Sept. 24, 2025
Ask Mom with Sue Donnellan Kids & Smartphones
Sue Donnellan Shares Kids and Smartphones: Rules Every Parent Should Set Before Handing Over a Phone.
Kids & Smartphones: Rules Every Parent Should Set Before Handing Over a Phone
Handing your kid a phone isn’t a tech decision, it’s a leadership one. In this episode,
Sue lays out the mindset and the must-haves that separate a calm, values-driven phone
handoff from a chaos spiral. We’ll show you how to define the why, set expectations that
actually stick, and avoid the most common trap parents don’t see coming, until it’s too
late.
What We Talk About
The question to answer before you even look at devices
How to decide readiness without using age as the yardstick
The “first-phone” agreement that does the heavy lifting (and why most fail)
Training-wheel options that buy you freedom without turning you into the phone
police
The silent risks hiding in notifications, group chats, and late-night DMs, and the
simple way to defuse them
You’ll Walk Away With
A tight structure for your Family Phone Agreement (purpose → boundaries →
safety → accountability)
A quick gut-check to decide if now is the right time…or not yet
A short list of safer first-device pathways to consider
Highlights
Why this milestone is different from every other purchase
Readiness: the three behaviors that matter more than age
The agreement clause that prevents 90% of arguments
Devices that ease you in (without opening the floodgates)
The 3–6 month review that keeps you in the driver’s seat
Resources Mentioned
Family Phone Agreement
Quiz: Ask Mom “First-Phone Gut Check”
Tools: Starter-device paths and monitoring options discussed in-episode
One-Liner to Remember
Don’t buy a phone - build a plan. The device is hardware; the rules are the
operating system.
Connect
Sue Donnellan: AskMomParenting.com | Instagram | YouTube
Work with Sue: Free consult | Programs & courses
Press play to get the blueprint, so the first phone builds trust, not drama.
🔗 Links & Resources:
· Free Facebook Group: Yell-Free Parenting for Exhausted Moms
· Sue’s Book: Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a F^ck
· Want 1-on-1 coaching? Book here
· Get Sue’s Weekly Newsletter: Subscribe now
Thanks for listening! Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with a mom who needs to hear it.
Please support UnsilencedVoices.org a global 501(c)3 nonprofit that empowers survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking.
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She is pray, she is pray, she is she is you.
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You're tuned in to Word of Mom Radio here on
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the Word of Mom Media Network.
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Hi, and welcome back to the Esque Mom podcast. Because
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parenting is everything. I'm Sue and with me is Randy
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and this is your no bullshit, no filter, zero gilt
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parenting reboot. Whether you're deep in the toddler tantrums, navigating
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tween and teen drama, or somewhere in between, you'll get
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clarity and actionable tools one episode at a time. There
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are a few milestones that rattle parents quite like handing
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our child their first phone.
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On the one.
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Side, we have the lure of safety and easy check ins,
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and on the other side, we know we're introducing.
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Them to the temptation that comes with it, the.
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Abyss of endless scrolling, dopamine loops, late night group chats
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that you'll never be privy to, and not to mention
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the potential strangers that you're ushering right into your home
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with online predators lurking. Today, we're ending that tug of war,
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and instead of handing over a device and just hoping
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for the best, we're going to show you how to
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effectively parent this seeming right of passage, and that's by
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doing this entire process up front. We're going to talk
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about how to lead this operation by establishing the why
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and spelling out expectations before the phone ever hits their pocket.
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Getting our kids a phone isn't just about buying them
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a fancy gadget. It's about raising a child who knows
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how to use powerful technology without letting the technology use them.
