season.

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Well, so, like the real question if we're going to

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foster it in ourselves and we're going to be intentional

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and we're going to use the mantra of like I

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don't have to, I get to, and then we're going

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to try to get that, you know, from the top

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down in our homes to try to teach our kids

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not just the thank you, but the true gratitude and appreciation.

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You know, we have to ask the real question.

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Which is, how do we teach kids genuine gratitude and

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not just the thank you in the holidays.

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Like I said, that's important, please.

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And thank you is important, But we're going so much

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deeper in this conversation, and this is where the conversation

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really begins for today's podcast, because how do we raise empathetic,

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emotionally intelligent kids who feel genuine gratitude for being thought of,

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Not just the performative say please and thank you kind

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of stuff, but the real appreciative emotion. How do we

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tach appreciation during the holidays and all year long. Today's

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podcast isn't about just holiday manners where our kids are

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seeing the obligatory please, thank you to family and friends.

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We don't want to just simply train our kids to recite.

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Please and thank you on command. That's just wrote memory,

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that's just doing it.

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Because mom and dad said, and I think we can

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all agree that we want kids who are genuinely thankful,

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who understand where gratitude comes from and spoiler alert, it

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will not come from us forcing it. So teaching real

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gratitude is teaching a feeling. It's one that grows out

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of noticing someone's effort and care for you. It's the

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kind of raw emotion that, once felt, will get recycled

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into kindness, empathy, and giving. And here's the part that

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I think gets easily missed when we're talking about gratitude

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in the parenting realm, is that kids can't feel true

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gratitude until they've taken some type of small emotional risk

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themselves by thinking of someone else. Can considering someone else,

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you know, that's how gratitude is born, and as parents

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we can kickstart that process in a variety of ways.

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I remember being in my mid twenties and I worked

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with the family. I did some private care with kids,

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and I worked a lot with kids doing behavior management

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and kids who were like on the autism spectrum and

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things like that. I did this for a number of years,

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and I worked privately with a family who had one

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child on the autism spectrum who I mostly took care of,

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but they also.

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Had a neurotypical child.

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So especially during the holidays, you know, the neurotypical child

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definitely had there was more expectations, right. I remember going

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to work after the holidays and the mother of these

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kids was still reeling from the day before, like holidays

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were so terrible, and mostly she was really fixated on

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her oldest child, who was the neurotypical child, that she

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was just not grateful. And I just remember being taken back.

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I really didn't even understand it. And I didn't have

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kids yet, so I'm like, what is going on? And

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I just thought like, well, like, they're kids, Like in

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my head, you know, I'm thinking, like, you know, I'm

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sure it's not like a big deal, right, And I

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just really did not understand. Fast forward years later, I'm

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a parent myself, and it has definitely come up. I

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just remember really thinking back to that moment and being like, oh,

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my goodness, I kind of know exactly how this mom

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felt and really kind of struggling with those feelings of

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frustration sometimes, Oh, all this work has put into this

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event or you know whatever, all the stuff that you're doing,

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and my kids aren't grateful. So can you talk a

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little bit more about how parents can handle this.

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Yeah, let's start at the very beginning, and it starts

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with looking and watching how kids receive, so how they

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handle the act of receiving, And it starts very young,

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and I have I have a personal story about that,

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and that's how I can lend insight into this because

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this is what happened with our firstborn. But often, you know,

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kids can look ungrateful because they don't know how to receive,

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and you know, like all new parents, when our oldest

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was little, we could not figure out, you know, how

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he didn't like light up at Christmas or birthdays the

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way we thought he should. You know, like those Hallmark moments,

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you know where you picture the kids wide eyed and

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big smile and the whole sparkle. Yeah, you know that

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none of that was happening.

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You know.

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He'd open a gift and look at it and almost

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shrink a little and not being dramatic, but just.

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Kind of uncomfortable.

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And we in our first child, so we initially took

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that as just being ungrateful, and we thought, gosh, this kid,

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you know, we're drilling down on the whole, please and

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thank you, don't you know Mommy and Daddy thought of you,

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and blah blah blah, which is you know, we thought,

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you know, maybe he didn't like the toy, or you know,

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maybe he didn't understand what was happening, or maybe we

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were just raising that one kid on earth who didn't

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like unwrapping presents. You know, we we just weren't sure

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what was going on. But then our triplets came along,

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and watching all four of them side by side, everything

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finally clicked.

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You know.

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He didn't feel worthy of getting something, just because he

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was this particular kid. He was suspicious about am I

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being given that? Why I didn't earn this? And yes,

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those things.

