Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan Kids & Smartphones

0:01 She is pray, she is pray, she is she is you. You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on the Word of Mom Media Network. Hi, and welcome back to the Esque Mom podcast. Because parenting is everything. I'm Sue and with me is Randy and this is your no bullshit, no filter, zero gilt parenting reboot. Whether you're deep in the toddler tantrums, navigating tween and teen drama, or somewhere in between, you'll get clarity and actionable tools one episode at a time. There are a few milestones that rattle parents quite like handing our child their first phone. On the one. Side, we have the lure of safety and easy check ins, and on the other side, we know we're introducing.

0:43 Them to the temptation that comes with it, the. Abyss of endless scrolling, dopamine loops, late night group chats that you'll never be privy to, and not to mention the potential strangers that you're ushering right into your home with online predators lurking. Today, we're ending that tug of war, and instead of handing over a device and just hoping for the best, we're going to show you how to effectively parent this seeming right of passage, and that's by doing this entire process up front. We're going to talk about how to lead this operation by establishing the why and spelling out expectations before the phone ever hits their pocket. Getting our kids a phone isn't just about buying them a fancy gadget. It's about raising a child who knows how to use powerful technology without letting the technology use them.

1:27 When we got our oldest his first phone, he was in seventh grade, I think at the time, and he attended a Magnet school but played football in his school, and so he didn't know many kids at the school, and he was unfamiliar without location and where we dropped him off. So we made the upfront decision to provide a basic phone for him to feel more connected to us for rides and changes to the schedule. And that's how we sold him getting his first phone. We made a very deliberate decision tied to a reason and a purpose, not just because his friends had one, and not just because he needs to learn how to use tech, and not for any other reason other than what we presented to him. That reason did not have anything to do with social media apps or internet access. It was simply for communication to his mom and dad for pickups and schedule changes tied to football. That's how we presented it for the first time. Now you can imagine seventh grade football player. You'd probably know where this is going. You can probably predict. It didn't take long for the negotiations to start for his rides and schedule changes. Only phone to start being used for Internet scrolls and socials and girl meetups and yeah denied. So if your house has the same negotiation department, stay with us, because today we're talking about how to avoid opening the floodgates to screen time battles and mental health risks. Since I like to talk about leadership and big picture parenting, let's start with

2:58 the two most important ways and reasons to give a first phone. Number One, it must be tied to a specific purpose. So for us, it was sports pickups and schedule changes. That's what we decided up front before we presented the phone. You should just pick. Yours, but just make sure that you find a purpose that makes it a business transaction, so it's tied to a purpose only. And number two, the rules and expectations are explained and established up front before the phone is given and all the temptation comes, there are agreements put in place first, so it's. All, like I said, business transaction. So when your kids are begging that everyone else has one, or you might have fear that your child is being like the odd kid out because he doesn't have phone, let's dress the pressure that we all feel from every angle around first phones. Let's start with some research snapshots from Randy. This is her specialty and this is a category she loves to talk about and she's so knowledgeable.

3:57 So Randy, yes, I can't wait to dive into the research first. Before I do that, just a little perspective on, you know, the research and where I'm coming from with it. I'm very fortunate to have a school district that is very open about talking about this. The district that my kids. Go to is very large. There's about ten thousand kids in the district, multiple elementary schools and middle schools, so this is obviously an issue that they have to take on as well, being that they're dealing with so many kids. So very fortunate that over the last year, especially, you know, the school district at large, has really given us a chance as a community to come together to have discussions, and they've provided us with some education around tech and phones. So I've had the pleasure to sit in rooms and talk about this with parents, my concerns, their concerns, and just kind of get everyone's perspective. And the school presented us with research.

4:54 And the funny thing is when I was diving into my own research about it, the funny thing about it is it all no matter where it comes from, it's all kind of relatively the same. So I'm very interested in that, like everybody is getting the same results, which I'm always interested in. Also, I'm like, I'm living with this now. My daughter just turned eleven, so of course now she's talking about it. Really interesting. The two studies that really stuck out to me was Stanford did a five year study where all they really did was tracked and followed various kids and families over five years, and it was around. Digital well being. But they were specifically interested as well into when children. Got their first phone. So over a five.

