Sept. 24, 2025

Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan Kids & Smartphones

Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan Kids & Smartphones
Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan Kids & Smartphones
Word of Mom Radio
Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan Kids & Smartphones

Sue Donnellan Shares Kids and Smartphones: Rules Every Parent Should Set Before Handing Over a Phone.

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Kids & Smartphones: Rules Every Parent Should Set Before Handing Over a Phone

Handing your kid a phone isn’t a tech decision, it’s a leadership one. In this episode,
Sue lays out the mindset and the must-haves that separate a calm, values-driven phone
handoff from a chaos spiral. We’ll show you how to define the why, set expectations that
actually stick, and avoid the most common trap parents don’t see coming, until it’s too
late.

What We Talk About
 The question to answer before you even look at devices
 How to decide readiness without using age as the yardstick
 The “first-phone” agreement that does the heavy lifting (and why most fail)
 Training-wheel options that buy you freedom without turning you into the phone
police
 The silent risks hiding in notifications, group chats, and late-night DMs, and the
simple way to defuse them

You’ll Walk Away With
 A tight structure for your Family Phone Agreement (purpose → boundaries →
safety → accountability)
 A quick gut-check to decide if now is the right time…or not yet
 A short list of safer first-device pathways to consider

Highlights
 Why this milestone is different from every other purchase
 Readiness: the three behaviors that matter more than age
 The agreement clause that prevents 90% of arguments
 Devices that ease you in (without opening the floodgates)
 The 3–6 month review that keeps you in the driver’s seat

Resources Mentioned
 Family Phone Agreement
 Quiz: Ask Mom “First-Phone Gut Check”
 Tools: Starter-device paths and monitoring options discussed in-episode
One-Liner to Remember
Don’t buy a phone - build a plan. The device is hardware; the rules are the
operating system.

Connect
 Sue Donnellan: AskMomParenting.com | Instagram | YouTube
 Work with Sue: Free consult | Programs & courses
Press play to get the blueprint, so the first phone builds trust, not drama.

🔗 Links & Resources:
· Free Facebook Group: Yell-Free Parenting for Exhausted Moms
· Sue’s Book: Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a F^ck
· Want 1-on-1 coaching? Book here
· Get Sue’s Weekly Newsletter: Subscribe now

Thanks for listening! Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with a mom who needs to hear it.

Please support UnsilencedVoices.org a global 501(c)3 nonprofit that empowers survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking.

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WEBVTT

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She is pray, she is pray, she is she is you.

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You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on

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the Word of Mom Media Network.

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Hi, and welcome back to the Esque Mom podcast. Because

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parenting is everything. I'm Sue and with me is Randy

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and this is your no bullshit, no filter, zero gilt

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parenting reboot. Whether you're deep in the toddler tantrums, navigating

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tween and teen drama, or somewhere in between, you'll get

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clarity and actionable tools one episode at a time. There

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are a few milestones that rattle parents quite like handing

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our child their first phone.

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On the one.

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Side, we have the lure of safety and easy check ins,

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and on the other side, we know we're introducing.

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Them to the temptation that comes with it, the.

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Abyss of endless scrolling, dopamine loops, late night group chats

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that you'll never be privy to, and not to mention

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the potential strangers that you're ushering right into your home

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with online predators lurking. Today, we're ending that tug of war,

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and instead of handing over a device and just hoping

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for the best, we're going to show you how to

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effectively parent this seeming right of passage, and that's by

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doing this entire process up front. We're going to talk

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about how to lead this operation by establishing the why

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and spelling out expectations before the phone ever hits their pocket.

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Getting our kids a phone isn't just about buying them

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a fancy gadget. It's about raising a child who knows

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how to use powerful technology without letting the technology use them.

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When we got our oldest his first phone, he was

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in seventh grade, I think at the time, and he

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attended a Magnet school but played football in his school,

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and so he didn't know many kids at the school,

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and he was unfamiliar without location and where we dropped

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him off. So we made the upfront decision to provide

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a basic phone for him to feel more connected to

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us for rides and changes to the schedule. And that's

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how we sold him getting his first phone. We made

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a very deliberate decision tied to a reason and a purpose,

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not just because his friends had one, and not just

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because he needs to learn how to use tech, and

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not for any other reason other than what we presented

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to him. That reason did not have anything to do

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with social media apps or internet access. It was simply

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for communication to his mom and dad for pickups and

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schedule changes tied to football. That's how we presented it

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for the first time. Now you can imagine seventh grade

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football player. You'd probably know where this is going. You

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can probably predict. It didn't take long for the negotiations

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to start for his rides and schedule changes. Only phone

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to start being used for Internet scrolls and socials and

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girl meetups and yeah denied. So if your house has

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the same negotiation department, stay with us, because today we're

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talking about how to avoid opening the floodgates to screen

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time battles and mental health risks. Since I like to

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talk about leadership and big picture parenting, let's start with

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the two most important ways and reasons to give a

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first phone. Number One, it must be tied to a

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specific purpose. So for us, it was sports pickups and

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schedule changes. That's what we decided up front before we

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presented the phone.

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You should just pick.

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Yours, but just make sure that you find a purpose

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that makes it a business transaction, so it's tied to

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a purpose only. And number two, the rules and expectations

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are explained and established up front before the phone is

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given and all the temptation comes, there are agreements put

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in place first, so it's.

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All, like I said, business transaction.

