Sept. 10, 2025

Emotional Intelligence Made Easy on Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan

Emotional Intelligence Made Easy on Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan
Emotional Intelligence Made Easy on Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan
Word of Mom Radio
Emotional Intelligence Made Easy on Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan

Emotional Intelligence Made Easy (Toddlers → Teens) on Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan

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Season 1

Emotional Intelligence Made Easy (Toddlers → Teens)

If “Use your words” and endless lectures aren’t changing behavior, this episode gives you the missing lever: emotional intelligence + intuition…so kids read the room, trust their instincts, and make better choices (without you yelling). Why listen

  • You’re tired of meltdowns, backtalk, and power struggles.
  • You want kids who listen, self-regulate, and make wise decisions…at school, online, and with friends.
  • You need practical scripts and a simple process you can run tonight.
  • You want your child comfortable in their authentic self, making choices in alignment with who they are, not just what the crowd expects.

What you’ll learn

  • “Read the Room” for families: the SEE → FEEL → USE mini-framework kids remember.
  • How to teach kids to trust their instincts (and how you model it).
  • The shift from “fit in” to “feel in”, why it upgrades confidence, mental health, and decision-making.
  • Authentic-alignment checks kids can use: “Does this feel like me? Does it match my values and my gut?”
  • The 360 & Release Method for tough decisions
  • Real-life examples (teacher, classmate, waitress): spot the unspoken and respond wisely.
  • The neuroscience link: why parental emotion-coaching builds focus, empathy, and stress recovery.

Episode highlights

  • “Stop telling kids to ‘be nice.’ Teach them to notice.”
  • “Feel first, then choose, use the gut without the guesswork.”
  • “Do their words match their actions?”
  • “The 10-second script that calms a meltdown without a power struggle.”
  • “Why kids raised to ‘feel in’ become the ones who don’t follow the crowd.”
  • “Approval vs. alignment: raise kids who choose what’s right for them, not what’s popular.”

**Want the scripts and step-by-step plan? Go to AskMomParenting.com → Help → Fight-Free Parenting Course. Teach emotional intelligence, set real boundaries, and get kids listening—starting today. Prefer live help? Book a free 30-minute consult. Leave with one step you can use tonight.

🔗 Links & Resources:
· Free Facebook Group: Yell-Free Parenting for Exhausted Moms
· Sue’s Book: Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a F^ck
· Want 1-on-1 coaching? Book here
· Get Sue’s Weekly Newsletter: Subscribe now
· AskMomParenting.com on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, and YouTube.

Thanks for listening! Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with a mom who needs to hear it.

We thank Smith Sisters and the Sunday Drivers for our theme song, "She is You".

Be sure to connect with us and come tell us your story!

WordofMomRadio.com - sharing the wisdom of women, in business and in life.

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WEBVTT

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She is, brave, is bray, she is she is you.

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You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on

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the Word of Mom Media Network.

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Hi, and welcome back to the esque Mom podcast. Because

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parenting is everything. I'm Sue and with me is Randy

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and this is your no bullshit, no filter, zero guilt

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parenting reboot. Whether you're deep in the toddler tantrums, navigating

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tween and teen drama, or somewhere in between, you'll get

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clarity and actionables tools one episode at a time. So again,

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welcome back to the esque Mom podcast, where we bring

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an honest approach to parenting. Today, we're digging into something

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that will change how you approach your parenting, and this

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is how to use emotional intelligence and intuition so that

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your kids can read a room, read between the lines,

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and read a person so that they can become wise

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decision makers. So the title of today's podcast is Emotional

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Intelligence Made Easy Toddler's to Teens. But this is one

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of my favorite subjects. So I just love talking about

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the unseen, the instincts, intuition, all of that stuff and

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how it applies to parenting because it's super important. So

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when I refer to emotional intelligence. What I mean is

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using our built in Spidey senses to boost either situational

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awareness or empathy or confidence.

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In our kids. It's noticing what's.

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Between the lines and weighing the unspoken alongside with the spoken,

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so that your child can make the best informed choices

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at any moment. This skill is vitally important to weave

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into our parenting and into the skill sets that we

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instill into our kids. We want kids who are taught

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to rely on using their own gut instincts and not.

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Just using their words.

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We're teaching kids not just to hear what someone says,

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but to consider why they're saying it and whether their

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actions are matching their words. So, for example, having your

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kids ask themselves, what is this person really trying to

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tell me? Without using their words? What do they really

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want you to know about them? Based on the choices

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they've made. You can look at clothing, jewelry, choices, posture expression,

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and then do their words line up with what you've noticed.

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So say, for example, back to school night, you have

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a new teacher and you look at the teacher and

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they're wearing this neat blazer and tidy hair and a

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stack of color coated folders upright posture, they're engaged, they're

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making eye contact. So what is this teacher telling me

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right away? Without their words, they're telling me that they're

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organized and they value preparation.

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So now check the words. And if they say we're

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going to keep.

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Routines simple and consistent, when now I'm like, okay, everything

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matches and I don't need to be reading between any allies.

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Everything's matching up. And you can ask your kids do.