5:36 Year period with Stanford, they found twenty five percent of kids received phones by age ten, seventy five percent received. Them by twelve and a half. Nearly all of the children had it by age fifteen, and among all the kids who did have the phones, ninety nine percent of them had a smartphone by the end of five years. Common Sense Media along with Michigan State University, found that about half of the children they studied in the United States received their first smartphone by age eleven, so very similar to the Stanford study, forty three percent of tweens ages eight to twelve already had a smartphone, and by ages thirteen give up to eighteen, eighty eight to ninety five percent of kids owned their own smartphone, so all in all, both were relatively the same.

6:30 So overall, the big concerns around phones in general that most of us have as parents are tied to addiction and dopamine loops, So like the endless notifications and the mental poll that those provide, cyberbullying and online predators, that's a giant concern with phones. Mental health and brain development MRI studies have shown that heavy early screen time affects executive function skills in young kids and their special concerns for ADHD care. It's like the impulsivity and the constant stimulation that it causes. All of these subjects are worthy of consideration and deep dives in separate podcasts, but today we're going to touch on them slightly, but mainly focusing today on how to give a first phone. So giving a first phone isn't just about age, you know, even though the studies are showing that there's a relative amount of time that the kids are getting them around, you know, eleven to twelve on.

7:27 That seemed to kind of fit with what. We did with our first as well, but it's really more about the child. We can't talk about giving phones to kids without first talking about our role as a parent and the influence that we have as leaders in the home. So we set the tone and the rules, and we have to first embody that empowered parent role. So we've got to. Be giving these phones from position of strength and steady leadership before we're handing those over, and things need to be kind of put in place before that phone is given. Being a parent means that you don't just have values you say those values out loud. You have to first feel the values, know what you stand for, and then be sure that you're communicating them clearly in your home and to your kids. Because we don't care what the crowd is doing or what your friends are doing or what the neighbors are doing in our home. We're basing it on what our values are and what purpose we are giving it to you for, because like I get, like I said, it's a business transaction.

8:29 That's how it needs to feel for the child. At about the. Age for first phones, that typically is the time that kids are kind of in the throes of testing us. So you know that pre adolescent that adolescent age is when when the kids are really starting to test and become aware of what's going on in life outside the home. So it's very important to know as a parent what you stand for and why that matters to you, and to make sure that your kids know it too. Don't keep those rules and morals and values to yourself, and don't convenience mention it like after the behavior happens. So what's what we tend to do. We tend to have our rules and our ideas, what we don't think to communicate them ahead of time, or to share them with our kids or have a family meeting about it. Don't wait until after the behavior happens and then react.

9:14 The way to do this with the first. Phone and with a variety of ways with parenting as a leader is to have your kids know upfront what the rules are, what the values are, and why. So I've created and ask mom gut check and here's some questions that will help you measure readiness for your child that align with common parent values. Before getting and giving a phone to your child, write some of these questions down and ask these questions about your child. Does your child follow through on rules and chores? Are they pretty much steady consistent rule followers? How do they handle when you ask them to do something for you around the house? And can they handle disappointment and frustration? And how do they handle that?

9:55 Do they come to you when things go wrong if they seem to be confused about something? Have you or already created that relationship of connection? And are they coming to you to help problem solve? Have you already established that rule set in your house? Are they balancing school and activities and downtime without you managing every detail or are you having to get involved in everything? How are they managing their free time? And does it seem to have an. EBB and a flow and a balance? And do they understand about cyberbullying and basic internet safety? Because these are all things that are tied to the phone. So there's a common saying that's like taking the bloom off the rose. You know. I remember when my son wanted to start acting at thirteen, and his acting coach just made him read all this really boring Shakespeare, you know, and it's like, if you thought you wanted to be an actor because you want to be famous or an influencer, or whatever reason you thought you wanted to be an actor, this coach was like, yeah, we're taking that bloom right off the road. So let's not hand this phone to you for reasons of your own entertainment. This is business again, So the reframe before caving to a first phone. Remember, you don't give a phone when they say they're ready. You give it when you see that they're ready. This is a privilege, and it's handed to them with a purpose, a purpose only.