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So when your kids are begging that everyone else has one,

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or you might have fear that your child is being

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like the odd kid out because he doesn't have phone,

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let's dress the pressure that we all feel from every

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angle around first phones. Let's start with some research snapshots

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from Randy. This is her specialty and this is a

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category she loves to talk about and she's so knowledgeable.

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So Randy, yes, I can't wait to dive into the

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research first. Before I do that, just a little perspective on,

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you know, the research and where I'm coming from with it.

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I'm very fortunate to have a school district that is

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very open about talking about this. The district that my kids.

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Go to is very large.

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There's about ten thousand kids in the district, multiple elementary

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schools and middle schools, so this is obviously an issue

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that they have to take on as well, being that

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they're dealing with so many kids. So very fortunate that

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over the last year, especially, you know, the school district

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at large, has really given us a chance as a

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community to come together to have discussions, and they've provided

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us with some education around tech and phones. So I've

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had the pleasure to sit in rooms and talk about

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this with parents, my concerns, their concerns, and just kind

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of get everyone's perspective. And the school presented us with research.

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And the funny thing is when I was diving into

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my own research about it, the funny thing about it

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is it all no matter where it comes from, it's

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all kind of relatively the same. So I'm very interested

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in that, like everybody is getting the same results, which

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I'm always interested in. Also, I'm like, I'm living with

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this now. My daughter just turned eleven, so of course

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now she's talking about it.

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Really interesting.

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The two studies that really stuck out to me was

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Stanford did a five year study where all they really

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did was tracked and followed various kids and families over

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five years, and it was around.

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Digital well being.

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But they were specifically interested as well into when children.

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Got their first phone. So over a five.

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Year period with Stanford, they found twenty five percent of

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kids received phones by age ten, seventy five percent received.

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Them by twelve and a half.

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Nearly all of the children had it by age fifteen,

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and among all the kids who did have the phones,

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ninety nine percent of them had a smartphone by the

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end of five years. Common Sense Media along with Michigan

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State University, found that about half of the children they

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studied in the United States received their first smartphone by

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age eleven, so very similar to the Stanford study, forty

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three percent of tweens ages eight to twelve already had

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a smartphone, and by ages thirteen give up to eighteen,

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eighty eight to ninety five percent of kids owned their

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own smartphone, so all in all, both were relatively the same.

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So overall, the big concerns around phones in general that

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most of us have as parents are tied to addiction

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and dopamine loops, So like the endless notifications and the

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mental poll that those provide, cyberbullying and online predators, that's

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a giant concern with phones. Mental health and brain development

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MRI studies have shown that heavy early screen time affects

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executive function skills in young kids and their special concerns

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for ADHD care. It's like the impulsivity and the constant

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stimulation that it causes. All of these subjects are worthy

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of consideration and deep dives in separate podcasts, but today

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we're going to touch on them slightly, but mainly focusing

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today on how to give a first phone. So giving

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a first phone isn't just about age, you know, even

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though the studies are showing that there's a relative amount

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of time that the kids are getting them around, you know,

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eleven to twelve on.

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That seemed to kind of fit with what.

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We did with our first as well, but it's really

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more about the child. We can't talk about giving phones

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to kids without first talking about our role as a

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parent and the influence that we have as leaders in

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the home. So we set the tone and the rules,

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and we have to first embody that empowered parent role.

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So we've got to.

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Be giving these phones from position of strength and steady

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leadership before we're handing those over, and things need to

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be kind of put in place before that phone is given.

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Being a parent means that you don't just have values

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you say those values out loud. You have to first

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feel the values, know what you stand for, and then

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be sure that you're communicating them clearly in your home

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and to your kids. Because we don't care what the

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crowd is doing or what your friends are doing or

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what the neighbors are doing in our home. We're basing

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it on what our values are and what purpose we

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are giving it to you for, because like I get,

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like I said, it's a business transaction.

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That's how it needs to feel for the child. At

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about the.

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Age for first phones, that typically is the time that

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kids are kind of in the throes of testing us.

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So you know that pre adolescent that adolescent age is

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when when the kids are really starting to test and

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become aware of what's going on in life outside the home.

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So it's very important to know as a parent what

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you stand for and why that matters to you, and

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to make sure that your kids know it too. Don't

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keep those rules and morals and values to yourself, and

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don't convenience mention it like after the behavior happens. So

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what's what we tend to do. We tend to have

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our rules and our ideas, what we don't think to

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communicate them ahead of time, or to share them with

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our kids or have a family meeting about it. Don't

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wait until after the behavior happens and then react.

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The way to do this with the first.

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Phone and with a variety of ways with parenting as

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a leader is to have your kids know upfront what

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the rules are, what the values are, and why. So

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I've created and ask mom gut check and here's some

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questions that will help you measure readiness for your child

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that align with common parent values. Before getting and giving

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a phone to your child, write some of these questions

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down and ask these questions about your child. Does your

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child follow through on rules and chores? Are they pretty

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much steady consistent rule followers? How do they handle when

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you ask them to do something for you around the house?

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And can they handle disappointment and frustration?

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And how do they handle that?

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Do they come to you when things go wrong if

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they seem to be confused about something? Have you or

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already created that relationship of connection? And are they coming

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to you to help problem solve? Have you already established

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that rule set in your house? Are they balancing school

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and activities and downtime without you managing every detail or

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are you having to get involved in everything? How are

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they managing their free time? And does it seem to

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have an.

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EBB and a flow and a balance?

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And do they understand about cyberbullying and basic internet safety?

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Because these are all things that are tied to the phone.

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So there's a common saying that's like taking the bloom

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off the rose.

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You know.