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When we got our oldest his first phone, he was
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in seventh grade, I think at the time, and he
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attended a Magnet school but played football in his school,
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and so he didn't know many kids at the school,
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and he was unfamiliar without location and where we dropped
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him off. So we made the upfront decision to provide
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a basic phone for him to feel more connected to
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us for rides and changes to the schedule. And that's
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how we sold him getting his first phone. We made
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a very deliberate decision tied to a reason and a purpose,
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not just because his friends had one, and not just
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because he needs to learn how to use tech, and
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not for any other reason other than what we presented
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to him. That reason did not have anything to do
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with social media apps or internet access. It was simply
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for communication to his mom and dad for pickups and
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schedule changes tied to football. That's how we presented it
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for the first time. Now you can imagine seventh grade
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football player. You'd probably know where this is going. You
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can probably predict. It didn't take long for the negotiations
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to start for his rides and schedule changes. Only phone
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to start being used for Internet scrolls and socials and
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girl meetups and yeah denied. So if your house has
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the same negotiation department, stay with us, because today we're
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talking about how to avoid opening the floodgates to screen
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time battles and mental health risks. Since I like to
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talk about leadership and big picture parenting, let's start with
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the two most important ways and reasons to give a
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first phone. Number One, it must be tied to a
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specific purpose. So for us, it was sports pickups and
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schedule changes. That's what we decided up front before we
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presented the phone.
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You should just pick.
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Yours, but just make sure that you find a purpose
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that makes it a business transaction, so it's tied to
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a purpose only. And number two, the rules and expectations
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are explained and established up front before the phone is
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given and all the temptation comes, there are agreements put
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in place first, so it's.
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All, like I said, business transaction.
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So when your kids are begging that everyone else has one,
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or you might have fear that your child is being
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like the odd kid out because he doesn't have phone,
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let's dress the pressure that we all feel from every
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angle around first phones. Let's start with some research snapshots
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from Randy. This is her specialty and this is a
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category she loves to talk about and she's so knowledgeable.
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So Randy, yes, I can't wait to dive into the
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research first. Before I do that, just a little perspective on,
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you know, the research and where I'm coming from with it.
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I'm very fortunate to have a school district that is
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very open about talking about this. The district that my kids.
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Go to is very large.
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There's about ten thousand kids in the district, multiple elementary
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schools and middle schools, so this is obviously an issue
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that they have to take on as well, being that
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they're dealing with so many kids. So very fortunate that
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over the last year, especially, you know, the school district
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at large, has really given us a chance as a
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community to come together to have discussions, and they've provided
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us with some education around tech and phones. So I've
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had the pleasure to sit in rooms and talk about
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this with parents, my concerns, their concerns, and just kind
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of get everyone's perspective. And the school presented us with research.
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And the funny thing is when I was diving into
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my own research about it, the funny thing about it
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is it all no matter where it comes from, it's
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all kind of relatively the same. So I'm very interested
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in that, like everybody is getting the same results, which
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I'm always interested in. Also, I'm like, I'm living with
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this now. My daughter just turned eleven, so of course
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now she's talking about it.
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Really interesting.
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The two studies that really stuck out to me was
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Stanford did a five year study where all they really
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did was tracked and followed various kids and families over
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five years, and it was around.
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Digital well being.
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But they were specifically interested as well into when children.
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Got their first phone. So over a five.
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Year period with Stanford, they found twenty five percent of
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kids received phones by age ten, seventy five percent received.
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Them by twelve and a half.
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Nearly all of the children had it by age fifteen,
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and among all the kids who did have the phones,
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ninety nine percent of them had a smartphone by the
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end of five years. Common Sense Media along with Michigan
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State University, found that about half of the children they
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studied in the United States received their first smartphone by
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age eleven, so very similar to the Stanford study, forty
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three percent of tweens ages eight to twelve already had
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a smartphone, and by ages thirteen give up to eighteen,
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eighty eight to ninety five percent of kids owned their
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own smartphone, so all in all, both were relatively the same.
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So overall, the big concerns around phones in general that
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most of us have as parents are tied to addiction
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and dopamine loops, So like the endless notifications and the
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mental poll that those provide, cyberbullying and online predators, that's
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a giant concern with phones. Mental health and brain development
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MRI studies have shown that heavy early screen time affects
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executive function skills in young kids and their special concerns
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for ADHD care. It's like the impulsivity and the constant
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stimulation that it causes. All of these subjects are worthy
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of consideration and deep dives in separate podcasts, but today
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we're going to touch on them slightly, but mainly focusing
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today on how to give a first phone. So giving
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a first phone isn't just about age, you know, even
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though the studies are showing that there's a relative amount
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of time that the kids are getting them around, you know,
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eleven to twelve on.
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That seemed to kind of fit with what.
