The Debut of Ask Mom Parenting with Sue Donnellan on WoMRadio

0:00 She is sure, she is strong. She is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, is bray, she is she is you. You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on the Word of Mom Media network. This is the Ask Mom Parenting podcast on Word of Mom Radio, where parenting is everything. This is where we empower parents to be leaders, not referees. I'm Sue Donellan. I am the creator of Esque Mom Parenting. I'm a mother of four, including triplets, a military spouse, a parent and relationship coach, and entrepreneur, and I teach foundational parenting frameworks that are real and practical, simple solutions for parents to be able to raise kids from two to twenty with less fights, no yelling, and getting no kids to listen. We have real, no bullshit conversations about how to let go a guilt, how to stop micromanaging, and how to learn instead to follow your instincts.

0:58 Because raising emotionally strong care kids starts with how we show up. So whether you're deep in the toddler tantrums, navigating tween and teen drama, or somewhere in between, our goal is to teach you how to say it only once and get buy in, not a battle. So with me today is Randy Moore, my sidekick and the person who helps me craft my words, and I'll let her introduce herself to you. Thanks for being with me, Randy, and I'm so excited to do this together with you. Yes, I'm excited to be here. Hi. My name is Randy Moore. I am a mom of two kids, ages seven and ten, so I'm still in the trenches a little bit of motherhood. I have a bachelor's degree in psychology, so I've always been on a journey of personal development and for the last ten years I have been trying to do that with motherhood and parenting as well. So I'm really happy to be here and be able to give some insight in perspective and see where this takes us.

1:56 Yeah, this is going to be fun. My kids are grown, so parenting is in my room mirror, and I do have the benefit of knowing what has worked. I simplify parenting with a mindset shift and strategies that actually work, real world proven, so I'm here to help you try to navigate that. So today, for our very first Ask Mom Parenting podcast, what we have in store for you is to explore real parenting topics, give you one simple mindset shift and hopefully one actionable tool like a quick win tip that you can use with your kids today. This is what we're hoping that you'll get from every podcast, but also some good, fun, lively conversation, very real, very honest, very raw, and just helpful tips that will help you be navigating any of the parenting problems and the challenges that you're facing. So for our very first episode, what we're going to talk about is we're going to introduce you to my approach to parenting. Just a little bit of background about what got me into parenting coaching and relationship coaching. Like most people, I started my parenting in my methods of parenting similar to the way I was raised.

3:01 And I was raised by a mom who liked to yell and who did punish, and you know, I quickly realized that the methods that I was raised with that I was using were pushing my kids away. So to begin, let me just tell a quick little story, a little relatable confession is that I never really wanted kids. My husband loves kids, wanted a big family, and I had our first child, I thought, Okay, this is the nicest thing I've ever done for anybody, I will have a child for you. And after we had the want, it became pretty clear that I should probably have a second one, and in so doing ended up with natural triplets. Two eggs dropped, one split and went from one to four kids overnight. Talk about getting thrown into the deep end of parenting. I was also running my own business and supporting my husband, who was a fighter pilot deployed. So of course, when I think about what everything we were taught about parenting, it took me years to realize that when I started yelling, you know nothing, but it's a mirror on you quicker than being a parent and having children and having these little kids look back at you when you're yelling, like what are you saying? I quickly found myself resorting to the types of ways that I was parented, whether it was grounding, timeouts, whether it was yelling.

4:14 I was definitely a big yeller. Do it once, because you know, do it when I asked you once? And like it, Like what, there's psychology to this. There's tips and tricks and skills that I need to have. Like I thought it was just going to be talking to a little mini adult, I did realize that I was raised with yelling, I was raised with restriction. I was raised with punishment and being honest with myself. I know that that didn't work for me. I mean, the more that you punished me, the more I just thought I'll lie better, I'll get to the point where you don't catch me. And I didn't want that from my kids. I didn't want my kids lying to me. I didn't want to create the environment with which they felt like they needed to lie to me, because, as you'll find in upcoming episodes, my philosophy is that if you're lying to me, that's my fault. And that's my fault because I haven't created an environment with which you feel like you can trust me with information and how you feel.

5:07 So that started my journey into psychology, reading and learning and going to school on behavioral psychology, studying Montessori techniques, having our kids in a Montessori school, taking classes, and pretty much having my own experimentation test tubes with all four of my kids being raised and me learning on the job. Fast forward. Here we are, we're going to figure out what does work. If what we're doing right now is not working, What does work? Well, one thing I have to say is I definitely feel like your story is so relatable, and I love just how honest you are about being a reluctant parent, because I don't think that's something that is talked about enough.