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I remember when my son wanted to start acting at thirteen,

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and his acting coach just made him read all this

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really boring Shakespeare, you know, and it's like, if you

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thought you wanted to be an actor because you want

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to be famous or an influencer, or whatever reason you

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thought you wanted to be an actor, this coach was like, yeah,

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we're taking that bloom right off the road. So let's

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not hand this phone to you for reasons of your

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own entertainment. This is business again, So the reframe before

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caving to a first phone. Remember, you don't give a

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phone when they say they're ready. You give it when

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you see that they're ready. This is a privilege, and

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it's handed to them with a purpose, a purpose only.

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This sets the tone that screen abuse will not be

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tolerated and that having a phone is a privilege, not

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a right. We're handing over responsibility and only when that

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responsibility is being demonstrated.

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So we're in charge.

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And again we're not falling prey to what the friends

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00:11:28.159 --> 00:11:30.960
have and what social media says and what's going on

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anywhere else.

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We're only in charge of our home and.

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What we communicate to our kids with base and our values.

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Once you establish that a phone is only tied to

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their responsible behavior, you can then use that behavior as

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the carriage toward continued good behavior. So you have to

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establish that up front to know that this is a privilege,

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so that that privilege can then be taken away or

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changed or monitored based on behavior, so you remain in

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the driver's seat and use of the conditions in advance

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before their fingers ever swipe a single screen. Having a

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privilege follows proof of good behavior, not pressure from your

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child or from anyone else. And this is how leadership

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parenting works. So all of that said, we know the

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phone's carrier risk, but there's also good ways to use

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a phone, and I think it's important to talk about

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that and be able to present this in a positive

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light so we can cop the risk by monitoring their

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use and directing the phone's purpose. Along with the dangers,

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there's also an upside. We can use this phone to

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build skills, connection, and independence.

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Our job is to shine.

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A light on the good while blocking and monitoring the bad.

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We can turn the phone into a skill builder. So

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think fun party tricks that they can do while they're

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impressing friends. You know, they can actually learn something. The

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phone can teach them something. And here's some ideas to

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use a phone for good. They can watch a cooking

254
00:12:52.919 --> 00:12:55.399
show and make dinner, dessert or a holiday pie.

255
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You know.

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00:12:55.639 --> 00:12:57.320
I have a funny story about one of my kid's

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friends that they were at their friends in college and

258
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this kid, young, blonde, cute guy, decided he grew up

259
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baking for the family and he decided that he was

260
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going to enter this huge state fair pie competition. And

261
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he decided he was going to go in there and

262
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compete against all of these older ladies that have been

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going into this pie competition for years. And he said,

264
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I decided that, you know, when somebody invites Andy over,

265
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am I bringing my award winning pie. He decided he

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was going to identify himself as an award winning pie

267
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and he was going to go into the state fair

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and win this award.

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It was lemon merange.

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Pie, and he learned how to do all the whipping

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and it was I guess it's a complicated pie to me.

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Anyway, The point is he used his phone.

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He learned this baking skill and went out and won,

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you know, from all these old ladies that have been

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killing it all these years. Andy, you know, college kid

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went in and got you know, the award for the

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best lemon ring pie. So anyway, my point is kids

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can start watching cooking shows. They can get their own skills.

279
00:13:55.360 --> 00:13:57.480
So here's this kid in college now going around. I

280
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have an award winning pie that filled him with confidence

281
00:14:00.080 --> 00:14:03.120
and fun. So they can also learn a skill, you know,

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one skill a month. I remember my kids they learned

283
00:14:05.720 --> 00:14:08.200
how to make duct tape roses. So they used different

284
00:14:08.200 --> 00:14:10.399
colored duct tape and turned it into roses and then

285
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you put like a straw in there for the stem,

286
00:14:14.200 --> 00:14:16.679
and then they took it a step further and sold

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them at.

288
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The end of the driveway.

289
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As of duc take flowers that are like they had

290
00:14:21.919 --> 00:14:23.720
to sign up that said you will never die or

291
00:14:23.759 --> 00:14:26.000
something like that. You can take old t shirts and

292
00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:27.840
turn it into a big jump rope and have fun

293
00:14:27.879 --> 00:14:30.320
with it. Like, there's just different skills and things you

294
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can learn each month.

295
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With the phone. You can have your kid turn into.

296
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Like a little mini travel blogger and every time you

297
00:14:36.279 --> 00:14:38.200
go on a vacation, they take photos, and they maybe

298
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start a little website or something, or a language like

299
00:14:41.159 --> 00:14:43.360
we had dual Lingo and we were all competing with

300
00:14:43.399 --> 00:14:45.879
Spanish and then we took fun trip that we got

301
00:14:45.879 --> 00:14:48.279
to practice our language. So there's a lot of good

302
00:14:48.399 --> 00:14:50.440
things that the phone can be used for. We can

303
00:14:50.519 --> 00:14:54.399
outsmart the fear with clear guidance and real oversight ahead

304
00:14:54.440 --> 00:14:57.759
of time, and just keep those lines of communication open

305
00:14:57.840 --> 00:14:59.960
so we can teach our kids the skill of balance

306
00:15:00.159 --> 00:15:04.039
so that they can carry that with them forever. There

307
00:15:04.039 --> 00:15:07.480
are practical guidelines for giving a first phone, and there's

308
00:15:07.519 --> 00:15:11.480
some really great apps and tech involved with what to

309
00:15:11.600 --> 00:15:14.000
choose and how to monitor and keep the phone safe.