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Those words line up with what you noticed? And for

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the kids, the takeaway is that with this teacher, clear

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routines and being ready matters to them. Another example would be,

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you know a new classmate at recess. You know, you

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see that this person is outside, they're wearing you know,

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they've got a big smile, and they've got lots of

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jewelry and bright clothes, and you're thinking this person must

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be out going in fun. But then you know, you

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talk to them and they've got a very hesitant, shy

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hello to you. So now you might be able to

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read that, Okay, well, maybe this person is wearing bright

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colors and jewelry, and even though they're smiling, their exterior

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is not matching with how they're behaving. Maybe they're just shy,

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maybe they just had a fight with their mom at home,

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or whatever.

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It gives me empathy.

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It teaches kids how to read between the lines and

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make an assessment of a situation that informs their choices.

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You know.

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In Korea, by age three, kids learn something called nun shechi.

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I'm not sure if that's how you say it, but

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nunchi is essentially how to read a room. So by three,

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Korean children are learning how to do that. In Italy,

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where half my family is from, kids are encouraged to

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trust their intuition and connect to their inner knowing, which

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is pretty.

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Much you know. It's called opening our third eye, you know.

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Meanwhile, in the US, kids are often told to ignore

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their feelings and stop overreacting and just do what they're

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told or comply. So what if instead of dismissing emotions,

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we taught kids to use them, and kids can tune

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into their gut read a room, grow into resilient, empathetic,

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confident adults where they can trust themselves and not the crowd.

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I don't know about you, but I don't want my

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kids relying on the crowd. I wanted them to be

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able to pick up on nuances that were going on

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and resort into their own selves to find out what

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they think is really happening. When kids are taught to

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listen to their existing emotional intelligence, they become better decision

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makers overall, and they make more empathetic friends, partners, and

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just people in general. We often praise a child who

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seems to have wisdom beyond their years, like it's some

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unattainable skill that you're born with. But shout out to

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all parents, your child doesn't need to be born with it.

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They already are. Wisdom can be taught by you, and

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our instincts and intuition are already pre existing inside of us.

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Today, we're going to walk you.

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Through how to show your kids to connec with that. So,

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as I mentioned, I grew up in a half Italian

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family where intuition wasn't just acknowledged, it was a price

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skill that we developed. Listening to the hair stand up

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on the back of your head was like a life

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skill that we were expected to use.

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But then as a parent, I noticed how easy.

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It is to sort of shove those gut signals aside

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because they don't come with proof those people that they

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think it's too woo woo to listen to your instincts

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or to your gut, and they think that.

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It's if I can't see it, it's not there.

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So I temporarily lost sight of the gift that I

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nurtured in myself and learned to control instead. The harder

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I tried to control my kids or make them listen

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or behave, the less I trusted my own inner cues,

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and the less I trusted myself, the more off course

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we all went, and the less equipped my kids were

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to trust.

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Their own instincts.

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When I finally reconnected with my inner self, I loosened

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my grip and two things happened. My own intuition sharpened,

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and wow, was I starting to receive messages I was

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starting to see. I really just lost the control and

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was able to relax a little bit more and begin

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to see all of my four kids as the distinct

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souls that they are. So Number two, that meant recognizing

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that they're here for their own journey and lessons, and

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my role is simply to facilitate, in guide, not micromanage, because,

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as any parent will tell you who's already been through parenting,

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like I have everything works out. So I know that's

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not easy to hear when you're living in the moment,

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but it truly does, especially when we listen to our

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gut and our emotional intelligence. That shift from control to

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trust in myself and my kids in themselves moved me

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from a more reactionary, overwhelmed mom to a steadier, more

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assured parent who checks in with instinct prior to responding,

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and that created space for each child to learn the

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same and have the space to grow into the individual

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that they're meant to be. Focusing on emotional intelligence reoriented

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my goal as a parent, so now I began focusing

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on helping my kids find their unique purpose in this world,

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help them connect to what gets them out of bed

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in the morning, and then to their own gifts to

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add value to the world. And not surprisingly, that started

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by me adjusting my approach first to parenting.

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I can definitely relate as well. My mother really instilled

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in me to kind of hone my intuition as well.

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I think a lot of it just having to do

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with she raised two daughters and she wanted us to

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make sure we were able to, you know, be able

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to read people and kind of trust people and felt

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like she kind of made it. It was her sense

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of like instilling like street smarts in us for the

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purpose of people. But also when you become a parent,

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it's easy, like you said, it's easy for that just to.

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Kind of go away.

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And for me, one example that I experienced was my daughter.

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She has a birthday in August, and so I knew

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as soon as she was born in August that our

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situation with school was going to be very interesting because

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she can either go and be the youngest or she

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can go and be the oldest.

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And so you know, it's easy.

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Today there's line advice social media, schools daycares.

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You're inundated with advice. My gut was to just do.

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A later start to kindergarten, partly because my parents did

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that with me and I was the oldest always, and

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that was helpful. And it was a struggle because academically

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she could have done it, and that's what I feel

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like most people were focused on academically, just send her.

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But I was just like, there's just so many.

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Transitions in life like that. I think there was a

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little social emotional skills with her that could have been developed.

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And then I thought would be if we did that.

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And then also just like going into middle school, middle

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school to high school.

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To college, so we did that.

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But also because it's easy to second guess yourself, especially

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when you're a parent, even if you've kind of honed

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your intuition, I sort of started asking around, and interestingly enough,

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everyone I knew in teaching or in psychology totally agreed.