5:51 And I can relate to that in a way because I was kind of the opposite. I was more of a reluctant parent. After I was a parent, I was like, Oh. My goodness, what did I get myself into? And then society makes you feel like if you feel that way, that there must be something wrong with you. Right, Scipus always loved that about your story, and I feel like it is relatable because sometimes you know, there's ups and downs of parenting and some days I'm I'm a rected parent after the fact. But I also would agree that I think a lot of people are now on a journey to just parent in a way that is better than what they had, and I think a lot of parents today are on that journey.

6:32 So just curious. When did you realize that something had to change in your parenting. Well, I realized it when my husband did call out. We had four kids under five at that time, and my oldest is a lot like me. You know, he never met a rule he didn't want to break, and he was a good kid, but he also did not like to have any control exerted over him. My husband called out, you know, honey, you are yelling a lot. And I mean I was completely justified and yelling, right four kids under five, they're not listening. I'm running a business, and I really built up all the reasons why I was yelling and was justified to do so. But then at the end of the day, I saw my own talk about kids being a mirror. I saw my own kids staring back at me, zoned out, tuning me out.

7:22 You know, the more I yelled, the more he just sort of withdrew, and I realized, Okay, this just isn't working. My throat literally hurt from yelling, and I just felt, I don't know what more. I don't know how to get these kids to listen. I don't know how to gather everybody up. And part of what we're going to be talking about here say it once. How do we learn how to say it once so I don't have to yell and so that kids will listen. These are all things that I had to learn. We're taught and have been raised with these authoritarian ways of parenting. I think all of us, no matter what generation, anyone that's a parent now, I am sure has been raised with some type of restriction, some type of punishment, sometimes some type of you know, time out, some sort of I told you so, or do as I say. Those methods just are empty, and we find that they're just not They're not getting the job done, and it's adding more stress onto our plate as a parent and as a mom.

8:22 So I first realized that when you know, my kids were just staring back at me and nothing was changing, yet my throat was hurting, and I just knew there had to be a different way. Even though I justified my yelling and I felt fully justified that this is you know, this is what needs to happen because that's what was done to me. But yeah, that so, this is that's that's how I came to the conclusion that I need to change, and that, you know, does bring us to kind of the foundation of my parenting style and the foundational framework that I teach, which is that parents are the leaders, and we need to be the role model. We need to be that calm authority that creates the environment of respect and how do we do that.

9:06 Yeah, I'm glad you brought up that different methods of parenting the way we were taught to parent, especially authoritarian ways of parenting. You are absolutely right, most of us have experienced that. I definitely know I have, and I know parents today are really looking for confirmation, you know that they're wanting to try a new way or that they're with the ways that they are exploring is actually beneficial for their kids. So something that I did found was in twenty twenty two, the National Institute of Health actually did publish a study, look like they were studying families in different family systems, and they actually found that there are effects of kids that are raised in authoritarian parenting environments. They could have increased ag question difficulty in social situations, low self esteem, and even difficulty making decisions, which I know actually kind of ties into a lot of what you like to talk about who is actually giving kids the chance to make their own decisions? And I think it just goes to show that the restriction placed in more authoritarian style of parenting, the kids often will just lash out. So that brings us to a great time, Sue, why don't you tell us a little bit about your philosophy of parenting.

10:23 Part of my philosophy about parenting and what I teach the foundational framework from what where I teach is that, getting back to the title of this episode, is why everything we've been taught about parenting is wrong. It is for one simple reason is that everyone is teaching us to change the child, and no one ever tells us that we need to change ourselves first before anybody else's behavior changes. So we are here to talk about skills and tips and tricks and actionable points on what to do to turn a child's behavior when we're struggling with challenges. However, on this very first episode, the biggest takeaway, the biggest change that a parent can make, is to own that their child's behavior is a reflection of how they are being parented. And that's a fact. When I was yelling at my kids and they were blazing over and nobody was doing anything, I had to figure out better ways to reach my kids, to motivate my kids, and basically become a leader, which is why my big focus is on leadership parenting because kids need role models, they need leaders.

11:30 They are looking to us for that framework and all of the methods that before I wrote my book, Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a Fuck. Before I wrote the book, I was butting up against all these different philosophies that were telling me what to do to change my child. And in my background in psychology and behavioral sciences, I realized, no, like I have to say, I'm the one yelling. I own my behavior. First, I change my behavior, and then the child's reaction changes to how I show up differently. So the number one thing about parenting and about getting behavior to change from your kids, if you're frustrated, if you're stressed, is looking in the mirror, and let's talk about how we're showing up. What types of things are we saying, how are we saying them, How are we structuring our day? What are our processes, What boundaries are you creating, and what expectations are you creating that the child has to adhere to and to live up to.