11:13 This sets the tone that screen abuse will not be tolerated and that having a phone is a privilege, not a right. We're handing over responsibility and only when that responsibility is being demonstrated. So we're in charge. And again we're not falling prey to what the friends have and what social media says and what's going on anywhere else. We're only in charge of our home and. What we communicate to our kids with base and our values. Once you establish that a phone is only tied to their responsible behavior, you can then use that behavior as the carriage toward continued good behavior. So you have to establish that up front to know that this is a privilege, so that that privilege can then be taken away or changed or monitored based on behavior, so you remain in the driver's seat and use of the conditions in advance before their fingers ever swipe a single screen. Having a privilege follows proof of good behavior, not pressure from your child or from anyone else. And this is how leadership parenting works. So all of that said, we know the phone's carrier risk, but there's also good ways to use a phone, and I think it's important to talk about that and be able to present this in a positive light so we can cop the risk by monitoring their use and directing the phone's purpose. Along with the dangers, there's also an upside. We can use this phone to build skills, connection, and independence.

12:36 Our job is to shine. A light on the good while blocking and monitoring the bad. We can turn the phone into a skill builder. So think fun party tricks that they can do while they're impressing friends. You know, they can actually learn something. The phone can teach them something. And here's some ideas to use a phone for good. They can watch a cooking show and make dinner, dessert or a holiday pie. You know. I have a funny story about one of my kid's friends that they were at their friends in college and this kid, young, blonde, cute guy, decided he grew up baking for the family and he decided that he was going to enter this huge state fair pie competition. And he decided he was going to go in there and compete against all of these older ladies that have been going into this pie competition for years. And he said, I decided that, you know, when somebody invites Andy over, am I bringing my award winning pie. He decided he was going to identify himself as an award winning pie and he was going to go into the state fair and win this award.

13:28 It was lemon merange. Pie, and he learned how to do all the whipping and it was I guess it's a complicated pie to me. Anyway, The point is he used his phone. He learned this baking skill and went out and won, you know, from all these old ladies that have been killing it all these years. Andy, you know, college kid went in and got you know, the award for the best lemon ring pie. So anyway, my point is kids can start watching cooking shows. They can get their own skills. So here's this kid in college now going around. I have an award winning pie that filled him with confidence and fun. So they can also learn a skill, you know, one skill a month. I remember my kids they learned how to make duct tape roses. So they used different colored duct tape and turned it into roses and then you put like a straw in there for the stem, and then they took it a step further and sold them at.

14:17 The end of the driveway. As of duc take flowers that are like they had to sign up that said you will never die or something like that. You can take old t shirts and turn it into a big jump rope and have fun with it. Like, there's just different skills and things you can learn each month. With the phone. You can have your kid turn into. Like a little mini travel blogger and every time you go on a vacation, they take photos, and they maybe start a little website or something, or a language like we had dual Lingo and we were all competing with Spanish and then we took fun trip that we got to practice our language. So there's a lot of good things that the phone can be used for. We can outsmart the fear with clear guidance and real oversight ahead of time, and just keep those lines of communication open so we can teach our kids the skill of balance so that they can carry that with them forever. There are practical guidelines for giving a first phone, and there's some really great apps and tech involved with what to choose and how to monitor and keep the phone safe.

15:14 And so this is Randy's area. I'm turning this over to you. All right, Yeah, I'm excited to talk about this. I find with most people I talked to in myself included that the concern around getting a first phone for their child is largely around the access to a smartphone. People are feeling that they're opening up their child to the entire world because in a lot of cases there may be no limits to it. But the good news is if you are concerned with that, there are lots of really great options and I am going to talk about three of them that I've been looking into and that I think are really really good. So the first one is GAB.

15:57 Gabb it's GAB wireless. It has watches and phones and you buy a plan with it, and so this is really great way to start with a basic phone or like a limited function device, not a full smartphone. So GAB has watches and cell phones. This allows you to have access to basically a cell phone and texting, but allows it to grow with your child. So like their first. Basic watch, you set pre text messages so they have pre selected responses and you can change them, and then the child just presses it and can respond. You can upgrade that watch to where they can text, and then the phones also upgrade where you're just giving them a little bit more at a time until you think that there might be ready for like a full phone. So GAB allows the phone to grow with the child. I feel like they have a device for every stage. They have tons of safety features, including like pre approved contacts.

16:59 Parents have to be the administrator and have to set the contexts in the phone. The child just can't put any old person in the phone. They can't call or text anyone who isn't on that list. There is no like all access to the internet or social media apps. They do have spam blocking technology and limited apps. This is the one I'm most familiar with because my daughter does have the watch, and I think it's a great place to start, really great limited device, and the plans are pretty reasonably priced. The next one on the list is. Bark, and I'm sure a lot of people listening have seen the ads and things like that, and I've been watching Bark for a little bit because I'm really interested.