310
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And so this is Randy's area. I'm turning this over

311
00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:16.600
to you.

312
00:15:17.000 --> 00:15:19.600
All right, Yeah, I'm excited to talk about this. I

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00:15:19.720 --> 00:15:23.039
find with most people I talked to in myself included

314
00:15:23.159 --> 00:15:27.320
that the concern around getting a first phone for their

315
00:15:27.399 --> 00:15:32.480
child is largely around the access to a smartphone. People

316
00:15:32.519 --> 00:15:35.759
are feeling that they're opening up their child to the

317
00:15:35.919 --> 00:15:39.000
entire world because in a lot of cases there may

318
00:15:39.039 --> 00:15:41.759
be no limits to it. But the good news is

319
00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:44.919
if you are concerned with that, there are lots of

320
00:15:45.000 --> 00:15:47.799
really great options and I am going to talk about

321
00:15:47.879 --> 00:15:51.600
three of them that I've been looking into and that

322
00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:53.559
I think are really really good.

323
00:15:53.879 --> 00:15:57.440
So the first one is GAB.

324
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Gabb it's GAB wireless. It has watches and phones and

325
00:16:03.879 --> 00:16:06.360
you buy a plan with it, and so this is

326
00:16:06.559 --> 00:16:09.279
really great way to start with a basic phone or

327
00:16:09.320 --> 00:16:13.360
like a limited function device, not a full smartphone. So

328
00:16:13.559 --> 00:16:17.279
GAB has watches and cell phones. This allows you to

329
00:16:17.320 --> 00:16:21.519
have access to basically a cell phone and texting, but

330
00:16:21.639 --> 00:16:23.919
allows it to grow with your child.

331
00:16:24.759 --> 00:16:26.039
So like their first.

332
00:16:25.759 --> 00:16:29.639
Basic watch, you set pre text messages so they have

333
00:16:29.759 --> 00:16:32.960
pre selected responses and you can change them, and then

334
00:16:32.960 --> 00:16:36.320
the child just presses it and can respond. You can

335
00:16:36.480 --> 00:16:39.600
upgrade that watch to where they can text, and then

336
00:16:39.720 --> 00:16:42.600
the phones also upgrade where you're just giving them a

337
00:16:42.720 --> 00:16:46.480
little bit more at a time until you think that

338
00:16:46.519 --> 00:16:49.320
there might be ready for like a full phone. So

339
00:16:49.399 --> 00:16:52.320
GAB allows the phone to grow with the child. I

340
00:16:52.320 --> 00:16:54.480
feel like they have a device for every stage. They

341
00:16:54.519 --> 00:16:58.519
have tons of safety features, including like pre approved contacts.

342
00:16:59.080 --> 00:17:02.840
Parents have to be the administrator and have to set

343
00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:06.079
the contexts in the phone. The child just can't put

344
00:17:06.119 --> 00:17:09.119
any old person in the phone. They can't call or

345
00:17:09.160 --> 00:17:12.200
text anyone who isn't on that list. There is no

346
00:17:12.480 --> 00:17:15.200
like all access to the internet or social media apps.

347
00:17:15.240 --> 00:17:18.680
They do have spam blocking technology and limited apps. This

348
00:17:18.720 --> 00:17:21.559
is the one I'm most familiar with because my daughter

349
00:17:21.640 --> 00:17:24.680
does have the watch, and I think it's a great

350
00:17:24.759 --> 00:17:28.480
place to start, really great limited device, and the plans

351
00:17:28.519 --> 00:17:30.680
are pretty reasonably priced.

352
00:17:31.240 --> 00:17:32.680
The next one on the list is.

353
00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:36.559
Bark, and I'm sure a lot of people listening have

354
00:17:37.160 --> 00:17:38.799
seen the ads and things like that, and I've been

355
00:17:38.839 --> 00:17:41.440
watching Bark for a little bit because I'm really interested.

356
00:17:41.480 --> 00:17:45.279
I'm always seeing ads for them. They have smart watches

357
00:17:45.279 --> 00:17:49.400
and phones with like tamper proof features, and I am

358
00:17:49.440 --> 00:17:52.880
really interested in that because one of the education sessions

359
00:17:52.960 --> 00:17:56.240
I went to on just technology in general with the

360
00:17:56.240 --> 00:18:00.079
school I was in was like, the educators are like,

361
00:18:00.319 --> 00:18:03.799
you'd be surprised at the workarounds sometimes that these kids

362
00:18:04.200 --> 00:18:07.200
can figure out, probably better than I could. What I

363
00:18:07.240 --> 00:18:09.200
liked about Bark is they seem to have the tamper

364
00:18:09.279 --> 00:18:12.359
proof features, they have ways to manage screen time. But

365
00:18:12.480 --> 00:18:16.079
my favorite feature about Bark is that it will scan

366
00:18:16.240 --> 00:18:21.240
text messages, any web browsers, emails, any online activity that

367
00:18:21.279 --> 00:18:25.000
you allow your child to have and it really looks

368
00:18:25.000 --> 00:18:29.279
for signs of cyberbullying, inappropriate content, and other potential dangers,

369
00:18:29.319 --> 00:18:31.519
and it sends the alerts directly to the parents.

370
00:18:32.079 --> 00:18:33.319
That's what I love about Bark.

371
00:18:34.240 --> 00:18:37.519
And then there's Cosmo Technologies that seems to be pretty

372
00:18:38.359 --> 00:18:39.279
popular as well.

373
00:18:39.519 --> 00:18:40.759
I love their tagline.