12:36 Parents are the leaders, They're the calm authority, and they are creating the environment and the culture with which respect and accountability and collaboration come from. So if you want your kids to show respect, and you want collaboration, and you want that, I encourage parents to take a look at themselves first and change yourself in terms of how you're showing up and what you might be saying and how you're saying it, whether you're yelling, whether you're executing boundaries, and from there the household and the response and the reactions to you will change. So that's the first thing, and that's why what we're being taught about parenting, whether it's timeouts, counting backwards, you know, changing the child's behavior, those don't work. That's not right.

13:24 Yeah, So I would definitely agree with a lot of what you said as far as what we're taught about parenting is just wrong. I would have to say that whenever I would challenge my own parents on certain things, if they did not have an answer, it was do as I say, not as I do, And I knew that that meant that they just. Did not have an answer. But again it's I think everybody's looking to try to make things better for their own kids, and for me, it was trying to get away from yelling. That just was something that occurred enough in my household that I know that I didn't want to do that with my kids. But something I did find myself falling into time and time again. So in that transition to try what's the best way that I could parent my kids, you know, the Internet and the rabbit hole lead you down a bunch of different parenting paths. And one of them, and a very popular one lately, has been gentle parenting.

14:25 And I've read about them all. Gentle parenting, positive parenting, conscious parenting. There's so many different names for a lot of it is very similar. And I know you have a very interesting perspective on gentle parenting too, So how about that. What are your thoughts on gentle parenting? Well, okay, you mentioned positive parenting in there, and I am a proponent of the positive parenting in that I know the woman that started positive parenting. Actually her and I took the same parenting class together at the Montessori School. She is about the ed Lerian psychology, about the accountability and a outside stepping the power struggles. We both have the same basic foundational framework that I talk about now. Personally, I don't feel that gentle parenting is the same as the positive parenting. Gentle parenting is not at all even close to the similar to what I am a proponent of and the reason is that I'm business minded. So my parenting in leadership and role model style is do as I do, and here's the discipline, and here's how this works. And very very in the world of accountability, I'm about teaching and training. Sometimes a five year old just needs to be this is how we're handling this, this is why, and I'm using action not words. And so when I hear gentle parenting, I think over explanation.

15:43 I think accommodation. I think kind of giving into what that child wants. And the child is just looking for leadership. So the child is looking for action, not words. Just what do you need from me? Where do I need to show up? What do I need to do? What are your expectations of me? So when I hear gentle parenting, I don't think of accountability. And these days I'm all for collaboration of partnership. In fact, I do write about partnership parenting in my book, but that is not the same as the gentle parenting, where we are putting the child in a position of leadership where he's having to make the final decision or he's having to figure out.

16:23 So where I see the difference primarily between gentle parenting and leadership parenting is that in gentle parenting, the parent is putting upon the child to come up with the boundary and execute the boundary and have the discipline for the boundary, and the child is just looking to you for the leadership role. They're just looking to you for what do you need from me? How, when, and where? You know? I just need to know what's expected of me. And that's really primarily where I see the difference. I think a lot of parents today are really looking for tools and resources out there to be able to show up for their kids in a way that's not too hard, but still establishing that authority and leadership in the household because at the end of the day, they are the primary role model to teach the kids, you know, how to move forward in life. So Sue, tell us a little bit about how your philosophy can do that.

17:16 I'm just reiterating that we're talking about authority, we're talking about being the role model and circling back. Everything points back to what we've been taught about parenting is all wrong. Why because the parent is the one that needs to do the changing. And this isn't parent blaming and shaming because I'm talking about my own personal story. I know that when I showed up differently and I changed my approach, the kids responded to me. That awareness, that turning point for me with my own four kids is what has led me down this path to what works these Montessori accountability types of parenting philosophies. So getting back to the method that I teach that we are all about in ASKM on Parenting, is that we're talking about methods that stop conflicts, that sidestep power struggles, that get you to stop yelling and get kids to listen. We're talking about ways, the when, the why, and the how. When we parent in advance. We structure conversations in advance. We look for patterns of what's making us yell, We back it up and we restructure our communication and our homes and how we are approaching our day with our kids, what makes us yell, and we learn how to parent in advance.

18:38 And this is really my signature parenting method which is all about, yes, collaboration, but you very much in the leadership role and you getting buy in and being able to structure communication and situations to where we can use counterintuitive methods to get our kids to pay attention, We find out what the patterns are, what are they interested in. How do we back up instead of reactionary parenting, how do we proactively in parent in advance. And that's what we're going to be talking about in all of our episodes, all of the tips and tricks, in all of the ways, and these are all my signature methods, again based born out of Montssori, born out of ed Leary and behavioral psychology, and based on what has worked for you know, my children and twenty five years of mentoring and coaching hundreds of other families.