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Do go through a little three and four five year

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old's mind, like don't second guess that. They are a

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little kind of put off by that, you know, wondering

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they're not sure how to receive.

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You know, he loved the gifts and he loved us.

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He just didn't know what to do with the feeling

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of being given something that he didn't earn or ask for.

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He was confused and that kind of came off as ungrateful.

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We thought, you know, what's really going on with this

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kid until we had the three others and we're like, okay,

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we see what's going on here.

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Kind of hit us. At that point we realized something big.

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You know, it wasn't in gratitude.

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It was actually just discomfort and awkwardness, you know, And

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the funny part is that while we were over here

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thinking that he didn't appreciate the gifts, he was over

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there thinking what's the return policy? And all this attention,

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he was not feeling comfortable about that. You know, do

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I owe somebody something? Is there some kind of script

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I'm supposed to say? He just really wasn't processing the

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whole act of receiving. And once that kind of clued

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in on us realize, oh, okay, we have to kind

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of start with the basics. And it gets back to

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what I said earlier, which is they have to have

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some emotional investment. And even a kid at three or

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four can go through their toys and select one to

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give to other children, or they can have some type

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of investment of creating artwork for somebody, or putting in

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time and thought for somebody and seeing how that feels

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getting that investment so that when somebody does it for them,

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they can start to have that appreciation and that gratitude.

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So that's when we learned something sort of you know important.

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You know that all of us should have embroidered on

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a pillow. Kids don't always know how to receive love

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on command. So and you know, honestly, adults, we struggle

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with that too. So before you jump into the hole

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he's ungrateful or say thank you or go hug grandma,

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we have to pause and ask is my kid actually

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ungrateful or just overwhelmed, unsure or feeling on the spot.

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Receiving is a skill, and appreciation is a skill, and

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gratitude is a skill. None of those skills are acquired

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from our pressure to just say thank.

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You at any age.

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This stuff takes awareness and training on our part. So

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gratitude is emotional intelligence as well as etiquette. So we

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can just sort of reframe the way we look at it,

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bringing back the whole topic of gratitude. You know, it

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does bring us to the holidays which are coming upon

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us here we got Thanksgiving coming up. The holidays is

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when gratitude really gets hijacked. You know, it's basically a

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gratitude obstacle course for us adults too, or we have

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to think of others and there's a lot of pressure,

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which is why, just circling back on my philosophy of

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gift giving, don't give me a gift. My gift to

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you is you don't have to give me a gift.

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We can eliminate a lot of stress for ourselves. But

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I digress. Kids are supposed to be thankful and polite

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and be excited and be gracious and be social and flexible,

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and you know, we're asking them to be on their

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best behavior while simultaneously running on too little sleep. Like

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when they're home from the holidays from school, they're getting

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less sleep. You know, they're probably getting too much sugar.

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I know, I do disruptive routines, itchy holiday scratchy outfits.

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You know, forty seven relatives asking do you remember me?

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You know, overstimulation that would even take an adult down,

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let alone a five year old. So we're over here,

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you know, expecting emotional intelligence and their nervous system is

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just trying not to explode.

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And this is.

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Where the gratitude gets hijacked, especially during the holidays, not

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because kids don't care and not because they're entitled, but

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because their brain is basically buffering like a slow internet connection.

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You cannot expect the child to feel gratitude when their

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system is overwhelmed. It's like asking somebody to meditate when

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the fire alarm is going off. And that's why the

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holidays are a perfect time to rethink what gratitude actually

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looks like and how to support your kid's body and

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brain so that they can access it.

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Yeah.

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I love that you mentioned that their nervous system is

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just trying not to explode, because honestly, I feel that

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way most of the time during the holidays as well,

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especially during the holidays, And I appreciate that you called

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out that it's not because they don't care, care or

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they're entitled. I think often that gets thrown around so

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easily by people, especially the last number of years that

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I've been a parent, and.

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That alone just gives me something to think about.

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I do think that as parents we jump to all

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those conclusions. I know I've been super guilty of that

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as well.

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So with that in.

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Mind, I'm not big on force thank yous, And you know,

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I love that you want to dive deeper into that

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because I think that happens a lot, you know, during

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this holiday time. To me, it just feels like inauthentic

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and I prefer to just kind of go about teaching

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my own kids that real, true gratitude that you're talking

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about today. So how can we as parents today kind

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of move past like those force thank yous and teach

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kids more like true authentic gratitude.

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Okay, well, there are some ways that force gratitude backfires.

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But let me first say that I am not against

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forcing my kids to write thank you note. All of

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this said, I am not about the whole route thank

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you whatever, just without adding some back ground, some intention,

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and some training in the background for building that gratitude.