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They said to me, you'll never regret doing a later start,

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but you may regret sending early. So there's just an

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example there that I was really glad that I listened

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to my intuition there. But yeah, it's we're in the

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information age, and it can silence our intuition. But I

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think when we show our kids that we're listening to ourselves,

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they learned to listen to theirs too.

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I love that you used street smarts, and that is

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literally my whole thing. You bring all the studies and

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the science to this relationship, and I'm I'm a street

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smart type of jump off the roof and the net

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will appear type of person.

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You know.

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That's how I parented, kind of by the seat of

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my pants, and I really did.

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Lean into my instincts.

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But I love that you're talking about how you're using that.

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I do love that whole street Smart's angle because I

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think that it's important to have both. You need to

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be well read, you need to know the science, but

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you also need to listen to what your body is

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telling you. And that's why emotional intelligence matters, because emotional

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intelligence means helping kids in ways that standard parenting hasn't

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been focusing on. It helps them recognize and name their

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feelings and use those feelings for information not weapons, and

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trust their instincts in social and emotional situations, listening to

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their inner selves. A Stanford study last year showed that

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kids whose parents use emotional coaching language literally have prefrontal

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cortuses that are twenty three percent thicker by age ten.

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And the translation to that is adding emotional intelligence to

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our bag of tricks is how we rewrite and rewire

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their brains for better choices, deeper focus, empathy, and resilience.

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And that's not just fluff, that's neuroscience. That's your side, Randy.

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Yeah, And that's the part that excites me, The neuroscience

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behind it, the fact that it isn't just necessarily feel

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good parenting. You know that it actually does have a

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lot of science behind it that we can actually feel

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we're wiring our kids' brains for resilience and better decision making.

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And I do a lot of reading when I can

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about rewiring the brain, and just to say, for any

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parent who might be listening, it's definitely possible. I think

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there's a lot of parents, especially if you're looking to

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hone that skill in yourself, to think, oh, it's too late,

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But really, it's never too late to rewire the brain.

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Even if it's things you haven't learned or habits you're

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trying to change, or building your own intuition, it's definitely

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not too late to change.

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You can always rewire the brain.

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And I know we're going to talk about ways to

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put this into practice later on in this episode, so

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definitely stay tuned for that. Also, it's interesting that we

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were talking about this because I literally just found out,

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I don't know, maybe five days ago, that some categories

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and social emotional learning are going to be showing up

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on my kids.

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Report cards this year.

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What about Yeah, So you know, and I know I

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realize that sometimes I live in a bubble. I feel like,

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you know, I just assume like school where I live

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is school where everyone lives, and you know, there is

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a big push for social emotional learning and so I'm

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lucky there.

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But it's not it's going to be great.

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It's very new and I forget the exact categories, but

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there's like five categories of social emotional learning that the

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kids will all get some kind of letter. I think,

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like it's not a grade, but they'll let us know

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if they're progressing, if they're you know, where they are.

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That's exciting.

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So it's really a great idea that the school is

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incorporating emotional intelligence. Now, I mean I'm hoping, I'm hoping

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that that's what they're getting to the bottom of and

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that's what they're looking for. But that's fantastic. I love

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that that's that your school is doing that. And by

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the way, while we're on the subject of school, can

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you please explain to me why are we using the

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word rising rising senior, rising sophomore.

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Have you heard this new term?

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Actually no, I haven't.

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What is that seeing in print, seeing it all over

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the place? Why are we talking rising in every student?

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It's all now rising, he's a rising fifth grader, he's

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a rising Senior's interesting?

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I never heard of that.

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Collectively interviews, they all.

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Decided like these are the new talking points, and they're

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using the word rising. Maybe if somebody is listening, why

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they can send me a message at eskimal parenting dot

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com because I would love to know what's going on there.

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That's really a great story, and I hope that more

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schools are out there doing that, and if teachers are listening,

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please start incorporating that in to where we're measuring. I

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know that there's no our instincts the unseen. It's not measurable,

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it's not proof, but it is an aspect of how

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our kids are behaving, and it is an aspect of

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what should be measured and what should be considered in

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their behavior.

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So I think that's awesome.

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Yeah, it's definitely really really neat, and I know that

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a lot of the work that goes into it is

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actually stuff that you'll be talking about later, naming feelings

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and things like that. So it's really really neat to see.

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So when we talk about emotional intelligence, we talk about

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what are the actual benefits for kids? Why should it

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as a parent, why should I be considering adding this

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into my bag of tricks as a parent, Here's what

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we start to see when a kid starts trusting their

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inner messages, when they start connecting with their own body

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and they start feeling what they feel and understanding and

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attaching meaning to what their body is trying to tell them.

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That means self regulation becomes quicker for the child and

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meltdowns become fewer.

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We all like that idea.

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Relationships become stronger and more intentional and meaningful because empathy

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and connection is deeper, and we start to see less conflict.

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Choices become smarter. So kids, when they're connecting to their

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inner guide, they're spotting red flags quicker, they're resisting pressure,

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and they're saying no, which is still in confidence essentially,

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and then independence grows and they grow into grounded, trustworthy

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adults who others follows. They become leaders and not followers.

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Here's some ways to teach this at home. I've got

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five ways that we can start using techniques to incorporate

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emotional intelligence into.