19:28 I have to say, when I change myself and my behavior, I do tend to really notice. That's when the bigger, longer lasting change with my kids are Yeah, I have noticed that, you know, and then it kind of clicks to me, like this is the better way. It's a parent. Yes, these methods do work and they stand the test of time. They are what creates trust in relationships, builds respect, and bakes in accountability from our kids that they take ownership over their words, their agreements, and we're growing adults in training. And I'm a big proponent the parents are trainers. That's what we do. We build that foundation of training and expectation that the kids then live up to, and that creates a value add to the child. They feel like they are part of something bigger as opposed to you know, we talked earlier about the gentle parenting where they don't feel like they're just always being accommodated. You know, life is a little rough. Sometimes you can't always be you can't have every need covered, every need accommodated. And that's where I think the real major difference between the gentle parenting is and where the leadership parenting is. It's that I'm the creator of the culture. I hear you.

20:42 We will collaborate, but at the end of the day, here's the boundary and here's you know what's going to happen. Here's how the accountability aspect will take place through a variety of consequences that we agree to and that you'll be held accountable to. So in finishing up today's podcast, we talked about how everything we've been taught about raising kids is wrong, and that is we've been taught that we have to change the child when we don't like the behavior. We've been taught that timeouts and restriction or counting backwards, or these types of methods that we've been doing generation after generation, that those are ways to pivot behavior when there are actually much better ways of reaching our children and partnering with our kids so that they take accountability and they get by it. One of the things that I want to do on each of the podcast is to give parents some type of mind shift, some type of new way of looking at parenting, And in today's episode, today is really about being comfortable with looking at ourselves and understanding our role that when we are open to a new approach to changing what we say, to considering the patterns of our communication with our children, and understanding that we have the power and our greatest power is our ability to choose. So at any given time, when you wanted to an outcome of something, it's your perspective and your choice to be able to change to get that different outcome. That is the power of parenting.

22:08 That is the power of what I teach is that we are the creators of that culture, and when we change, the children react to us. So it's a counterintuitive mind shift. It's not us having to change externally that child. Yes, there are tips and tricks that we can use to get our children's behavior to change, and we will get into all of that, but foundationally, as a parent, as a mom, anyone raising children that's unhappy or challenged with the stress of children not listening, of their yelling of behavior that won't change. It starts with us. So that's my empowering message for today and that if we can just get to a point of readiness that we know that when we make the change, the children react to us.

22:58 And that's really the beauty of my story as well. I had to own the fact that I was yelling. I had to own the fact that my kids were glazing over, and I had to be honest with myself that my yelling was changing and absolutely nothing. So in wrapping up our very first Ask Mom Parenting podcast, I would like to share with the listeners, what is one thing that you think you can do right now for yourself. What's one area of parenting that you may have gotten from your parents or gotten from someone else that you know isn't really working for you. Where is one way you think you can show up differently. What situation or interaction between your children can you apply and show up differently for Where is one spot you think that you're having the most struggle that you can reshift look at through a different lens. Where is that? And let's take the ownership that. Since we are the owners of the culture of our home, and we are the role models that our children look to every day, how can we show up a little differferently and how will that be able to affect our child's behavior? Liza, thank you very much for listening to our very first Ask Mom Parenting podcast.

24:09 If you'd like to learn more, my website is askmomparenting dot com. It's also es mom Parenting on Instagram and Facebook. I have a Yell Free Parenting group, a private group on Facebook Yell Free Parenting. I do posts every day. I have a lot of great content in there that you're able to join. Have a book, Secrets to Parenting without Giving a Book. It's on Amazon. I look forward to talking with you next time, and feel free to reach out in any way if you have questions or to have topics that you want to hear about. Thanks again and we'll see you next time. She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, she strang she is true, is true, she is brase bra she is, she is you, she is you. Pease you.

24:57 She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, she is strong, she is true, she is true, she is brave, she is bold, she she is you, she is she is she is sure of herself. Yes, she takes care of his Powerful and strong. Yes, she knows who she is, has integrity, woman, strong and true. You know her by name. See this woman is you. She is sure, she is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is bold, she is she is you, she is you, she is she is sure, she is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is bold, she is she is you, she is she is She adds value and hope, has proved to be brave. See it's never too late, never time to behave Reaching for dreams doesn't matter. The age believes in herself and from her cage. She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, bray, she is bold, she is you, is you, she is she is sure. She is strong, she is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave Is brave, she is she is she is you,