374
00:18:40.799 --> 00:18:45.680
Their tagline is nineteen ninety five simple, twenty twenty five smart.

375
00:18:46.200 --> 00:18:48.880
I love that's that's memorable. Yeah.

376
00:18:49.319 --> 00:18:49.720
Yeah.

377
00:18:50.240 --> 00:18:53.519
They also approve contact lists, you know, some internet and

378
00:18:53.559 --> 00:18:56.400
social media restrictions. You can set it into focus mode

379
00:18:56.440 --> 00:18:57.559
to limit distractions.

380
00:18:57.640 --> 00:18:58.559
So varies.

381
00:18:58.640 --> 00:19:02.240
All three very similar, slightly different things, but I think

382
00:19:02.440 --> 00:19:05.079
just a great starting point for anyone who's like, h,

383
00:19:05.240 --> 00:19:07.839
I don't feel like I'm ready to just like jump

384
00:19:07.960 --> 00:19:10.480
into the smartphone situation.

385
00:19:11.200 --> 00:19:14.039
Have you seen those ads for the phone where the

386
00:19:14.079 --> 00:19:18.079
kids are now going back to just like dial on

387
00:19:18.119 --> 00:19:21.200
the inside, you know, yeah, those are Yeah, And then

388
00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:23.440
now these kids are walking around with this talk about

389
00:19:23.480 --> 00:19:25.839
nineteen ninety five like they're was with that.

390
00:19:25.759 --> 00:19:27.440
Same model phone with a cord.

391
00:19:27.839 --> 00:19:31.519
Oh my gosh, I've seen it on TikTok and I'm

392
00:19:31.519 --> 00:19:34.240
wondering what that isn't it's not a smartphone, It's just

393
00:19:34.279 --> 00:19:34.839
a phone.

394
00:19:35.359 --> 00:19:37.240
But yeah, you know, we've got that.

395
00:19:37.920 --> 00:19:40.680
Vintage feel and vibe, and I'm like, I want to

396
00:19:40.680 --> 00:19:42.440
buy one. If it weren't for my kids, I would

397
00:19:42.480 --> 00:19:44.319
not have a smartphone because, yeah, it's a way to

398
00:19:44.319 --> 00:19:46.519
stay connected. So you know, I made peace with it.

399
00:19:46.559 --> 00:19:48.319
I didn't know if you knew anything about that one.

400
00:19:48.720 --> 00:19:49.240
Yeah I did.

401
00:19:49.480 --> 00:19:52.960
And in fact, they're actually because we call our fancy

402
00:19:53.000 --> 00:19:56.359
internet devices smartphones, they're actually calling the old foot phones

403
00:19:56.640 --> 00:19:57.319
dumb phones.

404
00:19:57.400 --> 00:20:01.400
Oh yeah, you know what, that's what teenager is not

405
00:20:01.440 --> 00:20:03.839
going to be leaning all the way into being a

406
00:20:03.920 --> 00:20:05.720
dump having a dumb phone like that is.

407
00:20:06.519 --> 00:20:08.039
That's brilliant marketing right there.

408
00:20:08.720 --> 00:20:10.839
Yeah, and I heard that there was like an uptick

409
00:20:10.960 --> 00:20:14.720
of these foot phones being sold online, and in fact,

410
00:20:14.960 --> 00:20:17.440
that was the interesting thing is some celebrities are getting

411
00:20:17.440 --> 00:20:20.240
on that trend as well, Like I know Drew Barrymore

412
00:20:20.759 --> 00:20:23.039
does that with her kids. And you can have this

413
00:20:23.079 --> 00:20:24.519
old foot phone, that's all.

414
00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:25.079
Yeah.

415
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:30.119
I think that's very interesting because these limited devices, it

416
00:20:30.200 --> 00:20:32.759
allows you to have just a basic phone without any

417
00:20:32.880 --> 00:20:35.359
of the things that most parents are worried about.

418
00:20:35.400 --> 00:20:37.119
Most parents are like, you know, I don't mind them

419
00:20:37.119 --> 00:20:39.319
having access to the phone. I just worry about all

420
00:20:39.359 --> 00:20:40.920
the other things that my O of course.

421
00:20:40.880 --> 00:20:43.200
Oh of course, yeah, well, you know, thank you for

422
00:20:43.240 --> 00:20:44.839
all of that, because I'm not you know, my kids

423
00:20:44.839 --> 00:20:47.279
are a little older, so I appreciate having all that

424
00:20:47.680 --> 00:20:52.759
info and research here to share with everybody. We've talked

425
00:20:52.799 --> 00:20:55.559
about taking the lead on the first phones by setting

426
00:20:55.599 --> 00:20:59.200
your values and communicating them up front first, and then

427
00:20:59.279 --> 00:21:01.880
using those value us to determine when your child is

428
00:21:01.960 --> 00:21:05.480
ready by showing you the responsibility that they're ready for

429
00:21:05.480 --> 00:21:06.960
that responsibility.

430
00:21:06.319 --> 00:21:09.079
And tying this phone event.

431
00:21:09.200 --> 00:21:13.880
To a purpose, not just for entertainment, so entertainment is

432
00:21:13.920 --> 00:21:17.400
the side effect to the core reason of safety. And

433
00:21:17.440 --> 00:21:20.039
then we talked about presenting the phone in positive ways

434
00:21:20.079 --> 00:21:22.240
and it can be used to build fun skills and

435
00:21:22.319 --> 00:21:25.599
all the first phone software options that will help keep

436
00:21:25.599 --> 00:21:29.599
your kids safe. And now the last piece to handing

437
00:21:29.680 --> 00:21:33.480
over your child's first phone is to create a family agreement.