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Our overall parenting.

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One of the reasons why you want to do this

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is because it actually does mean less parenting for us. Right,

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So this isn't just one more thing to task parents.

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It's one more thing to connect with the intuitiveness and

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the knowledge that we already have and teaching our kids

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to connect with that for themselves. He makes them happier,

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helps them find their purpose, and actually it results in

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less parenting for us.

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So we like that.

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You don't need a PhD or to be a paid

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psychic to connect to emotional intelligence. We're already born with

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this ability and we just need to start prioritizing it

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in our parenting. Try these five simple ideas if you

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want to start using it in your family. Number one,

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model a gut check out loud so you can narrate

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yours and teach your child to narrate theirs. You can

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say my chest feels a little tight, my gut is

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telling me to wait, or my stomach has butterflies, I

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feel excited. How do you feel? You know what is

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your body telling you? And then just check in with that.

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And Number two, practice reading a room. This is a

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skill most people can could use, especially even when they're

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behind the wheel driving kids to frame it in a

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way that see it, feel it, use it. So this

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this was successful for us. So see it means notice

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their face, their voice, their pace, their eyes, their posture,

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and then feel what you're seeing. If I were them,

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I might feel this way and then use it. Use

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my feelings that i've noticed respond with kindness, patience, or empathy.

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So here's some examples. If you're out at.

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A restaurant and you want to teach your kids these skills,

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Say the restaurant server is smiling, but her shoulders are

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slumped and her voice is rushed, and her eyes are

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darting back and forth. Maybe she was late to the table,

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So then we see that. Now we feel that she's

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probably juggling a lot. Maybe she has twice as many

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tables and she just can't keep up.

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So now I'm going to see it. I felt it,

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Now I'm using it.

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And I'm going to teach my child with this information,

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all unseen, just observational. We're not in a rush. We'll

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all order it once. Let's all have our order ready

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to go. So when she comes here, we can kind

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of hit the ground running, give her or order, and

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maybe we can help stack the plates at the end,

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anything we can do to be helpful so that we

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can get served faster. But we can also take something

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off her plate pun intended. Say you see a friend

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at school and she's extra quiet that day. So what

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you're going to see is fewer words, maybe rounded shoulders,

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short replies.

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She's just extra quiet.

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And what I'm going to feel about that is that

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she might need space or a gentle check in. Could

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something be wrong at home or maybe I said or

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did something that upset her? And how I'm going to

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use that will be you seem quiet today?

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Is everything? Okay? Do you want company or do you

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want space? And I'm here if you want to talk later.

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Going back to the restaurant idea, I wanted to share.

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Something that we did with the kids was just really

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really fun, and this is good at any age.

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This was so much fun.

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So when you get to the restaurant and they give

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you the coloring books and the crans, and you get

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any kind of little crans, but you could just bring

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crans with you. You don't even need them from the restaurant.

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We would do the intuition game. And I think this

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is an original. I don't I just made this up.

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I don't know if it's anything that's already out there,

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but we would take the crans and everybody would close

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their eyes on I'd have three krans and I would

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take pick one when their eyes were closed and.

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They would have to guess the collar.

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So sometimes if they couldn't get it, I would give

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them a clue, but I would have them touch my hand.

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What was your first instinct? What do you think it is?

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And they would incorporate all these feelings, all this emotional

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intelligence into this, and oh my gosh, we would have

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two or three out of the six of us little

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games going with whoever was next to us. So that's

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like a fun thing to do that gets kids heads

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out of screens, gets kids from throwing things off the

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table or whatever, just keeping them busy and keeping us

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engaged with our kids so that we're out building memories

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at the restaurant and making it fun for the families.

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I just wanted to share that little bit.

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A third idea is to use emotional intelligence for making

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an extra sticky or hard decision. This is another thing

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that I really like to use with the kids, and

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I actually use this myself and it is so effective.

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It's what I call it three sixty in release.

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So I'm going to apply a three hundred and sixty

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degree angle at my problem. So anything that's just sticky

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and extra heart, I just don't know what to do.

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I'm going to roll around in every angle. I'm going

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to consider every option and the outcome of that option

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for my problem, and then I'm going to release it.

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I'm going to really wallow in the problem, think of

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this scenario, that scenario, how could this play out? And

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then I'm gonna walk away. I'm gonna pivot. I'm gonna

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walk away. I'm gonna move onto something different, and I'm

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going to know in my I'm going to trust that

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the right answer always reveals itself, because it always does.

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You're gonna get a nudge.

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It might be tomorrow, might be when you wake up

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in the morning when you get your messages. You might

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get your messages in the show, and you might wake

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up in the morning and be like, wait, why did

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that come into my head? My kids always know, guys,

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I got a message, but follow up with this one.

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So I'm I'm really in touch with my intuition. I

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tell the kids, once you roll around in it, and

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then you walk away and then trust. It might be

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an hour later, it might be in the morning, it

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might be in a week, but you're gonna get the

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nudge and something else is going to happen. To make

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your choice obvious, and you know, sometimes just the passing

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of time solves it and after a day or two,

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clarity will come upon you and the answers are obvious

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as to Wow, why this wasn't even a problem for me.

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If you give it to to land and trust, what's

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right for you does reveal itself. It's an incredibly powerful

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model for helping make decisions and getting kids to connect

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with this powerful system that we already have within us.