17:41 I'm always seeing ads for them. They have smart watches and phones with like tamper proof features, and I am really interested in that because one of the education sessions I went to on just technology in general with the school I was in was like, the educators are like, you'd be surprised at the workarounds sometimes that these kids can figure out, probably better than I could. What I liked about Bark is they seem to have the tamper proof features, they have ways to manage screen time. But my favorite feature about Bark is that it will scan text messages, any web browsers, emails, any online activity that you allow your child to have and it really looks for signs of cyberbullying, inappropriate content, and other potential dangers, and it sends the alerts directly to the parents.

18:32 That's what I love about Bark. And then there's Cosmo Technologies that seems to be pretty popular as well. I love their tagline. Their tagline is nineteen ninety five simple, twenty twenty five smart. I love that's that's memorable. Yeah. Yeah. They also approve contact lists, you know, some internet and social media restrictions. You can set it into focus mode to limit distractions. So varies. All three very similar, slightly different things, but I think just a great starting point for anyone who's like, h, I don't feel like I'm ready to just like jump into the smartphone situation. Have you seen those ads for the phone where the kids are now going back to just like dial on the inside, you know, yeah, those are Yeah, And then now these kids are walking around with this talk about nineteen ninety five like they're was with that.

19:25 Same model phone with a cord. Oh my gosh, I've seen it on TikTok and I'm wondering what that isn't it's not a smartphone, It's just a phone. But yeah, you know, we've got that. Vintage feel and vibe, and I'm like, I want to buy one. If it weren't for my kids, I would not have a smartphone because, yeah, it's a way to stay connected. So you know, I made peace with it. I didn't know if you knew anything about that one. Yeah I did. And in fact, they're actually because we call our fancy internet devices smartphones, they're actually calling the old foot phones dumb phones. Oh yeah, you know what, that's what teenager is not going to be leaning all the way into being a dump having a dumb phone like that is.

20:06 That's brilliant marketing right there. Yeah, and I heard that there was like an uptick of these foot phones being sold online, and in fact, that was the interesting thing is some celebrities are getting on that trend as well, Like I know Drew Barrymore does that with her kids. And you can have this old foot phone, that's all. Yeah. I think that's very interesting because these limited devices, it allows you to have just a basic phone without any of the things that most parents are worried about. Most parents are like, you know, I don't mind them having access to the phone. I just worry about all the other things that my O of course. Oh of course, yeah, well, you know, thank you for all of that, because I'm not you know, my kids are a little older, so I appreciate having all that info and research here to share with everybody. We've talked about taking the lead on the first phones by setting your values and communicating them up front first, and then using those value us to determine when your child is ready by showing you the responsibility that they're ready for that responsibility.

21:06 And tying this phone event. To a purpose, not just for entertainment, so entertainment is the side effect to the core reason of safety. And then we talked about presenting the phone in positive ways and it can be used to build fun skills and all the first phone software options that will help keep your kids safe. And now the last piece to handing over your child's first phone is to create a family agreement. This is a. Solid starting checklist that you can adapt into a family phone agreement, so short enough to sign, clear enough to hold up when things get wobbly. If you create this upfront, falling back onto this document and saying okay, well here's what we signed, Here's what we talked about. We already talked about this. You can't rewrite the rules after the fact or as you go. They won't be taken seriously with a kid because they're going to just keep trying to up the ante once they get a taste of a new dopamine of a new thing. You know that their friends are doing. So having a family phone agreement is especially powerful with your first child because the siblings watch and they learn what we train into our firstborns, and that trickles down to the siblings. So makes it a little bit easier that when you're handing the first phone to the first child. As your oldest grows, they become the pseudo third parent and they help us enforce the rules. So at least that's how worked with us.

22:26 So all that effort you put into the first hopefully you know it benefits with the with the others. So your family phone agreement should have these components. It should have number. One, the purpose of the privilege why you have this phone is for safety, for connection to us with the family, and agreed upon responsibilities, not unlimited entertainment. So you know you create this agreement. These are just ideas for you as a guideline to start. So number one would be your purpose and privilege, and those are what you decide yourself based on the child's ready, based on the responsibility that you see, and based on the purpose that you've decided they need the phone for. And number two is boundaries and usage.