438
00:21:34.119 --> 00:21:34.839
This is a.

439
00:21:34.720 --> 00:21:38.839
Solid starting checklist that you can adapt into a family

440
00:21:38.839 --> 00:21:42.680
phone agreement, so short enough to sign, clear enough to

441
00:21:42.720 --> 00:21:46.319
hold up when things get wobbly. If you create this upfront,

442
00:21:46.480 --> 00:21:48.799
falling back onto this document and saying okay, well here's

443
00:21:48.799 --> 00:21:50.759
what we signed, Here's what we talked about. We already

444
00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:54.279
talked about this. You can't rewrite the rules after the

445
00:21:54.319 --> 00:21:57.200
fact or as you go. They won't be taken seriously

446
00:21:57.519 --> 00:21:59.160
with a kid because they're going to just keep trying

447
00:21:59.200 --> 00:22:01.319
to up the ante once they get a taste of

448
00:22:01.359 --> 00:22:03.720
a new dopamine of a new thing. You know that

449
00:22:03.720 --> 00:22:07.160
their friends are doing. So having a family phone agreement

450
00:22:07.240 --> 00:22:10.640
is especially powerful with your first child because the siblings

451
00:22:10.720 --> 00:22:14.000
watch and they learn what we train into our firstborns,

452
00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:16.359
and that trickles down to the siblings. So makes it

453
00:22:16.359 --> 00:22:18.359
a little bit easier that when you're handing the first

454
00:22:18.400 --> 00:22:21.359
phone to the first child. As your oldest grows, they

455
00:22:21.359 --> 00:22:24.160
become the pseudo third parent and they help us enforce

456
00:22:24.200 --> 00:22:26.680
the rules. So at least that's how worked with us.

457
00:22:26.720 --> 00:22:29.000
So all that effort you put into the first hopefully

458
00:22:29.079 --> 00:22:32.319
you know it benefits with the with the others. So

459
00:22:32.400 --> 00:22:35.319
your family phone agreement should have these components.

460
00:22:36.039 --> 00:22:37.480
It should have number.

461
00:22:37.240 --> 00:22:40.640
One, the purpose of the privilege why you have this

462
00:22:40.759 --> 00:22:44.559
phone is for safety, for connection to us with the family,

463
00:22:45.319 --> 00:22:49.240
and agreed upon responsibilities, not unlimited entertainment.

464
00:22:49.319 --> 00:22:50.960
So you know you create this agreement.

465
00:22:51.000 --> 00:22:54.160
These are just ideas for you as a guideline to start.

466
00:22:54.440 --> 00:22:57.119
So number one would be your purpose and privilege, and

467
00:22:57.160 --> 00:23:00.000
those are what you decide yourself based on the child's ready,

468
00:23:00.319 --> 00:23:03.160
based on the responsibility that you see, and based on

469
00:23:03.200 --> 00:23:05.400
the purpose that you've decided they need the phone for.

470
00:23:05.839 --> 00:23:09.000
And number two is boundaries and usage.

471
00:23:09.079 --> 00:23:13.640
So you should have screen time limits, so example, no

472
00:23:13.759 --> 00:23:16.519
phone during homework or until it's complete, no phone at

473
00:23:16.599 --> 00:23:17.079
the table.

474
00:23:17.319 --> 00:23:19.000
There's going to be a daily time cap.

475
00:23:19.079 --> 00:23:21.519
Whatever rules and boundaries you feel that you need to

476
00:23:21.519 --> 00:23:25.240
put into place. And then there's also screen free zones

477
00:23:25.279 --> 00:23:29.119
in the house that's meals, bathtime, bedroom, you know, overnight,

478
00:23:29.200 --> 00:23:33.200
whatever your rules are. All I'm saying is that taking

479
00:23:33.240 --> 00:23:37.920
a leadership rule means communicating them, having the values, knowing

480
00:23:37.920 --> 00:23:40.119
what they are, and then communicating them. And now we're

481
00:23:40.119 --> 00:23:42.480
putting that into this agreement. We're just keeping it simple,

482
00:23:42.519 --> 00:23:45.079
you know that whole kiss when you're in sales, Keeping

483
00:23:45.079 --> 00:23:47.359
it simple for the kids and just making it really

484
00:23:47.400 --> 00:23:48.519
easy for them to follow.

485
00:23:48.599 --> 00:23:50.000
We don't want to make this complicated.

486
00:23:50.279 --> 00:23:54.440
Number three is communication standards, So answer calls and texts

487
00:23:54.440 --> 00:23:57.279
from parents promptly. I remember when my kids first got

488
00:23:57.319 --> 00:23:59.640
their phone, a lot of their friends were thinking it

489
00:23:59.680 --> 00:24:01.559
was cut to just not reply to their parents, I

490
00:24:01.640 --> 00:24:03.559
leave them unread or you know, whatever the hell dame

491
00:24:03.640 --> 00:24:06.200
they were playing at that time. My kids knew no, no, no.