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No one else can answer our questions, especially the hard ones.

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We know what we feel, you know, we know what

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we think, and we know it's right for us. And

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as parents, we're just simply guides showing our kids how

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to listen to themselves and they know and can get

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to their own right answer. So that's another little trick

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that I think, like I said, I use and I

437
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taught the kids to use.

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Number four is vision boards. I love doing vision boards

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with the kids. I'm going to say.

440
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Ninety percent of the time that we any of us

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created a vision board, over ninety percent of the time.

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That goal was achieved.

443
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Wow.

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We had kids at every age love to cut out

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things from the news.

446
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You know.

447
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Even my daughter with her boyfriend on college, like they

448
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do vision boards together.

449
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It's really cute.

450
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When one of my kids was young, he did a

451
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vision board for or gymnastics and he ended up getting

452
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first at Stay two years in a row moms that

453
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I coached, she also has triplets, and she told me

454
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a great story. She had a little motor home on

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her desk, and it took her years and years to

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save money until finally the kids are about eight, she

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was able to afford the motorhome and the kids have

458
00:21:12.440 --> 00:21:14.400
gone camping and they put their mountain bikes in there,

459
00:21:14.440 --> 00:21:16.400
and they go fishing, and so that was the first thing.

460
00:21:16.440 --> 00:21:18.680
And then just recently she had a little fun that

461
00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:21.160
she told them about. For the last like ten years,

462
00:21:21.359 --> 00:21:24.640
her VCD dream okay, and that was for the county

463
00:21:24.680 --> 00:21:26.680
where she lives in, and she was saving money to

464
00:21:26.680 --> 00:21:29.079
be able to buy a home on the lake. And

465
00:21:29.440 --> 00:21:31.559
just last week her and I met and she told

466
00:21:31.599 --> 00:21:33.400
me that she was able to realize the dream and

467
00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:35.319
the kids. One of the first things that her daughter

468
00:21:35.359 --> 00:21:39.079
said was, mommy VCD dream came true.

469
00:21:40.160 --> 00:21:44.079
You know, parents can do it, visualization, manifestation, it's all

470
00:21:44.160 --> 00:21:47.559
super powerful, super important. Kids can do it when they're young.

471
00:21:47.559 --> 00:21:49.319
And they can also see you do it. So that's

472
00:21:49.359 --> 00:21:52.599
a great fun family activity. But the fun thing is

473
00:21:52.640 --> 00:21:55.200
to keep the boards and then look back at them

474
00:21:55.200 --> 00:21:57.599
a few years later and be like wow, like we

475
00:21:57.759 --> 00:22:00.519
really brought this to us, Like it's so empowered and

476
00:22:00.599 --> 00:22:03.640
so powerful. And then the last idea is to build

477
00:22:03.720 --> 00:22:05.799
emotional a queue into everyday life.

478
00:22:05.839 --> 00:22:07.839
And we've kind of already talked about this, but say,

479
00:22:07.880 --> 00:22:10.359
in car rides, you know, name one signal that you

480
00:22:10.480 --> 00:22:13.559
noticed someday. Like in car rides, you can ask your kids,

481
00:22:13.640 --> 00:22:16.599
name one signal that you noticed in someone today, A face,

482
00:22:17.200 --> 00:22:20.400
a voice, a pace, Like, what's one thing you noticed

483
00:22:20.400 --> 00:22:24.960
today that was unspoken, but just a visual something that

484
00:22:24.960 --> 00:22:27.079
you picked up on? So like a unique conversation in

485
00:22:27.079 --> 00:22:29.039
the car more than just like how is your day?

486
00:22:29.119 --> 00:22:35.279
These are unique, unseen emotional intelligence inducing conversations at dinner.

487
00:22:35.480 --> 00:22:37.000
You know, the rose, the thorn, the gut.

488
00:22:37.279 --> 00:22:40.519
So there is a rose, the thorn, the bud technique,

489
00:22:40.640 --> 00:22:42.799
but I use the rose the thorn. So what was

490
00:22:42.839 --> 00:22:45.079
the best thing that happened, what was the hard thing

491
00:22:45.079 --> 00:22:46.920
that happened? And what was the one thing your gut

492
00:22:46.960 --> 00:22:49.359
told you that didn't steer you wrong? So we can

493
00:22:49.400 --> 00:22:52.799
talk about that at dinner or bedtime. What's one tricky.

494
00:22:52.559 --> 00:22:54.279
Choice that you have to make for tomorrow.

495
00:22:54.359 --> 00:22:56.960
Let's look at all your choices, then set it down

496
00:22:57.480 --> 00:22:59.759
and see what shows up tomorrow. And that's a variation

497
00:22:59.839 --> 00:23:02.759
of the idea that is the three sixty and release idea.

498
00:23:02.880 --> 00:23:05.119
So those are the five ideas to help incorporate it

499
00:23:05.119 --> 00:23:06.680
into your parenting every day.

500
00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:09.559
I love these because you know, they're so easy just

501
00:23:09.599 --> 00:23:12.519
to start doing, and I love that they're not only

502
00:23:12.680 --> 00:23:15.440
techniques that you could just start doing today. We gave

503
00:23:15.480 --> 00:23:19.200
the real world application to it, which I think is

504
00:23:19.359 --> 00:23:21.960
really important. You can see how this plays out in

505
00:23:21.960 --> 00:23:25.319
real life, because it really is then developing a.