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I will hunt you down and make sure that you

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sent the thank you note to Grandma and grandpa or

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to whoever, and that you handwrote it whatever it is. Like,

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that's something I will force. Okay, but that's the manner's part.

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But this is not what this podcast about. But still

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I think writing thank you notes is a lost art.

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But general thank please, and thank you just for the

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sake of saying please and thank you can backfire. And

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so you know, all of us have lived that moment.

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Go say thank you, give grandma a hug, you know, show.

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Them that you appreciate it.

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And that's fine. I mean, that's part of general parenting.

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What I'm saying is we should also go deeper. It's

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well intentioned and it feels like good manners, but we're

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missing some components. But for the most part, if all

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we do is stick with just the forced thank yous

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and the forced hugs.

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This is what we're going to be left with.

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So forced gratitude teaches kids to perform an appreciation and

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they're not really feeling it. It shuts down authenticity and

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replaces it with compliance. So instead of forcing them moment,

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let's teach and train and prepare our kids for the moment.

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I'm a big fan of parenting. You know, kids are

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adults in training and as parents were trainers. Here is

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what real gratitude can look like in a variety of

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different ages. So real gratitude is not just thank you,

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it's noticing the human behind the action and how kids

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access that depends entirely on.

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Your age of development.

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So say, for example, you know zero to seven, you

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do something like a mirroring, so you have role modeling

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pretty much. So when you say Grandma made this for you,

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that was so kind, then they begin to associate effort

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with meaning. Not because you demand the thank you. You're

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taking it that one step further and just adding that

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little bit of training and saying because you drew attention

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to the heart behind it. Say for tweens, you know,

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start to connect effort and intention at that age and

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tweens finally start to understand the why. They notice that,

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you know, anti baked something special that they really like

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to eat, understand that there's time and energy and care

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put into something. And you can narrate that intention by saying,

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she thought of you when she made this, and that's

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just building empathy and not just etiquette. It's empathy and

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just the thought behind her thinking of you and taking

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the time to prepare by ingredients, bake it, and bring it.

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So there's so much more than just the thank you there,

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there's that whole intention.

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And then teens, they're all about authenticity or nothing.

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You know, teens will give you one of the greatest gifts.

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They will give you the unfiltered truth. You know, if

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it feels forced or fake or staged or performative, they

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are going to reject it instantly. But when gratitude feels

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real and relational and meaningful, teens will step up effortlessly

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because they respond to sincerity and not scripts.

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Here's how you can.

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Create an environment where her gratitude kind of grows naturally

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inside your home. Kids will internalize you're noticing more than

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your instructing. They will respond more to again, your noticing

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of someone's time and care and energy and preparation for you,

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as opposed to just that quick thank you. You know,

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Grandma remembered your favorite cookies. Wasn't that thoughtful of her.

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That's just that little extra prompting, that little bit of

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investment in the moment for gratitude. You know, I love

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how cozy it feels when everybody's together. I just look

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around the house and I'll tell them, you know, my

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gratitude is that all my kids are home, and everybody's

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home safe, and isn't this cozy when we're all together?

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Just sort of planting that seed of gratitude and happiness

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inside the family.

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Sometimes just that simple sentiment.

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Really gets absorbed into the kids and makes a house

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feel like a home. Aunt Mary, you know she spent

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a lot of time making this meal for us. That

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just that noticing of time and investment from someone. Or

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you know, I noticed you helped with the ornaments. It

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made this room really feel and look special. Just that

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little extra intention and that little extra investment in the

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child will just go such a long way. This isn't micromanaging, man,

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you know, this is narrating the emotional texture of the moment.

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If your child misses a thank you, don't shame them,

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just offer the simple prompt. Hey want to go tell

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Aunt Jenny that you liked her gift. I think that

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would really make her day. So again, you're taking it

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a tiny little bit of a step further to tell

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Sue Donnellan

As a mother who has balanced raising four kids (including triplets) with a full-time business and a husband who deployed to combat five times, I fully understand the demands on parents to successfully manage a busy family life. The steep learning curve of going from one to four children almost instantly kickstarted my methods for nurturing four unique individuals. My no-nonsense, judgement-free parenting style created an environment of freedom, flexibility and self-initiated learning for our kids. After twenty years in the trenches, parenting four happy, prosperous people, there is much to share that will make the entire process stress-free, effective and fun.

Randee Moore

Randee Moore is a mom of two, a copywriter and marketing strategist who’s obsessed with learning and personal growth. With a background in psychology, she’s passionate about exploring research based ways to parent with purpose and intention. She runs on caffeine, recharges in nature, and never leaves home without a good book.

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