492
00:24:06.279 --> 00:24:08.079
When I text you, it's an immediate I'm not going

493
00:24:08.160 --> 00:24:10.400
to bother you. I'm not going to be texting you

494
00:24:10.440 --> 00:24:13.160
with drivel. But when I reach out, it's important and

495
00:24:13.200 --> 00:24:15.240
you are to respond to me quickly. You also to

496
00:24:15.319 --> 00:24:18.200
use respectful language, you know, in all messages, even though

497
00:24:18.200 --> 00:24:20.960
that doesn't apply to me. So just yeah, not using

498
00:24:21.000 --> 00:24:22.920
something that you can't send to the grandparents or your

499
00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:25.039
teacher or your future employer to read. They need to

500
00:24:25.119 --> 00:24:28.559
understand that everything that you put out there is always trackable.

501
00:24:28.759 --> 00:24:31.920
And then number four is online safety. So no new

502
00:24:32.000 --> 00:24:36.400
apps or games or social media without my approval, my supervision.

503
00:24:36.680 --> 00:24:38.759
I need to know what all the logins are. Never

504
00:24:38.839 --> 00:24:41.039
share your personal information. So these are the things that

505
00:24:41.079 --> 00:24:44.000
will go under number four of online safety.

506
00:24:44.519 --> 00:24:47.200
Number five responsibility and care.

507
00:24:47.319 --> 00:24:51.839
So keep the phone charged, protected in a case with you,

508
00:24:51.839 --> 00:24:54.640
you know, safely stored. If it's lost, your damaged, you

509
00:24:54.720 --> 00:24:58.359
need to check in with us. You know, kids do things.

510
00:24:58.519 --> 00:25:01.079
They end up in the water, end up broken, or

511
00:25:01.119 --> 00:25:04.400
they end up stolen or hidden or whatever. But I

512
00:25:04.400 --> 00:25:06.319
think it needs to be built into the agreement that

513
00:25:06.319 --> 00:25:08.960
they are responsible for this and the money that is

514
00:25:09.079 --> 00:25:11.200
being put out. They need to be aware of what

515
00:25:11.240 --> 00:25:16.200
this costs. And then number six is consequences. So again

516
00:25:16.319 --> 00:25:22.039
everything is discussed upfront, clear pre agreed steps. So for example,

517
00:25:22.240 --> 00:25:25.960
your first violation will be a warning, Your second could

518
00:25:25.960 --> 00:25:28.079
be you know, your phone is checked and put away

519
00:25:28.079 --> 00:25:31.599
for twenty four hours. If there's any severe breaches like

520
00:25:31.920 --> 00:25:35.319
hiding apps or sharing unsafe info, that could be a

521
00:25:35.319 --> 00:25:38.839
longer loss of privilege. Again up to you to decide,

522
00:25:38.880 --> 00:25:40.799
but you just need to have that.

523
00:25:40.759 --> 00:25:42.880
Consequence baked into the agreement.

524
00:25:43.519 --> 00:25:47.119
Then both of you sign it, you date it, and

525
00:25:47.480 --> 00:25:49.640
you know every three to six months you can review

526
00:25:49.720 --> 00:25:52.160
it and as they earn more responsibility. That's where I

527
00:25:52.279 --> 00:25:55.839
like to talk about that carrot of I've seen that

528
00:25:55.880 --> 00:25:57.759
you're responsible. I present the phone to you like I've

529
00:25:57.799 --> 00:26:00.640
seen how responsible you are. I see how you're balancing

530
00:26:00.680 --> 00:26:02.319
your time, you're getting your homework.

531
00:26:01.920 --> 00:26:02.680
Done with that.

532
00:26:02.880 --> 00:26:05.440
I see that you know you've earned the possibility here

533
00:26:05.440 --> 00:26:06.240
of a phone.

534
00:26:06.000 --> 00:26:07.039
For safety purposes.

535
00:26:07.079 --> 00:26:09.599
It's given with a reason and a purpose, it's tied

536
00:26:09.640 --> 00:26:12.519
to something, and every three to six months you can

537
00:26:12.559 --> 00:26:14.279
revisit it and say, hey, you know, we're going to

538
00:26:14.279 --> 00:26:15.680
give you an extra hour or whatever.

539
00:26:15.799 --> 00:26:18.400
The kids feel like, there's.

540
00:26:18.200 --> 00:26:21.519
That consequence baked in that there's something that they have

541
00:26:21.640 --> 00:26:25.119
to strive to. It's not just a free, never ending

542
00:26:25.200 --> 00:26:29.200
abyss of access to whatever they want. That's for the

543
00:26:29.240 --> 00:26:33.400
agreement that wraps up our thoughts and processes for giving

544
00:26:33.440 --> 00:26:35.480
a first phone. And just to remember, you know, there's

545
00:26:35.599 --> 00:26:39.079
no perfect age for a first phone, only what's right

546
00:26:39.119 --> 00:26:40.880
for you and your child.

547
00:26:40.640 --> 00:26:41.440
And your family.

548
00:26:41.880 --> 00:26:47.079
So just kind of recapping, revisiting that gut check questionnaire,

549
00:26:47.759 --> 00:26:51.119
Just check in with yourself before giving the phone. Revisit

550
00:26:51.160 --> 00:26:53.400
are they following through on their rules and chores?

551
00:26:53.440 --> 00:26:53.599
You know?

552
00:26:53.640 --> 00:26:56.240
Are they handling disappointment? Okay, how are they handling it?

553
00:26:56.240 --> 00:26:58.240
Because this is going to give you some insight into

554
00:26:58.720 --> 00:27:01.240
the mental aspect of what the phone could bring to

555
00:27:01.279 --> 00:27:03.960
them and the cyber bullying.

556
00:27:03.519 --> 00:27:06.200
And all of that. Where there's so many topics surrounding

557
00:27:06.240 --> 00:27:06.759
first phones.