506
00:23:25.279 --> 00:23:27.200
Life skill, a very important life skill.

507
00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:28.920
And I'm definitely going to be trying some of these

508
00:23:28.920 --> 00:23:31.759
out because I've been trying to work on my kids

509
00:23:31.839 --> 00:23:35.359
with this. And it's funny because they're just both so different.

510
00:23:35.519 --> 00:23:38.640
One's very good at naming their feelings and talking about

511
00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:41.839
the feelings, the other is very closed off. One can

512
00:23:41.880 --> 00:23:45.440
read people's body language better than the other, and I

513
00:23:45.480 --> 00:23:48.440
think they're both need work on maybe noticing if a

514
00:23:48.480 --> 00:23:52.440
friend's not treating you nice in those areas, so you know,

515
00:23:52.519 --> 00:23:54.400
as you were talking. I was like, oh, these will

516
00:23:54.480 --> 00:23:57.680
all be really great things to try as well.

517
00:23:57.720 --> 00:23:59.480
One thing I wanted to add to that, it's funny

518
00:23:59.480 --> 00:24:00.880
to get out of the four kids we have, all

519
00:24:00.920 --> 00:24:05.000
four are very intuitive, but one was very very black

520
00:24:05.039 --> 00:24:07.200
and white, and it reminds me of a child that you

521
00:24:07.240 --> 00:24:10.440
were just talking about, and she is black and white.

522
00:24:10.480 --> 00:24:13.359
There's only right, there's only wrong, and she did not.

523
00:24:13.480 --> 00:24:15.880
So I remember going, Okay, I've got the other ones

524
00:24:15.920 --> 00:24:18.680
that are very very comfortable in the unseen world and

525
00:24:18.799 --> 00:24:21.400
very very very very comfortable ebbing and flowing.

526
00:24:21.480 --> 00:24:22.960
But she was like, it's a rule.

527
00:24:23.279 --> 00:24:23.440
You know.

528
00:24:23.559 --> 00:24:26.680
She's now in law school, so that makes sense. But

529
00:24:27.640 --> 00:24:32.440
I spent a bunch of time parenting the gray. So

530
00:24:32.519 --> 00:24:36.079
sometimes when you see a child really drilling down on

531
00:24:36.160 --> 00:24:38.920
black and white and right and wrong, you know, I

532
00:24:39.000 --> 00:24:42.559
make jokes about how you know she she's a rule follower.

533
00:24:42.640 --> 00:24:44.079
I never met a rule I didn't want to break.

534
00:24:44.160 --> 00:24:46.799
I teach the kids, like you said, street smarts, like

535
00:24:47.160 --> 00:24:49.839
you rid out be entrepreneurial. And my husband is very

536
00:24:49.920 --> 00:24:53.480
very much a rule follower, So we came at both sides.

537
00:24:53.519 --> 00:24:56.240
But when a child is more of that black and

538
00:24:56.240 --> 00:24:58.160
white way of looking at life.

539
00:24:58.200 --> 00:24:59.400
I really did try to.

540
00:24:59.319 --> 00:25:02.039
Help blur the lines and understand the gray, and it

541
00:25:02.079 --> 00:25:05.640
did take her about another ten years to really incorporate that,

542
00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:09.119
But now she's there and it's great because it's informing

543
00:25:09.119 --> 00:25:12.680
her law studies and it's informing how lawyer. We have

544
00:25:12.759 --> 00:25:14.720
to be empathetic and we have to understand, you know,

545
00:25:14.759 --> 00:25:17.880
people aren't robots, and how can we overcome that whole

546
00:25:18.000 --> 00:25:18.839
is only right is wrong?

547
00:25:18.880 --> 00:25:20.839
I need proved. It doesn't show me prove it.

548
00:25:20.960 --> 00:25:23.039
You know, we don't always need the proof because we

549
00:25:23.039 --> 00:25:25.839
can listen to ourselves and we can incorporate all the

550
00:25:25.920 --> 00:25:28.799
aspects of what we're seeing and see how that will

551
00:25:29.160 --> 00:25:30.400
make our decision for us.

552
00:25:30.920 --> 00:25:33.279
Yeah, I love that too, because that actually is so

553
00:25:33.319 --> 00:25:35.599
funny when you were saying that, that's exactly another thing

554
00:25:35.599 --> 00:25:38.759
I was thinking about saying as well, because as someone

555
00:25:38.759 --> 00:25:42.519
who I've just started kind of recently incorporating this with

556
00:25:42.680 --> 00:25:45.119
my kids, I could definitely say it definitely takes time.

557
00:25:45.200 --> 00:25:47.240
So it's interesting that you were saying that you know,

558
00:25:47.319 --> 00:25:49.640
for some it could take years, because that's what I'm noticing.

559
00:25:49.680 --> 00:25:52.839
It's definitely not something overnight, but it's also very easy

560
00:25:52.880 --> 00:25:54.880
just to like work into your everyday life.

561
00:25:54.880 --> 00:25:56.359
Like some of the examples you gave.