23:09 So you should have screen time limits, so example, no phone during homework or until it's complete, no phone at the table. There's going to be a daily time cap. Whatever rules and boundaries you feel that you need to put into place. And then there's also screen free zones in the house that's meals, bathtime, bedroom, you know, overnight, whatever your rules are. All I'm saying is that taking a leadership rule means communicating them, having the values, knowing what they are, and then communicating them. And now we're putting that into this agreement. We're just keeping it simple, you know that whole kiss when you're in sales, Keeping it simple for the kids and just making it really easy for them to follow. We don't want to make this complicated.

23:50 Number three is communication standards, So answer calls and texts from parents promptly. I remember when my kids first got their phone, a lot of their friends were thinking it was cut to just not reply to their parents, I leave them unread or you know, whatever the hell dame they were playing at that time. My kids knew no, no, no. When I text you, it's an immediate I'm not going to bother you. I'm not going to be texting you with drivel. But when I reach out, it's important and you are to respond to me quickly. You also to use respectful language, you know, in all messages, even though that doesn't apply to me. So just yeah, not using something that you can't send to the grandparents or your teacher or your future employer to read. They need to understand that everything that you put out there is always trackable. And then number four is online safety. So no new apps or games or social media without my approval, my supervision.

24:36 I need to know what all the logins are. Never share your personal information. So these are the things that will go under number four of online safety. Number five responsibility and care. So keep the phone charged, protected in a case with you, you know, safely stored. If it's lost, your damaged, you need to check in with us. You know, kids do things. They end up in the water, end up broken, or they end up stolen or hidden or whatever. But I think it needs to be built into the agreement that they are responsible for this and the money that is being put out. They need to be aware of what this costs. And then number six is consequences. So again everything is discussed upfront, clear pre agreed steps. So for example, your first violation will be a warning, Your second could be you know, your phone is checked and put away for twenty four hours. If there's any severe breaches like hiding apps or sharing unsafe info, that could be a longer loss of privilege. Again up to you to decide, but you just need to have that.

25:40 Consequence baked into the agreement. Then both of you sign it, you date it, and you know every three to six months you can review it and as they earn more responsibility. That's where I like to talk about that carrot of I've seen that you're responsible. I present the phone to you like I've seen how responsible you are. I see how you're balancing your time, you're getting your homework. Done with that. I see that you know you've earned the possibility here of a phone. For safety purposes. It's given with a reason and a purpose, it's tied to something, and every three to six months you can revisit it and say, hey, you know, we're going to give you an extra hour or whatever. The kids feel like, there's. That consequence baked in that there's something that they have to strive to. It's not just a free, never ending abyss of access to whatever they want. That's for the agreement that wraps up our thoughts and processes for giving a first phone. And just to remember, you know, there's no perfect age for a first phone, only what's right for you and your child.

26:40 And your family. So just kind of recapping, revisiting that gut check questionnaire, Just check in with yourself before giving the phone. Revisit are they following through on their rules and chores? You know? Are they handling disappointment? Okay, how are they handling it? Because this is going to give you some insight into the mental aspect of what the phone could bring to them and the cyber bullying. And all of that. Where there's so many topics surrounding first phones. That's why I really wanted to restrict this to just handing the first phone, tying it to the purpose, creating an agreement, creating pre agreed rules upfront. That are signed. Because there are so many other aspects to phone and screen that we'll be talking about in future podcasts that we're not going to get into here because I'm trying to keep it really simple for just the first phone, but understanding cyber bullying and just basic internet safety, all of that has to be trained and discussed and communicated with your child, So there's got to be that open communication going on with them, otherwise this might fall flat.

27:39 So having a phone is a privilege, and it's handed to your child with a specific purpose that's clearly communicated to them and agreed to in advance. And that is my takeaway for this podcast on how to give a first phone. Thank you so much for listening, and if you want more, come hang with us in our Facebook group Yell Free Parenting for Exhausted Moms. And if you're feeling stuff, you can always reach out to me on the Ask Momparenting dot com website and I can tailor or customized plan for you and your family. And don't forget to subscribe. If you like this, please subscribe to me on the Ask Mom podcast on my YouTube page. Thank you so much, and happy parenting. She is sure, she is sure, she is strong.

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29:34 She is sure, she is she is strong, is strong, she is true, True, she is brave, she is she is you. She she is sure, she is strong, she is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave, she is she is you.