558
00:27:06.759 --> 00:27:09.160
That's why I really wanted to restrict this to just

559
00:27:09.240 --> 00:27:11.440
handing the first phone, tying it to the purpose, creating

560
00:27:11.440 --> 00:27:15.319
an agreement, creating pre agreed rules upfront.

561
00:27:14.960 --> 00:27:15.640
That are signed.

562
00:27:15.680 --> 00:27:18.319
Because there are so many other aspects to phone and

563
00:27:18.400 --> 00:27:21.240
screen that we'll be talking about in future podcasts that

564
00:27:21.480 --> 00:27:23.079
we're not going to get into here because I'm trying

565
00:27:23.079 --> 00:27:25.279
to keep it really simple for just the first phone,

566
00:27:25.359 --> 00:27:28.799
but understanding cyber bullying and just basic internet safety, all

567
00:27:28.799 --> 00:27:33.160
of that has to be trained and discussed and communicated

568
00:27:33.200 --> 00:27:34.920
with your child, So there's got to be that open

569
00:27:34.960 --> 00:27:38.480
communication going on with them, otherwise this might fall flat.

570
00:27:39.000 --> 00:27:41.799
So having a phone is a privilege, and it's handed

571
00:27:41.799 --> 00:27:46.359
to your child with a specific purpose that's clearly communicated

572
00:27:46.400 --> 00:27:48.960
to them and agreed to in advance. And that is

573
00:27:49.000 --> 00:27:51.240
my takeaway for this podcast on how to give a

574
00:27:51.279 --> 00:27:53.720
first phone. Thank you so much for listening, and if

575
00:27:53.759 --> 00:27:56.119
you want more, come hang with us in our Facebook

576
00:27:56.119 --> 00:27:59.319
group Yell Free Parenting for Exhausted Moms. And if you're

577
00:27:59.319 --> 00:28:01.640
feeling stuff, you can always reach out to me on

578
00:28:01.720 --> 00:28:04.880
the Ask Momparenting dot com website and I can tailor

579
00:28:04.960 --> 00:28:07.400
or customized plan for you and your family. And don't

580
00:28:07.400 --> 00:28:10.160
forget to subscribe. If you like this, please subscribe to

581
00:28:10.200 --> 00:28:12.960
me on the Ask Mom podcast on my YouTube page.

582
00:28:13.200 --> 00:28:15.039
Thank you so much, and happy parenting.

583
00:28:18.039 --> 00:28:20.400
She is sure, she is sure, she is strong.

584
00:28:20.480 --> 00:28:21.200
She is strong.

585
00:28:21.240 --> 00:28:25.759
She is true, she is true, she is Braise, bra

586
00:28:26.000 --> 00:28:29.279
she is boul. She is you, she is you, she

587
00:28:29.480 --> 00:28:33.119
is you, she is sure, she is sure, she is strong,

588
00:28:33.200 --> 00:28:37.240
she is strong, she is true, she is true. She

589
00:28:37.359 --> 00:28:40.839
is braise, she is bold, she is she is you,

590
00:28:41.119 --> 00:28:45.200
she is you, she is you. Sure of herself. Yeah,

591
00:28:45.240 --> 00:28:48.519
she takes care of his powerful and strong. Yes, she

592
00:28:48.599 --> 00:28:52.519
knows who she is has integrity, woman, strong and true.

593
00:28:53.079 --> 00:28:55.640
You know her by name. See this woman is you.

594
00:28:55.960 --> 00:28:58.440
She is sure, she is sure, she is strong, she

595
00:28:58.599 --> 00:29:03.759
is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave,

596
00:29:03.880 --> 00:29:07.240
she is she is she is you, she is she

597
00:29:07.400 --> 00:29:12.000
is she is sure, she is strong, is strong, she

598
00:29:12.119 --> 00:29:18.119
is true, is true, she is brave, she is she

599
00:29:17.680 --> 00:29:21.759
is she is you, she is you. She is adds

600
00:29:21.880 --> 00:29:25.039
value and hope. Has proved to be brave. See it's

601
00:29:25.119 --> 00:29:29.240
never too late, never time to behave reaching for dreams

602
00:29:29.400 --> 00:29:33.880
doesn't matter. The age believes in herself from her cage.

603
00:29:34.039 --> 00:29:37.200
She is sure, she is she is strong, is strong,

604
00:29:37.279 --> 00:29:43.799
she is true, True, she is brave, she is she

605
00:29:44.079 --> 00:29:49.519
is you. She she is sure, she is strong, she

606
00:29:49.599 --> 00:29:54.160
is strong, she is true, is true, she is brave,

607
00:29:55.000 --> 00:29:57.200
she is she is you.
Sue Donnellan Profile Photo

As a mother who has balanced raising four kids (including triplets) with a full-time business and a husband who deployed to combat five times, I fully understand the demands on parents to successfully manage a busy family life. The steep learning curve of going from one to four children almost instantly kickstarted my methods for nurturing four unique individuals. My no-nonsense, judgement-free parenting style created an environment of freedom, flexibility and self-initiated learning for our kids. After twenty years in the trenches, parenting four happy, prosperous people, there is much to share that will make the entire process stress-free, effective and fun.

Randee Moore Profile Photo

Randee Moore is a mom of two, a copywriter and marketing strategist who’s obsessed with learning and personal growth. With a background in psychology, she’s passionate about exploring research based ways to parent with purpose and intention. She runs on caffeine, recharges in nature, and never leaves home without a good book.