562
00:25:56.400 --> 00:25:59.279
Well, as parents, we are many psychologists, even though we've

563
00:25:59.279 --> 00:26:00.680
never gone to school for that, we kind of have

564
00:26:00.759 --> 00:26:03.200
to understand each kid, read each kid, and give each

565
00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:06.440
child what they need because they are ultimately all here

566
00:26:06.440 --> 00:26:08.839
on their own journey. They are all here to serve

567
00:26:08.920 --> 00:26:11.680
their own purpose and discover what unique talents they have

568
00:26:11.880 --> 00:26:13.920
and where they add value to the world.

569
00:26:14.240 --> 00:26:15.559
And I'm really big about that.

570
00:26:15.640 --> 00:26:18.680
And you can't get there for the child unless you

571
00:26:18.720 --> 00:26:21.440
are enhancing that inner dialogue.

572
00:26:21.640 --> 00:26:22.720
So say you're.

573
00:26:22.640 --> 00:26:24.920
Listening and you're thinking, I want to do this, but

574
00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:27.359
I feel like there's going to be some challenges. Why

575
00:26:27.400 --> 00:26:32.279
don't most parents do this because it isn't modeled or measured,

576
00:26:32.319 --> 00:26:35.799
and schools rarely prioritize emotional intelligence the way the real

577
00:26:35.839 --> 00:26:38.279
world does. Although I'm really excited that your school is

578
00:26:38.319 --> 00:26:41.720
starting to do that. But overall, as parents, we're just tapped.

579
00:26:41.799 --> 00:26:45.359
We're tapped out ourselves. We're just going through motions and

580
00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:47.599
you know, most of us were never taught this type

581
00:26:47.640 --> 00:26:50.839
of self regulation or this self connection, and sitting with

582
00:26:50.960 --> 00:26:54.839
big feelings can feel uncomfortable. As we teach the skills,

583
00:26:54.880 --> 00:26:57.920
the waves of the feelings do get smaller and the

584
00:26:58.000 --> 00:27:01.400
recovery gets faster when we're listening to ourselves because we're

585
00:27:01.440 --> 00:27:05.000
teaching authenticity. We are teaching kids to be authentic to themselves,

586
00:27:05.079 --> 00:27:08.480
be true to themselves. Anytime you're getting external inputs from

587
00:27:08.519 --> 00:27:12.200
other people or from groupthink or from social media, when

588
00:27:12.279 --> 00:27:16.519
kids are not in alignment with themselves and how it

589
00:27:16.599 --> 00:27:20.920
lines up with the messages they're getting externally, that misalignment

590
00:27:21.160 --> 00:27:22.799
is where they kind of go wrong, and that's where

591
00:27:22.799 --> 00:27:25.720
they start to get confused. So our culture tends to

592
00:27:26.480 --> 00:27:30.279
reward grades and obedience over self connection. All are important,

593
00:27:30.279 --> 00:27:33.440
even though I didn't care so much about grades. Remember, though,

594
00:27:33.480 --> 00:27:36.920
that emotional intelligence doesn't just teach kids to fit in.

595
00:27:37.160 --> 00:27:38.079
It teaches them to.

596
00:27:38.160 --> 00:27:42.359
Feel in so to hear their gut louder and rise

597
00:27:42.400 --> 00:27:45.119
above the crowd. They hear themselves over the crowd, and

598
00:27:45.160 --> 00:27:47.960
then they see beneath the obvious, and then they start

599
00:27:47.960 --> 00:27:50.599
to trust their own inner compass, which you're helping them

600
00:27:50.599 --> 00:27:53.720
build as parents. We're raising kids to read a room,

601
00:27:54.079 --> 00:27:57.119
not just the rules. So now, what kind of challenge

602
00:27:57.160 --> 00:27:59.200
can we do for this week that you know, we

603
00:27:59.240 --> 00:28:01.599
always promise that there's some type of actionable tool that

604
00:28:01.640 --> 00:28:04.039
you can take, something that you can pull away, learn

605
00:28:04.079 --> 00:28:06.720
and incorporate into your parenting to make it a little

606
00:28:06.720 --> 00:28:10.279
bit more user friendly. So here's your challenge this week.

607
00:28:10.440 --> 00:28:13.039
Next time your child meilts down, pause and try to

608
00:28:13.119 --> 00:28:16.759
use some emotional IQ of methods. Ask the child, what

609
00:28:16.799 --> 00:28:18.920
does your body tell you right now? Is it tight

610
00:28:19.119 --> 00:28:22.039
or loose? And what's your first instinct? Ask them the

611
00:28:22.160 --> 00:28:25.119
questions and have them answer and connect. So this can

612
00:28:25.160 --> 00:28:27.359
happen even at two or three. Sometimes, you know, if

613
00:28:27.359 --> 00:28:29.759
we're trying to overcome a tantrum where it's just a phase,

614
00:28:30.160 --> 00:28:33.119
they might not be able to connect. But sometimes four, five, six, seven,

615
00:28:33.440 --> 00:28:37.079
we could still start to say, what's your body telling you? Okay,

616
00:28:37.119 --> 00:28:39.039
so then what do you think you should do about that?

617
00:28:39.160 --> 00:28:42.200
And now they're owning that behavior, they're owning the result

618
00:28:42.559 --> 00:28:43.039
and how.