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We did with our first as well, but it's really
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more about the child. We can't talk about giving phones
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to kids without first talking about our role as a
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parent and the influence that we have as leaders in
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the home. So we set the tone and the rules,
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and we have to first embody that empowered parent role.
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So we've got to.
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Be giving these phones from position of strength and steady
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leadership before we're handing those over, and things need to
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be kind of put in place before that phone is given.
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Being a parent means that you don't just have values
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you say those values out loud. You have to first
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feel the values, know what you stand for, and then
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be sure that you're communicating them clearly in your home
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and to your kids. Because we don't care what the
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crowd is doing or what your friends are doing or
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what the neighbors are doing in our home. We're basing
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it on what our values are and what purpose we
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are giving it to you for, because like I get,
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like I said, it's a business transaction.
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That's how it needs to feel for the child. At
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about the.
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Age for first phones, that typically is the time that
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kids are kind of in the throes of testing us.
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So you know that pre adolescent that adolescent age is
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when when the kids are really starting to test and
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become aware of what's going on in life outside the home.
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So it's very important to know as a parent what
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you stand for and why that matters to you, and
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to make sure that your kids know it too. Don't
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keep those rules and morals and values to yourself, and
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don't convenience mention it like after the behavior happens. So
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what's what we tend to do. We tend to have
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our rules and our ideas, what we don't think to
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communicate them ahead of time, or to share them with
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our kids or have a family meeting about it. Don't
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wait until after the behavior happens and then react.
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The way to do this with the first.
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Phone and with a variety of ways with parenting as
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a leader is to have your kids know upfront what
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the rules are, what the values are, and why. So
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I've created and ask mom gut check and here's some
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questions that will help you measure readiness for your child
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that align with common parent values. Before getting and giving
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a phone to your child, write some of these questions
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down and ask these questions about your child. Does your
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child follow through on rules and chores? Are they pretty
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much steady consistent rule followers? How do they handle when
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you ask them to do something for you around the house?
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And can they handle disappointment and frustration?
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And how do they handle that?
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Do they come to you when things go wrong if
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they seem to be confused about something? Have you or
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already created that relationship of connection? And are they coming
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to you to help problem solve? Have you already established
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that rule set in your house? Are they balancing school
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and activities and downtime without you managing every detail or
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are you having to get involved in everything? How are
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they managing their free time? And does it seem to
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have an.
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EBB and a flow and a balance?
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And do they understand about cyberbullying and basic internet safety?
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Because these are all things that are tied to the phone.
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So there's a common saying that's like taking the bloom
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off the rose.
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You know.
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I remember when my son wanted to start acting at thirteen,
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and his acting coach just made him read all this
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really boring Shakespeare, you know, and it's like, if you
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thought you wanted to be an actor because you want
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to be famous or an influencer, or whatever reason you
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thought you wanted to be an actor, this coach was like, yeah,
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we're taking that bloom right off the road. So let's
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not hand this phone to you for reasons of your
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own entertainment. This is business again, So the reframe before
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caving to a first phone. Remember, you don't give a
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phone when they say they're ready. You give it when
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you see that they're ready. This is a privilege, and
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it's handed to them with a purpose, a purpose only.
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This sets the tone that screen abuse will not be
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tolerated and that having a phone is a privilege, not
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a right. We're handing over responsibility and only when that
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responsibility is being demonstrated.
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So we're in charge.
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And again we're not falling prey to what the friends
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have and what social media says and what's going on
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anywhere else.
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We're only in charge of our home and.
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What we communicate to our kids with base and our values.
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Once you establish that a phone is only tied to
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their responsible behavior, you can then use that behavior as
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the carriage toward continued good behavior. So you have to
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establish that up front to know that this is a privilege,
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so that that privilege can then be taken away or
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changed or monitored based on behavior, so you remain in
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the driver's seat and use of the conditions in advance
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before their fingers ever swipe a single screen. Having a
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privilege follows proof of good behavior, not pressure from your
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child or from anyone else. And this is how leadership
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parenting works. So all of that said, we know the
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phone's carrier risk, but there's also good ways to use
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a phone, and I think it's important to talk about
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that and be able to present this in a positive
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