619
00:28:42.920 --> 00:28:43.599
They solve it.

620
00:28:43.920 --> 00:28:46.279
So if your body is tight, you know you can

621
00:28:46.400 --> 00:28:49.440
pause and consider why why am I feeling tight?

622
00:28:49.480 --> 00:28:50.759
Why am I feeling withdrawn?

623
00:28:50.839 --> 00:28:53.000
And if it's slims then maybe they're just feeling comfortable

624
00:28:53.039 --> 00:28:55.200
with that idea and it's not so much of a problem.

625
00:28:55.240 --> 00:28:57.240
So a couple quick ideas that you can try today

626
00:28:57.400 --> 00:29:01.240
at dinner ask your kids around the tablet one signal,

627
00:29:01.480 --> 00:29:05.519
name one emotional, intelligent moment that you can remember from today,

628
00:29:05.519 --> 00:29:07.920
whether it's for you or whether somebody else said I

629
00:29:07.960 --> 00:29:10.200
feel this way, I feel that way. Where who else

630
00:29:10.279 --> 00:29:13.200
listened to their instincts? Spot one and see if everybody

631
00:29:13.279 --> 00:29:16.279
go around the table and mention something. And then at bedtime,

632
00:29:16.480 --> 00:29:18.799
just a reminder, the rose, the thorn, the gut, the

633
00:29:18.839 --> 00:29:21.319
best thing of your day, What was the hardest thing

634
00:29:21.359 --> 00:29:23.319
of your day, And what was one thing that your

635
00:29:23.359 --> 00:29:26.680
got told you that you listened, that you listened to

636
00:29:26.759 --> 00:29:29.000
yourself and what your body was telling you. So thanks

637
00:29:29.039 --> 00:29:31.200
for listening today. And if you like these ideas and

638
00:29:31.240 --> 00:29:34.039
you want scripts, tools or a step by step guide

639
00:29:34.039 --> 00:29:36.759
to make this easier, check out my fight free parenting

640
00:29:36.839 --> 00:29:40.079
course which is on my website at ask mom Parenting

641
00:29:40.240 --> 00:29:43.519
under the get help section. Thanks for listening and happy parenting.

642
00:29:46.400 --> 00:29:48.960
She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, she

643
00:29:49.039 --> 00:29:54.240
is strong, she is true, she is true, she is brave, brave,

644
00:29:54.359 --> 00:29:58.079
she is she is you. She is you. She is you.

645
00:29:58.319 --> 00:30:01.480
She is sure, she she is sure, she is strong,

646
00:30:01.559 --> 00:30:05.640
she is strong, she is true, she is true, she

647
00:30:05.720 --> 00:30:09.200
is brave, she is bold, she she is you.

648
00:30:09.720 --> 00:30:10.759
Is you, She is you.

649
00:30:11.039 --> 00:30:14.480
She is sure of herself. Yes, she takes care of his.

650
00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:19.880
Powerful and strong. Yes, she knows who she is, has integrity, woman,

651
00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:23.160
strong and true. You know her by name. See this

652
00:30:23.200 --> 00:30:27.440
woman is you. She is sure, she is strong, is strong,

653
00:30:27.519 --> 00:30:33.000
she is true, is true, she is brave, she is bold,

654
00:30:33.039 --> 00:30:35.880
she is she is you. She is you, she is

655
00:30:37.039 --> 00:30:41.000
she is sure, she is strong, is strong, she is true,

656
00:30:41.279 --> 00:30:46.119
is true, she is brave, she is bold, she is

657
00:30:46.480 --> 00:30:47.160
she is you.

658
00:30:47.400 --> 00:30:47.960
She is you.

659
00:30:48.240 --> 00:30:52.720
She is adds value and hope, has proved to be brave.

660
00:30:52.960 --> 00:30:56.880
See it's never too late, never time to behave Reaching

661
00:30:56.960 --> 00:31:01.759
for dreams doesn't matter. The age believes it herself from

662
00:31:01.759 --> 00:31:04.799
her cage. She is sure, she is sure, she is strong,

663
00:31:05.079 --> 00:31:09.720
is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave,

664
00:31:10.519 --> 00:31:16.839
she is bold, she is you. She she is sure,

665
00:31:16.160 --> 00:31:20.079
she is strong, she is strong, she is true, is true,

666
00:31:21.720 --> 00:31:25.160
she is brave, is brave, she is she is she

667
00:31:25.319 --> 00:31:25.519
is you.
Sue Donnellan Profile Photo
Sue Donnellan

As a mother who has balanced raising four kids (including triplets) with a full-time business and a husband who deployed to combat five times, I fully understand the demands on parents to successfully manage a busy family life. The steep learning curve of going from one to four children almost instantly kickstarted my methods for nurturing four unique individuals. My no-nonsense, judgement-free parenting style created an environment of freedom, flexibility and self-initiated learning for our kids. After twenty years in the trenches, parenting four happy, prosperous people, there is much to share that will make the entire process stress-free, effective and fun.

Randee Moore Profile Photo
Randee Moore

Randee Moore is a mom of two, a copywriter and marketing strategist who’s obsessed with learning and personal growth. With a background in psychology, she’s passionate about exploring research based ways to parent with purpose and intention. She runs on caffeine, recharges in nature, and never leaves home without a good book.